Tuesday, November 30, 2010

And Next...

So I'm feeling particularly chatty today. Once I get home from the hell that is my job, I have a few posts coming up. My LD one I've been promising (LARRY!!), one for the haters including some new pictures of myself for you guys to shred, some answered e-mail questions and whatever else I can come up with on the train ride home.

Check back in for the updates. Love you psychos.

Set Your DVRS

Tonight is better than Christmas. It's the VICTORIA SECRET FASHION SHOW. While my idol will not be present as she's having a child or something (who does that? seriously) there will be loads of other hot ladies and fabulous panties and costume ideas for Halloween 2011. I will unfortunately be watching the God damn tree lighting at work (men who opt to watch a set of string lights get plugged in over these fuckers in 2 inches of fabric seriously need to tell their wives to fuck off for putting their balls in a mason jar filled with minivans and diapers), but I plan on recording and watching when I get home. There are times I seriously consider getting that operation Ethan Hawkes character gets in the movie GATTACA to stretch my body 2 inches taller so I could try out for their angel contest. What? LIKE YOU WOULDN'T DO IT TOO. Bitch.

Happy VS day!!!

A Personal Request

Hey ladies and lady fuckers, I have a question and if you guys can give me some feedback, it'd be super appreciated. And if not, well fuck you too.

If you guys can, in the comments section or by sending me an e-mail, just clue me in as to how you found my blog, that'd be fantastical. If it's the Brobible article, no need to respond, but if someone sent it to you on Facebook or you found it in a forum or something, if you could let me know it'd be greatly appreciated.

Thanks yo.

An Athletic Walk of Shame

Had a great question tonight - what's been my worst walk of shame in terms of my hookups with athletes.

Worst as in most embarrassing? A laxer once had to drive me home from his house to my dorm freshman year after I stayed in his bed until 230 in the afternoon while his entire team watched Sunday football in their living room. Then I crawled downstairs, he drove me home, and while he was asking me for certain articles of clothing back, I opened the door while the car was in motion and puked up goldfish (real ones - the night before I had been to a frat party called "Band in the Sand" where you got free cans of beer for eating live goldfish out of a baby pool. I bet my mom's real proud of me).

Worst as in terms of hardest to get through? Freshman year lax again, walking barefoot into a Wawa at 930 on a Sunday morning and asking for an address because apparently Checkered Cab of College Park can't locate the only fucking Wawa on Route 1 without a God damn GPS system.

Worst in terms of longest? A two and a half hour train ride from Paris to London after having sat in Paris Nord for 3 hours at 7 in the morning with no cell phone and no iPod and having gotten only 2 hours of sleep. So, so, SO worth it though.

Worst in terms of most "what the fuck"? Hockey dude was living in a hotel after he signed his NHL contract midway through the season. I went and saw him at 3 in the morning. We fooled around and then he passed out and I snuck out at like 630 in the morning. Ringling Brother's was in town performing where his team played, and all the performers were in the hotel lobby in full gear. Clown costumes, gymnasts suits, total full shit. I had a mild to moderate panic attack when I saw the clowns. Circus FAIL.

Hot Dudes Playing Sports You've Never Heard Of Part II

I went to a cricket match in England a year and a half ago. By halfway through, I was entirely convinced I got the concept. I could totally explain the game to someone, I got this, it's almost like baseb--WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED? WHAT DID THAT GUY JUST DO? WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING? IS THAT LEGAL IN THIS SPORT? IS HE EVEN SUPPOSED TO BE ON THE FIELD? And all my supposed learned knowledge of the sport of cricket was shot to shit. And since, I've conceded to the idea that it's not a sport I was meant to learn about.

However, I'm starting to change my mind. Why?

Nathan Reardon.

Dude is from Australia, which automatically makes him hotter than the average American fuck. Accents I can deal with? Ozzie ones. Second, he's an athlete, even if he's involved in a sport that, to me is the bastard love child of baseball and tennis with hockey's padding. Third, he looks like this:

Hi, are you donning your whites and buying your bat things now? Because I sure as fuck am. Pip pip mother fuckers, Quantas has a new frequent flyer. Dude is so fucking hot he looks photoshopped.

