Sunday, November 28, 2010

Chasing the Jersey - I'll Give You a Pass

Clearly, Carrie Underwood is my 2nd in command to Miranda Kerr. However, Carrie Underwood has her own lower ranking version of herself, and that would be Hillary Duff.

The Duffster is a little more than a year younger than me. She managed to snag a hockey player and she's done well for herself. She didn't end up on the path to rehab like Miley Cyrus after her Disney Show escapade, and while I would rather pick up a book on giving yourself an enema before I'd want to read her shit Elixir (this word took me like twenty years to spell, Jesus Christ), I'll give her credit for being a solid self-made woman with a decent jersey on her shoulder.

Mike Comrie isn't really the next coming of Wayne Gretzky, and he's been on like seven teams in his career (currently with the Penguins), but I mean, a jersey is a jersey when it comes to dudes like him. He had his high point where he made decent cash, and if he was smart, he banked it properly. And while he is no where near as much of a hottie as Mike Fisher, Carrie Underwood's hubby, he still has that "you know I look hot when I'm playing" thing about him. I mean, if he were single, I'd probably fuck him. Even if he's Canadian. And even if he has a head shaped like a fucking pineapple.

Comrie's biggest issue, in my humble opinion, is that he tries to hard with his wardrobe. Seriously, Google his ass and look at the shit he wears. Like, it looks like he's stealing clothes from Justing Timberlake, Rob Kardashian and Phil Hughes closet. Three piece vest things and deep V tshirts and sneakers that look lame on a dude his age. I'm just not digging his style. Also, poor fucker is balding. Tragic. TRAGIC.

Also, and this is a big also, I've met Comrie on two occasions (nothing shady, you accusatory rumor starting little fuckers), and he actually seems like a genuinely nice guy. Does this mean there is zero chance for some news story to come out in a year or two about Comrie banging brunette hookers from Thailand? Nope, we all know my opinions on dudes with good reputations on and off the field (omitting a wife and child isn't lying in their eyes!). But I'll give him a pass for the moment because he wasn't a total and complete dbag like some OTHER ISLANDERS I KNOW. Just kidding. Sort of. Not really. I drove you home fucker.

Basically, Comrie and Duff are like the B-Team version of Underwood and Fisher. She's blonde, but Underwood is a hottie blonde. She's got money, but Underwood has money and is genuinely gifted in what she does (sorry, bitch has a sick fucking voice). Comrie is a hockey player, but Fisher is kind of a staple on his team. Comrie is cute in that "you'd fuck me while my jersey was on" way, but Fisher is "you'd fuck me even if you found out I could pop my teeth out" way. Both dudes are Canadian, so I mean, an even tie of defeat there.

It's also sad that if you simply Google search images for Mike Comrie, you have so seriously DIG for any hockey related photos, even if you add the word hockey to the search. It's all pictures of him and Hillary. Apparently he's not in a lot of action shots on the ice....this one I dug up on his Wikipedia page. He actually looks mildly attractive here.

But credit to the Duffster, she marked her territory, stuck it out while Comrie was playing in arguably the worst arena in the hockey world, dealing with bitches from Suffolk County who still tease their hair and have terrible Long Island accents and hang out at Champs in the Marriott after games hoping to meet a player (people from Long Island totally know what I'm talking about), and she bagged a half way decent jersey. She gets the passing grade in my book. B+ Duffy!
At the end of the day, though, Carrie Underwood is just all "bitch, please" on Hillary. And I'm sorry, I'm right there with her.


  1. Fun factoid Mike Comrie comes from one for the wealthiest families in Canada. It just so happens he's good at hockey and was able to play in the show. His family owns one of the biggest furniture companies can't remember which one. But it still doesn't make up for the fact the dude has a forehead that rivals Jack Bauer.

  2. Fisher had his best year when he was with Underwood, that should count for something. Look how Comrie is doing...

  3. Comrie had a great pre-season this year. Too bad those don't count for anything.