Monday, November 22, 2010

The Athlete Boyfriend and Husband

I got an e-mail tonight about whether or not I was looking to date and/or marry any of these guys I talk about or, an athlete I may meet in the future. It wasn't phrased quite as nicely as I just put it, but the thought was there so I thought that'd make a good post.

I have the same issues finding a boyfriend that most girls do. I go through lulls where I wonder if I'm ever gonna get married or if I'm ever gonna meet someone I really click with who's more than just a fling. It's not that I'm hideously deformed or have herpes or like, have the worst personality in the world - at least I don't think that's it, maybe I really am a gross hag with no personality and my friends are all just super sweet, who the fuck knows. But in my opinion, I think that it's that I just haven't met a guy (since my last serious boyfriend in 08/09) that I wanted to be with/who wanted to be with me.

The athletes I hook up with, rarely am I expecting a relationship out of ANY of them. There have been instances where I thought maybe something could come out of what we had going on, where some feelings that were more than sexual were there on both sides...but they just never worked out. And I never pushed them too. You shouldn't have to push shit to work in a relationship. Some girl accused me of chasing dudes that don't want me - why does it have to be about relationships and "being wanted"? Why can't it be what it's about - having a really fucking good time with a guy who's hot and fun and has a good body and (most of the time) has a chill personality? Why do women like to paint themselves AND OTHER WOMEN as human beings incapable of just wanting to have a good time? It's always an ulterior motive of relationships and dating and marriage and babies...but it's never really been about that for me. At least not in the last few years. Maybe when I was younger, but now, I've kind of learned the ropes. I know what to expect and that's the beauty of it. Maybe you don't get it, that I can have a good time without being "wanted" for the rest of my God damn life. But that's the truth.

So why do I fuck around with the athletes? Because it's fun, and it's easy, and I know what to expect from them 99% of the time. Because I know that at the end of the night, I can have a really fucking fun time with some of these guys, and not have to worry if I can't see myself marrying them the next day, or worrying about what they thought about me. And that's what it is - a good time. I can honestly say that, outside of getting accepted to one of my number one colleges, two of my best memories have been just hanging out with two specific athletes. One who I dated seriously, and one who I just kind of had a really weird, comfortable relationship with. Neither of those moments were "captured on film" or recorded or exposed. I'm not the girl who's looking to be seen in a club with some guy for my own perks. In fact, one of those nights took place in a shady ass hotel in NJ at like 4 in the morning, and NOT in a bedroom. So it's not like you have to want to date or marry a guy to have a good fucking time with them. One night once in a while is okay with me, because I'm not looking to fall in love with these guys. I'm looking to wake up the next morning and say "shit, I wish I could do it again". I don't chase guys who don't want me - I accept that guys might not want me forever, just like I might not want them forever. Doesn't mean I don't want them (in the sexual sense and the friend sense and the moment of hilarity sense) at that moment though.

Is that to say there haven't been some misguided feelings? Of course not. I'm still a human with half a heart and probably even less of a brain. I cave to the whole idea of having a boyfriend every now and then, and yes, being intimate with these guys sometimes crosses over to "I wonder what it'd be like to be with him". But I also have a seriously strong sense of reality where I know most likely, it's not working out for a reason. I am a girl who can handle being a friend to a guy she may have had feelings for once at some point in time or has hooked up with. So while feelings sometimes flutter through for these guys, rarely do I ever fall to them. I simply enjoy the company that I am presented with and take every good moment for what it's worth, whether it's crazy hot sex, or just a bunch of laughs over some beers with some guys, or both.

Further, as much as I care about some of these guys and love being around them, being around them the way I'M around them reminds me that at the end of the day, I'd rather be single than be a fucking psycho tracking my boyfriend's cell phone bill and e-mail accounts, which, if I dated most of these guys, I would be doing. Like, some SERIOUS PI shit going down. So no, I don't know if I could ever see myself dating some of them (let ALONE marrying) because I kind of know them at times in their dickiest sense.

As for the future, who the fuck knows. It's not a requirement that a dude play a sport to put a nice rock on my hand. Do I think I could pull off the life of the distance and the trust issues and the constant sports related problems all other normal relationships don't have to deal with? Yes, because I've done it a lot and I've done it well. But it doesn't mean I want to do it forever. If I met a dude tomorrow who worked selling graphic design programs and he was cool and normal and funny and not a Redsox fan, I wouldn't ever push it away simply because he didn't play a sport. So no, it's not like a requirement. I'm open to all dudes who aren't total fucking losers.

As for right now? I've been "single" in that sense for about two years, and I've had a fucking BLAST. I've done more cool shit in the last two years than a lot of people do in their life, and I never would have done it had I been seriously involved. Like any girl, I go through periods where I hate being single or I wish I had a dude to hug, but then I thank GOD I have the world's greatest gay best friend and that whole longing goes away and I realized I'm not even 25 yet, that I need to have fun while I can and while the opportunities to do so present themselves. Maybe your idea of "fun" isn't the same as mine, but the point is, for now, I have these opportunities that most likely won't (and shouldn't) be there in a few years. I'm not going to pass them by because they are unconventional, or because other people think it's strange or slutty or dumb. Sorry. My happiness and my memories mean more to me than what other people think of me. Live your own life and be happy with who you are and what you do. I do and I am.

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