Can't find anything about a wife, and seeing as he's only 26, there's a strong possibility dude is using that body to get as much Ozzie (and international) vagina as he can. And fuck me, I don't blame him. If dudes like this stayed celibate, my life would have no meaning. Seriously. He is basically something all jersey chasers should strive for. I don't care how meaningless his sport is in my country. I'd probably bang him if he collected tin cans and lived off of CoinStar machines, honestly.

Can any of my readers in Australia clue me in on this shit? Ozzie Rules I kinda get and can figure out, cricket I'm still all like, hey, is that a homerun? No? Wrong game? Okay cool.

Duke Fuck List Gets Victimized

Law & Order: SVU was a staple in my apartment junior and senior year of college. My roommate Tracy was borderline obsessed with it. She had a sweatshirt. All hail Elliot Stabler.

SVU has a habit of playing "real life" cases out in the show. They did one that was very similar to the Duke Rape case, and they did one about the dude who raped his daughter in Austria. Now, Karen Owen gets the Elliot and Olivia treatment.

Apparently, in the newest episode, a woman creates a PowerPoint presentation called the "Lay List" about dudes she's fucked in her office. When it hits the big time and goes viral, as Karen Owen's did, she ends up dead, and Elliot busts out his thinning hair and hottie stare to solve the case. IT WAS THE TENNIS PLAYER, I KNOW IT. Duke Tennis is some serious fucking business.

Dude, you know you've hit it big when you storm onto SVU. People call Karen Own a slut and a whore, but you know what? ELLIOT STABLER ISN'T TALKING ABOUT THEM. Tucker Max, you wish your books were the subject of Olivia's eyebrow raises.

A Homemade Playboy Magazine

Had an e-mail from Heather asking how I "create" my sext text picture spreads. Kind of love it.

If your life depended on locating me in the world, the last place you'd find me is in a gym. I'll start you off with that. You'd be more likely to find me in a hospital or on Who Wants to be a Millionaire, seriously. Fucking HATE the gym. But I love pilates. Why? Because when it comes to sext texting, I'm dealing mostly with dudes who's bodies are their livelihoods. I have to do everything to match tit for tat. And while dudes' pictures are always way lamer than girls', there's still something to be said about the bodies.

To be honest, I've never had a problem with my body. I gained 5 lbs when I switched birth control pills, but some of it was in my boobs (I'd be like a negative 32-A if I weren't on the pill, it's tragic), so other than that, like I said, weighing it at a solid 108lbs isn't exactly anything to be ashamed of.

However, the small boob thing eats at me sometimes, so pictures can be tricky. Biggest trick? Lighting. Both my mirrors are next to windows (all my pictures are taken via reflection). Natural lighting works wonders on a.) highlighting my stomach and b.) shadowing my boobs to make them look bigger. I'm a creature of habit and the poses are generally all the same. Headless and stomach/boobs. On my knees, in front of a mirror, holding my breath and making the most solid muscle I can. I try to change it up sometimes, pushing up against the wall in my bathroom, and laying on my bed for a solid above the body boob shot. Great trick to make your boobs look bigger while you're on your back? Lay your arm against your ribs right under your chest. POOF. Boobs.

I know, this might be my most pathetic post. But c'mon ladies, there's a bit of an ego boost in nailing a hot pic. There are times I hit pics that I wish I could show to my MOM I'm so proud of how they come out. And I've never once had a complaint. You don't have to "look like a Victoria Secret model" (and clearly I don't) to nail a shot that makes a dude wish he was present in the bathroom mirror. It's all about knowing how your body falls in certain position, what makes it lean, what highlights the good parts and what hides the bad parts. Practice makes perfect. Just remember, that's what the delete button is for.

Panty choice is always a key too. I always (uh, like 99% of the time) keep panties on. Leaves something to the imagination. And again, I've never gotten complaints. I always say that real thing is reserved for in person encounters only. Hey, gotta keep something to look forward to. But yeah, I have some solid panty selections so dudes know what they're getting when I travel half way across the world to see 'em.

