Friday, November 19, 2010

Dudes Who Look Hotter in Uniform

I have a hard on for the uniforms, I'll admit it. When I was like, 18/19/20, I went through a military and firefighter stage of dating. My mom hated it. The beauty part of athletes is that uniforms come with the whole package. But have you ever noticed that some dudes are only hot when they're rockin' their colors on the field/ice/court? It's kind of disingenuous. But then again, I wear super padded bras (my soccer hottie once asked if I got a boob job in the two month time span we hadn't seen each other. Thank you Victoria Secret) so I guess a little bit of lying via a piece of clothing isn't something I can rag on.

Anyway, here's a short list of athletes that I would gladly wash their jerseys for, if they promised to keep them on 24/7, 365.

The first one hurts a little bit, but let me preface, I will always love Derek Jeter. Jeter has given me some of the best moments of my childhood life in sports, and for that, I will always respect him. Dude could get acid thrown on his face or lose his jaw to cancer and I'd still marry him. However, despite my total bias, I can admit that when you take away the pinstripes...he kind of looks like a cheesey Italian dude who has a "lot of money" and a 1999 Audi A4 that lives in Queens. I'M SORRY, OKAY?! But I mean honestly, I think it's the whole "let's dress like its 1987" thing kills him. He wears oversized sports coats with tight black tops underneath and loafers. Jeter, come on. Get in with a nice button down, or a fucking pair of khakis, or one of those thermal shirts guys wear...why are you dressing like you just went shopping at the mall off Queens Boulevard?! Tragic.

Next we have Tim Howard. Timmy, Timmy, Timmy. I have many, many deep thoughts on Tim Howard, but I'll stick to the ones about his appearance. Tim, in my opinion looks super attractive in the electric greens and pinks and oranges, and there's something about when he's cursing at Landon Donovan for being a dbag on the field (just kidding. Sort of, not really) that makes him seem like a take charge kind of guy. So it's sad, really really sad when a person looks hotter in jerseys designed by Crayola than in normal, every day clothes. In his normal, every day clothes he is basically professing to the world that yes, in fact, he is from New Jersey.

Let's discuss Roberto Luongo. I love love love the Canucks. My ex-boyfriend was a Canucks fan and he got me into them. Watching a hockey game in Canada is like watching baseball in New York or Boston. It's life, and coming from a place where I can buy NHL hockey tickets for 7 dollars with my now expired student ID card from college (thank you, Nassau Coliseum) it's very impressive. Roberto Luongo is the goalie for the Canucks and was also the main goalie for team Canada when they made all of us on this side of the border feel a little less patriotic, handing the US an OT loss in the gold medal games in the Olympics. Tear. Anyway, with his pads on, Luongo looks like a piece of Italian prosciutto I'd love to bite into. Without the pads? He looks like that guy on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart who was also the angry book editor who gets fired, Bob Spalding, from The Proposal with Sandra Bullock.

Keith Yandle. Yandle's a defenseman and the alternate captain for the Phoenix Coyotes. I happen to think he looks super attractive with the pads and helmet. Plus, sometimes he rocks the captaincy. However, even though I couldn't find any pics of him sans uniform, I've met him before, and he's just not that inspiring in person. But how good does he look ripping off Mitchell's head? Seriously.

Eli Manning. Now, I've mentioned before that I am definitely not a huge NFL fan, nor the world's biggest Giants fan, but I was in New England when they beat the pats in 08 for the Super Bowl. Automatically that throw gave Eli Manning some hotness in my eyes. When he's in his pads and jersey, he looks like a typical, all American hottie who grew up on some farm and worked his ass of - you know what? HE IS TIM RIGGINS FROM FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS. Do you guys watch that show? It's so underrated. ANYWAY, like I said, in his ass pads and shoulder pads and even sans helmet, he looks like the all american guy you want to date in high school. But take away the blue, and he kind of looks like the dude who sold me my Macbook Pro in the 5th Avenue Apple store.

1 comment:

  1. Hmm, interesting. Agree on them all except Eli Manning only b/c I saw him in person once. He's hotter in person. I was like, "Whoa!" Very unexpected.