Friday, November 26, 2010

Athlete Breakups

This one is for Kimberly. Mind you, I'm not like, a relationship expert (I'm single, I know you're SHOCKED), but here's a story that has to do with having actual feelings for an athlete dude.

My last serious boyfriend was a laxer. And he was like, mildly infamous. We dated for a little under a year. I adored him. Like, when I say I would have walked through fire for this dude, I would have. He was such a typical laxer, too. But when he and I were together, we had the best fucking time and the best laughs ever.

He went back to college, I had graduated. Long story short, he broke up with me two weeks into his fall semester. Over the phone. Dude came down to New York two days later to do it in person and get one more fuck in (totally a nice move, asshole). He then proceeded to make life miserable by getting drunk every weekend and calling me to tell me he made a mistake and he missed me, but then would sober up and not want to get back together. He'd text me when he knew I was on dates to ruin them because he was jealous, and he had the balls to call me and ask me who I was fucking when I went down to Maryland's lacrosse alumni to see my buds. He made it very difficult to get over him because, despite the fact that he was in another state, he just wouldn't go away. I remember when I started banging a hockey player he called me yelling at me over pictures he saw on my Facebook and I just remember telling him I could fuck whoever I wanted because he chose everything else but me. I hung up on him.

He started dating a chick a month later, and they've been together ever since.

I lost ten pounds when he dumped me. I lose weight over stress. It sucks. I had been through one other dumpage before where I literally wanted to kill myself, so I didn't want to do that again. I wanted to learn from the past and not let this breakup consume my life.

I was literally heartbroken. How I functioned for the next three weeks, no idea. Like, totally thought I was going to marry that dude, and he ended up being a pretty big dick post breakup.

I look back over the last two years, and if I could thank the dude for dumping me, I would (except I have him blocked on Facebook and I've FINALLY forgotten his number). Let me run down a list of shit I did starting the October after he dumped me (dumped me in September).

-Made two of the best friends I could ever have in my life, who I would not have met had I still been with him.

-Banged a lot of hot dudes, particularly athletes. Soccer, hockey, baseball, all this started happening after he broke up with me. In terms of looks, talent, and money, these dudes put my ex to SHAME. It was a big ego boost when I was feeling pretty low.

-Went to Paris, twice, London twice, LA, Chicago, St. Thomas, Philly, had amazing trips with my best friends and seriously enjoyed my life and went and did shit I never would have had I still been dating him. I traveled so much and tried to put myself into experiences no one else would have, and the shit I came up with was right on the money. Hi, I fucked an actor who was obsessed with puppets. How many other people can say that (or want to admit it)?

-Learned my own worth. I was embarrassed that I wanted to be a writer when I was with him. He came from a wealthy family and he went to a prestigious college and I felt like I had to live up to that to fit in. I was prepping for my LSATs when he and I were dating, and to be honest, I probably would have done well (my GPA would have sorely limited my options for law school though). I didn't want to really be a lawyer. I just wanted to do something I could be "proud of". Now? I am more fucking proud of my writing than I have ever been.

-Went to like 4 million cool, random sporting events. Because of my newfound connections with athletes, I went to games I'd never have gone to had I not gotten introduced to those guys, and trust me, my ex would not have been kosher with me palling around with some of the athletes I've chilled with. Kid was randomly jealous. But yeah, had I not been single, I would have missed some seriously awesome games.

Was it easy? No. I drunk prank called that dude like 27 times in the 5 months after he dumped me. God, some of those voicemails were so fucking friends and I once pranked him pretending to be this Jewish lady named Patty who got his number from a male escort service..something about building model planes and trains and going to the senior citizens center for a dance...good times. The point is, I missed him for a while. He was the "all american dude" every mom wants her daughter to marry. The sex was good, I was attracted to his looks and personality, we meshed well, and I think we genuinely did love each other. So no, it wasn't easy. I prayed that he would die of a really bad herpes outbreak like, every day for months on end. Now? Eh, I hope he's happy (though I secretly hope he gets fat). I don't miss him and God, I wouldn't change what happened for anything.

What I have learned is that there is ALWAYS another guy. I used to think no one could be better than my ex. He was hot, educated, romantic, funny, he had money, he played lacrosse, he had great hair...he was "it", right? Wrong. In March of the following year I met a younger dude who played soccer who was better than my laxer ex in almost every way. And granted it didn't work out (that's a story for a whollllllle other post), he reminded me that there is no guy who can't be replaced. Athletes are all very similar and at times, interchangeable. I've learned that if one fucks you over, there's another waiting in the wings some where waiting to treat you well for at least a night.

Kimberly, I hope that helped. I don't really know what other advice to give you other than to remind yourself to live your life to the fullest (lame) and do everything you can that scares you that you wouldn't have done had you still been with your athlete boyfriend. There will be another dude who is as good or better than the dude you lost. Trust me.

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