Also, the whole sexting thing is a very personal thing. I can't guarantee your dude is the only dude seeing the pics. My situation is a little bit easier. There's a risk on his side, one that's greater than mine most of the time. If my pics get "released", people would be like, who the fuck is this? My dude's pics get released, ehhh there might be some issues. So I have a bit of privacy security. Not everyone has that, and that's the risk you take. I'm not running for Miss USA anytime soon, so considering I've already put my sex life in the spotlight, I'm cool with this shit being known. Make sure you trust the dude you're sending to - or that you have some serious collateral in case that shit gets out. Like, Grady Sizemore collateral.

Happy snapping bitches.

And In "I'm Proud I Went to That College" News...

The University of Maryland - AKA the place I left my soul - is proudly announcing that students have formed a competitive eating team.

God knows they might have more of a chance at winning some kind of championship than our basketball team, who has lost to the COLLEGE OF CHARLESTON in recent weeks. Though, credit where due, UNC had to "rally" to beat them the other night. But seriously?

Maryland. Why?

Monday, November 29, 2010

We No Speak No Americano

Alright, so Melissa had a question last night regarding my aversion to TOEFL athletes. AKA dudes who aren't native English speakers (why do I feel like that is the unPC term? Oh well, going with it).

Part of me thinks it had to do with my education. I don't mean that in a snobby way, at all. I mean that in an "English has always been the main focus of my education from age 5" and "I had to take intermediate French twice" way. Language is one of those things that doesn't register in my head. I took French for, collectively, six years, and I can say maybe like, a handful of complete sentences like "where is my dog" and "I have three people in my family". And because I was an English major, I put emphasis on the way people speak. I am a snob in that sense, which is weird because all I do on here is curse like a fucking sailor. But in person, I'm a big grammar person and I correct people when they say good instead of well. It physically hurts my ears.

So for me, the whole broken English thing was never attractive. Especially French. Spanish, to me, always sounds very high pitched...like all the dudes I work with at my bar, the barbacks and stuff, I love them, but I feel like if they were speaking English, they'd have a deeper voice. It has to do with pronunciations and annunciations and shit I think. I've met a few soccer dudes who spoke French and Spanish as a first language, and while they were hot, and bangable since I think "do you want to fuck" is universal, the idea of dating them long term and dealing with that barrier all the time is so unappealing to me.

However, Melissa also asked if there are any athletes I'd make the exception for, and obviously there are a few.

Iker Casillas has been mentioned on here before. He's the goalie for the Spanish national team, so he has a World Cup under his belt. He also plays professional for Real Madrid in La Liga. He's a total hottie and I'd definitely take some lessons from my barback to make that shit work out.

Kévin Gameiro is also another one. He's French (ugh) and plays soccer for the French national team, who sucked balls this summer in South Africa. He reminds me of a guy I used to have something for on the US team, a little bit. I think it's because he looks young. He plays in Ligue 1 for FC Lorient. He's a total hottie, albeit a creepily young looking one, and he actually has that all American boy look going on. I still have my tenth grade regent study guide for French in my closet. I could totally work out an entire conversation pre-boning this kid. Voulez-vous le boeuf? Vous aiment une bière? Pouvons-nous avoir le sexe? I GOT IT.

Francois Beauchemin is a defenseman for the Toronto Mapleleafs. Straight outta QC which means he speaks French and has a snooty fucking attitude (sorry dudes, I lost my luggage in Montreal once and those bitches couldn't have been more unfriendly or less helpful so I judge). But I'd still bang him. He also looks REALLY hot in full uniform. Not in uni, ehhh.. But he is also the alternate captain which means he has some kind of credibility when it comes to his skills. I'd go there, I admit it.

Surprised I wouldn't do the Christiano's of the world? I don't do the Euro thing. I don't do the questionable sexuality thing either. Any dude who spends more time grooming his hair, waxing parts of his body, and wearing tighter clothes than me, is not my style, however "hot" he may be. Ronaldo is too pretty. I need a little bit of manliness.

I definitely have a few more I could name, but in light of the fact I have to head out to work, I'll leave it here for now. Bonsoir bitches.

