Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Denial, Not Just a River in Egypt (that you'd like to drown your cheating spouse in)

A big thanks to Martin, my own personal Geek Squad manager/accountant/friend man who managed to get my wireless up and running...I have time for one post before I actually have to start serving Bloody Mary's to women who like to drink at 10:30 in the morning to deal with their unruly children. Good times.

Melissa e-mailed me last night with a solid question about cheating and the whole culture of athletes, and whether women who stay with cheating athletes (a la Coleen Rooney, for example) are women who are tough enough to deal, or simply oblivious and stupid. Clearly, I'm not a therapist, more often than not I'd need one, not be one, so this is all my own opinion from what I've dealt with and seen.

It depends, honestly, on the sport and the guy in question, as lame as that answer is. I have been in two serious relationships with dudes who play sports (baseball and lacrosse), and, to my very best knowledge, I didn't get fucked around on by either, and I would bet my solid life on at least one of those guys being faithful. The other, eh, I'm like 95% sure but he had a record of cheating, and we all know the old thing...cheaters don't change their spots, leopards don't stop cheating, whatever.

I've witnessed some of the most ridiculous moments of cheating in my life, which, on my side were kind of fucking hilarious, on the other side it's like "oh shit, sucks to be his wife", from athletes.

I'd never hook up with an athlete that had a wife. I've had the opportunity twice, and marriage is just kind of that thing I don't fuck around with. Girlfriends? Depends on the severity of the relationship. For example, I've been known to fool around with an athlete who apparently has some sort of situation going on. But since the beginning he's been shady about her, and I'm not looking to date him or marry him so this isn't like a "warning sign" for me. I'm looking to enjoy his company and if he isn't into her enough to be faithful, to me, it's fair game. Why? Because I don't think he loves her and I don't think he's going to marry her. I could be completely wrong, but if I am, I'd rather be wrong on my end then "right" on hers. In some ways this probably makes me a shitty person, but we all have our boundaries and unfortunately, bad relationships that aren't going to last are not one of mine. Marriage? Yes. Kids? No brainer. Girlfriends who ignore the reality of the situation? Bitch, fend for yourself.

I don't know if it takes a specific "kind of woman" to deal with cheating. I mean clearly it comes down to two things - heartbreaking love, or complete and utter blissful ignorance to the Nth fucking degree. Coleen Rooney. Why is she still with Wayne? Because she grew up with Wayne. She has kids with Wayne. She was there before the rest of those $1000 hookers were paid for, before he had an ego that trumped the fact that he looks like Shrek. She has a life there. There's more at stake than her own dignity or pride for staying with him. And that, I get a little bit.

Then you have the Eva Longoria's and the Brett Favre's wife lady (I'm too lazy to Google her name). Tony Parker had cheated on Eva in the first year of their marriage, and remained Facebook friends with the chick after. I mean, how the fuck else do you spell RED FUCKING FLAG? Brett Favre? Wouldn't marry the chick and slept around on her during pregnancy and with kids, and now she's over there praying to Jesus over the likes of JENN STERGER. JENN, FUCKING, STERGER. Get a fucking clue lady! Grow a pair and move on with your life. There is no guy who can't be replaced. There is no guy who is the end all, and if he's cheating once, there's something there you can't fix, no matter how much weight you lose, or how much more sex you have, or how many fetishes you cave to, or how "chilled out" you become about him flirting around.

What baffles me more is in this day and age, the internet knows everything. EVERYTHING. (Trust me, I know all about people somehow witnessing stupid shit and then stalking your Facebook over rumors. Sup ladies!) And women still refuse to utilize it. They refuse to read it. I am an avid stalker. Like, I can find people's home address if I know the initial of their first name and their approximate age. I swear to God, I should have gotten a job at the CIA, I'd have found Osama Bin Laden like, four years ago using Google, Intellius Search and White And while a lot of the bullshit on the internet is fake and made up, if you know the person you're dating, it doesn't take much to know what's true. It's a blessing and a curse. The dawn of the omnipresent internet meant the end of ignorant bliss for a lot of these chicks who date and marry athletes.

Still, some choose to ignore. They assume they are "the one" and they are "special" and they "will be the one to change the guy's cheating ways" and that they know better than the hoards of women who somehow know about a birth mark on a penis or a tattoo on the upper thigh that other women shouldn't know about unless they're giving the dude a fucking colonoscopy. These women, I don't feel sorry for. These women need to wise up and stop being so God damn needy, because that's all it is. They NEED to be the number one. They NEED to change the guy. They NEED the attention. And eventually, they'll NEED a prescription for Valtrex. Tell the dude to fuck off and he can go stick his dick where ever he pleases. I'd be less embarrassed if a hot athlete dumped my ass, than if people knew I was pretending that he didn't cheat when the rest of the world knew he was. Sorry, call me a bitch, but I'll take my pride and my vagina else where, dude can have the other bitches who are just gonna crucify your ass somewhere online anyway.