2nd String

So I happened to catch the rumor mill circulating this little bit of info on Reggie Bush last night right after I posted my E! post.

According to....I don't even know who, according to a few random websites that came up on Google...Reggie Bush, running back for the Saints and former extra on the show - I mean boyfriend - of Kim Kardashian, is now engaged to some chick I have never heard of. Her name is Mayra Veronica, and apparently she's a Latin "singer' from Cuba. However, best I can find is she has released one single that's hit no higher than 9 on charts I've never heard of. Heatseeker songs and Hot Dance Airplay? I mean...what?

Anyway, I will give her credit because (according to her Wiki page), bitch also went on a USO tour and did a calander shoot for the Wounded Warriors project. Hey, if you can use your body to help a dude in Afghanistan, I'm all for it.

However, reading the rest of her Wiki, I've already concluded she wrote this shit herself and outside of the USO shit, I no longer like her. I mean, honestly?:

"Upon her return from the tour, she was described as a "modern day Betty Grable"."
Described by who? Her mom?

Also, bitch did an FHM shoot at some point (hey, according to all the dudes who bounce at Mahiki in London and the actor dude I met and banged with the puppet audience, I modeled for FHM also), and honestly, here's more obvious posts she wrote herself:

"Veronica agreed and after mail requesting her return, she went on to appear on the cover of the FHM exclusive collection book, which included top sex symbols of the decade such as Pamela Anderson, Eva Longoria, and Carmen Electra. She was featured on other covers for FHM, Maxim, Edge, Smooth, and over 100 other national and international covers. Her popularity on such covers made her website at the time one of the top requested websites with more than 4 million hits biweekly."

"The top request website"? In terms of what? Google searches? DOUBTFUL. DOUBT, FUL.

She is putting herself in with the likes of Pam Anderson, Eva Longoria and Carmen Electra. I mean, while Pam may be the most weathered vagina still playing the game, whoever wrote this bit (most likely her publicist) has a point - bitches are famous and hot. This chick!? I have written two paragraphs since I copy and pasted her name from Google and already I've forgotten it. I'm sorry, no.

Also, there's like LOADS of speculation over her age. Most say she's 33, which is a solid nine years older than Reggie (dude likes the cougars), some say she's 28. I mean, honestly, in this day and age, people still have to "speculate" over age? Didn't that shit stop happening in like, the 1940's?

Anyway, she met Bush six months ago after he and Kim split for the 90th time and now they are apparently in love and can't live without each other. I got this quote from Showbiz Spy, though they don't really say who it's coming from. And insider, apparently?

"Although Mayra’s extremely busy promoting her new single If You Wanna Fly and rehearsing for her music video, she cleared her schedule when Reggie came to California."

Oh yeah, I'm sure she's extremely busy. Not too busy to clear the schedule when her meal ticket comes into town, though.

Bitch ain't dumb - she sees Bush as a payday and a step up. It won't happen though. If' I've learned anything, people like the music they like. If you're shit isn't good, your husband's "fame" won't do anything for it.

To me she looks like the cheap ass version of Kim. Kind of like a Kim Kardashian and that ugly chick from High School Musi- ASHLEY TISDALE. Forgot her name for a sec. Looks like those two had a lovechild and this is what came out. Not a fan. And while Kim's a little dead behind the eyes, I definitely think she was a better catch. She was never in it for the money with Reggie, that's a sure bet. This bitch? How do you say "prenup" in Spanish?

Okay, also, after just Googling some pictures, jesus christ. This woman is the biggest cheeseball I have ever fucking seen. She is STRAIGHT out of a Telemundo novella. Also, her body is retarded, I'm sorry. I just never found that size 22 waist and size XXL ass combo attractive. She looks BEAT. Like, I have definitely seen this chick when I've gone uptown to get wings in Harlem. And I think she was serving them. She has Coco's ass and a busted face. Sorry, definitely going Team Kardashian on this one. If you look through her Google pics, bitch is DESPERATE for attention, and she uses her ass in most cases to get it. It's kind of awful.

Boys I've Loved

Someone asked me about my laxers. Despite how big of assholes they could (and still can sometimes) be, these dudes were my bangable big brothers. Here's the team when we won ACC's in 2005. I was a lowly freshman lady at the ripe old age of 19. I'm in the middle left bending over (har har har...) I have this picture framed on my desk. Assholes. I miss you fuckers.

Hot Dudes Playing Sports You've Never Heard Of

I was supposed to go abroad to Australia my junior year of college. You don't understand, since I was five and first saw "The Rescuers; Down Under", I have wanted to go to Australia. Unfortunately, I had a chronic condition junior year (not the herp you judgmental bitches) and before it was diagnosed, the idea of being in a country like 7000 miles away from my doctors who knew what my sitch was was a little scary, so I balked on my application and stayed at Maryland. My goal is to go for my 25th birthday, particularly because my soul mate, Ian, lives there and I'd like to visit him.

Regardless, Aussie Rules Football, which is kind of like rugby (if you really want to know what it's all about, here's the Wikipedia Page) , has popped up on my radar in the last year, and tonight, it made a lasting impression with THIS dude:

Matthew Ballin (born 5 January 1984 in Nanango, Queensland, Australia) is a professional rugby league player who currently plays for the Manly-Warringah Sea Eagles in the National Rugby League (NRL). He primarily plays at hooker. (Thanks Wikipedia).

His last name is ballin. BALLIN. He has put every soccer hottie I've ever hooked up with/seen naked to SHAME. Sorry dudes, this guy looks like he was created by the hand of God AND he has an accent. People wrote Greek mythologies about dudes who look like this. I would sell my boobs and vagina to the Taliban to plant (very) small bombs in for a Jihad just to bang this guy once. ONCE.

Unfortunately, this dude was married as of 2008, which is kind of tragic, but he makes a fabulous case for why this sport should be more popular in the states. If there are more like him, I'll take him as a solid representative and a gateway to a wonderful new world of athletes with hottie fucking accents. G'DAY MATE.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Today is NOT Kick a Ginger Day

A big shoutout to the lady owner of the blog The Life of a Ginger. I really appreciate the hit and posting and honestly, dude, I am a way better kisser than Tucker Max, I would bet my on-a-good-day-32-B titties on it! Thanks for the shoutout!

E!'s Collection of Jersey Chasers

Got an e-mail tonight from Ada who asked my opinion on Kendra Wilkinson (former "Girls Next Door" "star", Playboy playmate and Hugh Hefner's "hey, my dick still works?!" meter reader) and Hank Baskett, Kendra's football playing hubby, who happens to be a little schizophrenic when it comes to teams. He's currently on the Vikings for the second time in his career, after the Colts? Or no, the Eagles released his ass in September. He's all up in the NFL unemployment line.

I watch the show Kendra every now and then. I admire her for coming out about the whole postpartum depression thing. A lot of people said she was a bitch because a lot of it definitely had to do with the fact that she went from being like a size -17 to being, to most women, "normal". I can relate to that because I'm a body person and I like feeling sexy. After having her body be an attraction and a focus for so long, it probably wasn't an easy change. So there, I'll give her some snaps.

If her husband is anything like he is in the show, I like him. I'm not super into football players, because I'm a tiny bitch and it's just a lot to take in (literally). But I definitely think he's a cutie and he seems like he actually gives a shit about her. There are loads of dudes in his position who treat girls like shit, and have that "naw man, I ain't playin' around" attitude that pisses me off. Hank doesn't seem to have it.

Maybe it's because his name is HANK. When I think Hank, I think King of the Hill. Simple. Down home. 1942, Rockford Illinois, farmers in overalls going to women's baseball games. I don't think bad ass wife cheater. So maybe it's working in his advantage.

As for her, ehh, sometimes I think she's funny, sometimes I'm like seriously lady? Why do you have so much money? For riding fossilized peen? Seriously?

I read her interview in whatever magazine about the first time she gang banged Hef. I obviously can't judge her because hi, I'm out here chatting about my vagina and those who've witnessed it's glory (kidding but not really). Should I judge her because her experiences were more...wrinkled than chiseled? No. But bitch has a shady past complete with drugs and whatnot, and me thinks she did what she did for money and not for anything else.