It's hard too, with the whole persona of certain athletes. Look at Tiger Woods. Dude looks like he fucking invented the iPad. I mean, sure loads of money and shit, but is he that desirable? Maybe I'm an oddball jersey chaser. I wouldn't have fucked Tiger Woods, and it's not like my standards are insanely high. Have you ever heard him speak? It's like Barack Obama had a love child with Hong Kong Phooey. Like, how is that even remotely attractive? If I were in it for money, I'd have married a dude who worked for UBS like 5 years ago and traded bad sex for an endless account at Bergdorff. Tiger Woods? Just for sex? I don't think I'd have ever gone there. So I can kind of get why Elin might not have thought he was cheating. He just doesn't seem like the type who wants to bang gross dirty chicks with tits that look like they physically hurt (have you seen that one porn chick? Her boobs look like they are pregnant, seriously). He seems like the type of guy who wants to download the latest App to his iPhone.

Here's a fabulous example. A while ago friends and I were hanging out with some athletes. At the time, I didn't know the guys that well, only the one guy who I had been seeing for a little bit. He introduces my friend to his friend/teammate. They hit it off, chill all night. Go home together. Rumor had circulated that his friend had a girlfriend. "No comment" one teammate said to her whens she asked. "He totally has a girlfriend," my friend told me. she asks him when he suggests they leave the restaurant together. "Who told you that?" he asked. "I have my sources," she said. "A little birdie told me." "Well that little birdie is completely wrong," he assured her. "I definitely don't have a girlfriend."

Dude was an insanely nice guy. Fun to hang out with, cool, relaxed. MARRIED. CHILD. Thank you Google for that information two days too late.

On the same coin, I have one soccer friend who is insanely faithful and a great dude. From what I've seen, he's been in a load of situations where he could have cheated, and instead he talks glowingly about his significant other whenever he can. He's, from what I know, a genuinely good guy.

What it comes down to is a personal choice. Dignity and respect, love and fear, all that shit. That's why I bang 'em and I don't invest in them. I know how this shit is played out. I've seen shitty things happen more often than I've ever seen the fairy tale endings. Why do I bang athletes? Because I don't get stressed if I read about who they bang a week later. Because I can separate love from a good time. I know when to employ jealousy, and it isn't when a dude I'm in the middle of fucking is going to be 3,000 miles away in seven hours. Sorry.

They travel, they're wanted, they usually have hot bodies, they're well groomed, they have money, they are "famous", they have BBM's and big bank accounts and iPhones and hotel rooms and in this day and age where Seth Roegan movies have given the nerds of the world the feeling of entitlement to cheat on hotties, rest assured that hot athletes that have been doing it for years aren't going to change anytime soon.


  1. Is cheating the reason Donovan dumped his wife?

  2. Eh, I've heard it both ways, an affirmative from my buds at SI, a possibly I don't know negative from my buds who have and do play with him. It could go either way. I could see LD being super clingy and faithful, all like "DON'T EVER LEAVE ME CUZ I'D FIND YOU" and shit, but I could also see him going up to every chick in Europe and being like "I AM LANDON DONOVAN WANT TO BANG SAY YES I WON'T TAKE NO FOR AN ANSWER MY PANTS ARE ALREADY OFF", so it could really go either way for me...

  3. That's how he was with you, wasn't it? "I AM LANDON DONOVAN AND ALL WOMEN WANT ME"? I think getting married in your 20s is almost always a mistake, and infidelity or not, he was probably way too young for marriage.

    I've heard that he's quite a man-ho these days.

  4. Haha ahhh, how he was with me was um...similar yes lol. Maybe not in such a booming voice but...the wording sounds very similar ;)

  5. Thanks for the post!!!

    LD --- Bwahaha! Seriously, does LD think he's Cristiano Ronaldo or David Beckham? How did he land his wife with game like that?

  6. The craziest thing about athletes girlfriends or wives is how much they will put up with just because it is easier to turn a blind eye then start over especially if they have never had to work or went to school and got a education...its kind of sad in away to be with a man who never really is in love with you sure some of these guys probably love and care for them to a degree but they aren't in love with them. Ive always believed if a man truly loved and cared for you he would never do anything to hurt you in any capacity...this why I have no problem hooking up with a athlete cause if these chicks really wanted to all they have to do is leave. Money can buy lots of pretty nice things but it can't buy you happiness. As lame as that sounds its kinda true..

  7. Totally with you on the internet stalking thing. If you need to figure something out, use your resources!

    Trying to figure out who your faithful soccer friend is. I'm leaning towards Tim Howard or Dolo b/c they're both married and seem like good guys...but what do I know.
    It obviously isn't "Captain America", though.

  8. Oohh, is Clint Dempsey the faithful friend you have? His WAG looks super nice.