Same with the sex tape. Would have LOVED to have been a fly on the wall for that conversation with her husband. You know she guilted him about money. He was having issues sticking with a team, they have a kid, I think in one episode they talk about how to maintain a good life for their kid. 600k in the bank for releasing shit that was on film anyway? In one way I'm like fuck it, at least she took control of the situation and made out instead of letting someone fuck her and profit from it (literally and figuratively). However, I also am anti-personal fuck films (I once consistently banged a dude who worked for Barclays who wanted to quit his job and start a website that catered to people who were into exhibitionism and wanted to make online fuck films. And people say athletes are the fucked up ones? Really? Try bankers. They are a whole different breed of shady), so the old saying of "don't put on film what you don't want to remember" comes through here. At the end of the day, she's equal parts chick trying to secure the life she's come to know and famewhore who happened to get knocked up.
The whole split thing? I mean, I get it and I don't. I think if they break up, it will be on her shoulders, not his, and RARELY do I say that about a couple where the dude is an athlete. This girl is only a year older than me. A solid 25. I have friends who are 30 don't have kids or a husband or even a serious boyfriend, and that life is a lot to give up for a chick like Kendra. I mean, I personally fucking hate kids and that's why I eat birth control like it's crack, and I don't have her money and all that shit. I don't think she's ready to be settled down just yet, especially in some small town in like, minnesota or atlanta. She wants to party in LA, and she can if she gets a nanny like the rest of Hollywood. When I dated my two athletes, I basically went to the ends of the earth for them. I was moving to Canada to be with my baseball bf, giving up my life in New York, settling down, planning a family, buying a labrador. As for my laxer, I would have followed him anywhere and given up anything, particularly if a rock ever came from him. I couldn't imagine having a kid and living away from my husband.While I'm not into kids, there's something about family that can't be found via Skype. She "needs her own life"? She kind of gave that up when she got knocked up, and more so when she got hitched. And I just don't think she was ready. And I think if you see these two break up, it's going to be because she wants to be 25 and party her ass off like most 25 year olds do, let alone the Hollywood ones.

She is definitely a jersey chaser at heart. Chick was like the "sporty spice" of her grandpa fucking crew, and I would have been surprised had she not landed a dude that was in sports. She should have given bankers a chance though, she could have teamed up with Barclays kid and made both their dreams come true. Shame.

Kendra is also part of the list of E! bitch jersey chasers, though. You have Kim and Khloe Kardhasian over there as well. I have no idea what to think about Khloe's whole sitch. Like, bitch is Chyna's better looking sister (though she is the funniest of all of them, and the least dead behind the eyes in terms of personality), and Lamar Odum is like...you know. He just is. Is he hot? No. Is he ugly? Not really. He just exists. And he wears a lakers uniform and he makes a fucking boatshit of cash. I don't really know what to think about this whole thing. I would bet more toward a divorce than 50 years of happiness and growing old together...I feel like this is too much of a novelty for Khloe. But I've been proven wrong before. Only 48 more years to go to find out.

As for Kim, she's wracking up points in the Jersey Chaser game. Reggie Bush, Miles Austin? She may stick to one sport but at least she goes good looking. I happen to think Reggie Bush is VERY good looking, however, my lovely insiders who have interviewed him have told me not only is he a dick in terms of not blowing off interviews, he also has the worst case of halitosis (stinky ballsac breath, for you readers of limited vocabulary) known to man kind. Shame.

Miles Austin is a hottie as well in my opinion, in that like, weird features put together well way. His eyes, obviously, he has big dumbo ears which I kind of think is cute. He fucked up in the game in Thanksgiving and the Cowboys have been blowing ballsac this season, but seriously, if I had standards in terms of a guy being bangable based on his team's record, hockey dude would have been fucked (or, not so much) last year. As would my laxer ex boyfriend. So yeah, I put the focus on personal talent, not group efforts.

I would be surprised if Kim didn't end up with a football star. It seems to be her thing. And we all have things. Though apparently she was rumored to have boned John Mayer, and he is like, the polar opposite of an athlete. So maybe she's branching out. BITCH DON'T DO IT. Jersey chasing is the bomb! And you have the fucking knockers to pull it off! If you're not going to use them to get a championship winning husband, DONATE THEM TO SOMEONE WHO NEEDS THEM AND WOULD USE THEM CORRECTLY. Like me!

From One Blog to Another

Kat asked if I've ever had any of my drunken idiot BBM/texts posted on Texts from Last Night. I do keep up with that site, and from what I've seen, no. Part of me thinks they exclude the ones that are totally illegible, which would make like 75% of the ones I send ineligible. Tragic, but it's something to strive for! The more "is she speaking Chinese" texts I send, the more likely I'll get famous on TWO sites. Ambitions! Thanks, Kat.

(And no, that picture posted is not of my phone. I have a Blackberry, not an iPhone.)

A Picture's Worth 1,000 Judgmental Blog Posts

Got a request today asking that, since I'm "out", can I post some pictures of myself so you guys can tear my ass apart. Sure, why not? I already know I'm not photogenic and I'll lay it easy on myself by giving you guys the pictures that don't highlight my drunken inability to dance or speak or keep my eyes uncrossed. Okay, maybe one dancing picture...

Bad dancing picture, I know people with epilepsy that have better moves than me. Also, this outfit looks hideous on film but is kind of adorable in person, I swear.

Okay, I used to think this was a nice picture of me, but apparently I got a lot of flack from two blogs about looking like someone who, and I quote "was a simpleton who drove to 7-11 with a baby on my lap". It was a BBQ people, in July, in New York. a.) it's hot, b.) it was at my own house with my friends, c.) I hate children more than anything and trust me, I wouldn't dare let one in my Jeep, let alone on my lap where the smell would rub off on me. I'm from Long Island, not Kentucky.

Here's one for the rumor whores...me and my two best buds at a soccer game in Chicago circa 2009 I think? I cut them out because I don't know how fab they'd feel being on here. My eyes are shut and I was hungover working on like, 2 hours of sleep after having shopped the Miracle Mile or whatever the fuck it's called for 4 hours. This was easily the most bender weekend I have ever had in my life. I survived on vodka and Corona. We made Vegas look like The Discovery Zone. Yeah, I look like shit, because I felt as such. Sue me. I was lucky I had the strength to even put jeans on and not sweatpants.

And finally, another one I can laugh at myself over. When my ex-laxer boyfriend went back to college, I got some pictures done because I had played an April Fools joke on him that I got picked for Girls of the ACC (in my push up bra DREAMS) edition of Playboy, and he believed it but was excited, not terrified...so I got some lame pictures done to give to him when he went back to college. Obviously my 5'4" (5'5" on my license) stature isn't the only reason I am not a model. I swear, in person, I don't have that "dead behind the eyes" thing going on.

So go, you psycho stalkers and tear everything to shreds. I'm giving you the ammunition. Go! Run! Scurry!

Coming up next...LARRY!!!

Daria e-mailed me with some fabulous news on my friend LARRY. Well, some hear say gossip which I'm trying to confirm or deny, and if I can't do either, I'm just going to speculate on LD's situation with a possible loan over to Everton again. Thanks for the heads up Dasha, post will be up later tonight! Larry!!

Hillary Duff, Big Brother

So I don't have time for any proper posts, I'm dying a slow painful death from lack of sleep, however, I'd just like you all to know that this morning I got in the shower and told myself to "wake up"...which proceeded to me having this lyric in my head "wake up, wake up on a Saturday night"...no idea what song it's even from, I don't know the rest of the words, can't even quite place who sings it.

Possibly because Hillary Duff released this song like, 4 years ago. I will totally admit while I have some shady ass music on my computer, the Duffster is not one of them. I swear to God, she psychically knows I was ragging on her and her hubby last night and stuck this song in my head as punishment.

Dude, you don't fuck with ex ladies of the Mouse House. CLEARLY, I've learned my lesson, but now you all must suffer with me. Enjoy.

Personal Requests

This one will come back to bite me in the ass because either a.) no one will respond or b.) I'm going to get some rude ass fucking comments and questions, but hey, why not.

I do a lot of chatting about myself and try to pick and choose stories I think are relatively funny. I obviously have loads but my literary agent is being adamant that I hold up on giving them all away until my meeting with a publisher in mid December. I have plenty to keep the blog going though, but just out of curiosity, is there anything you fuckers wanna know or ask about? Any team or sport that interests you, anything you'd like to know about me?

I'm an open book bitches. As long as its not "can I see your pussy" or "will you let me fuck you in the ass" (both e-mails I've gotten from my apparent "fans"), I'll give an honest answer. Let me know. I love a little feedback.

Also - you are more than welcome to ask who the guys I refer to on here are, but that will not be answered, as per usual. Sorry lovies!

Texts from Last Night

I've been on my feet all day dealing with people from Missouri and other states I couldn't point out on a map, so you guys get one more post before I pass out and have to do it all again tomorrow, but I thought this short little one would be good.

I have a terrible, TERRIBLE habit of drunk texting and bbming, particularly dudes who I've banged. Like I said, I must have drunk prank called my ex boyfriend, the laxer, like 25 times in the few months after he dumped my ass. But the texts are terrible, and the best part is I know myself well enough, even when I'm shitface, to DELETE the messages after I send them, because I know if I wake up the next morning sober, hung over and feeling like shit, and I read the text that says "Iithink tyou need toj duped your girlfirned because sheds blonded and id fuck you aeight ways fomr SUNDAY" or the "id let you fuck me anywhere, even my ear" drunken promises that would never come to fruition unless I was roofied, that I sent to a hockey player or a laxer or a soccer hottie, I'd legitimately drown myself in the toilet while puking from being hung over.

This week has had two bad drunk calls/bbm, one to hockey dude (my friend and I left him a 7 minute voicemail, what I said I have no fucking idea, thanks Four Loco!) and one drunken "what language is she speaking" BBM to soccer hottie. I then gave my soccer hottie's BBM pin to my friend (who he's met a few times, anyway) and had her add him. Still pending. Not shocking.

Anyway, this one actually takes the cake. About four months ago, I decided I wanted to bang Brandon Morrow (true story). And about a year ago, the entire pitching staff from the Toronto Blue Jays had come into my bar and were bullshitting with me and a friend who had come in to visit me. She's a fucking HOTTIE, like, legitimately a gorgeous model type hottie. Anyway, she pairs off with one dude (bad story on that one, btw, for another post) and I end up going home because dudes are all married and talking about going to Sapphire, this gross stripper bar, and the last thing I want to do is go look at bitches who have bigger (albeit faker) tits that me. Anyway, my friend and one dude from the Blue Jay's hook up a few times. But then she gets a serious boyfriend and doesn't speak to him again. A year later, I hit her up for his number.

Mind you, I had never spoke to the dude she hooked up with. He never gave me his number or offered it up.

"Hey, what's up, I met you at my bar, you hung out with my friend, I know you're playing the Yankees this weekend, can you give Brandon Morrow my number? Tell him I'm hot - I swear I am. I really just wanna hook up with him. No strings attached. Come in I'll buy you a beer. You're not a threat because you're not going to playoffs. I'll even buy you two."

This text gets sent on a Saturday night. To a dude I had never spoken to. About a dude I had never met.

"Who is this again?" he texts back, assuming that he legitimately gave his number to me and that I didn't stalk it from some girl he banged months and months ago. At this point, I'm too shitfaced to respond in English, so I think I attempted to type Stefanie and my phone autocorrected it to Staph Infection. Nothing better than talking about hooking up with a guy and then dropping a text about infections. Definitely a great movie on my part.

Never got to hook up with Morrow, sadly. And somehow, I didn't get a restraining order or a cease and desist letter from player's attorneys. But I have to wonder if dude passed the message on. If not, Brandon Morrow, if you're reading this, I'd still fuck you and I promise, I am totally bangable! No need to drunk text, just drop me a line over there ----------->