Wednesday, November 17, 2010

The Era of the Sext Related Divorce

Eva, Eva, Eva...I gotta give her credit, she pushed it out for 3 years, which in married athlete lives, is like pushing the 25 mark. Am I surprised? Nope. She's a good warning for all athlete wives and girlfriends - pull a Jessica Simpson and be a little psycho; check their God damn phones!

Apparently, according to sources that I think spoke to TMZ and People Magazine, Eva found loads of "personal texts" sent between her husband and this woman that were sent within a month's time. She also learned that this secret correspondence has been going on for nearly a year and when she confronted Tony about it, he confessed to it all.

As much as I love my Crackberry, phones are the devil. People say Facebook will be the death of mankind, NOPE, iPhones and Blackberries are already waging their war. Athletes are not stupid. Well, most aren't, in that sense. What am I talking about? Yes they are. But, most athletes learn early on that all it takes is one picture of them in the presence of a woman who is NOT their wife or girlfriend to start a million and ten rumors. Smartphones are the new rendevouz for athletes. BBM (Blackberry Messenger) makes it easy for international play. Sure, nothing replaces the real thing (I spent 75 bucks on a vibrator and it's been rotting away in my drawer next to my old phone chargers I refuse to throw out and a gift book about Pisces), but the real thing isn't always what these guys are after. It's the POTENTIAL for the real thing. Athletes are still guys, and they still liked to have their ego (among other things) stroked. They can in theory have an entire virtual affair without ever even meeting the woman on the other end of the phone. Me and my soccer hottie spent four months BBMing back and forth before we actually met and hooked up. I even convinced him to do a favor for a buddy of mine at Sports Illustrated - HAVING NEVER MET HIM. And, even though his girlfriend has been on the scene now for a while, the dirty texts and pictures still get sent (yeah I know I'm just as bad as the rest of them) when I'm drunk or bored or feeling particularly skinny that day, and he welcomes them.

Brett Favre - sending his junk all over the place to the likes of JENN STERGER. But hey, at least he reciprocated. Guys who only receive and don't send are even bigger assholes in the sense they are too afraid they'll end up like Grady Sizemore (who, by the way, gets my vote as best sexter because a.) they were to his girlfriend and b.) it's totally clear the dude put some serious thought into those pictures. That's the kind of equal commitment girls are looking for! I'd go see a Cleveland Indians game for him).

Ashley Cole went the same route. I mean, Cheryl Tweedy is a beautiful girl, with her own fame and money. Ashley blew it on what? Girls from random towns in England no one but the English have ever heard of, and their (more than likely) mediocre tit shots and "how hard are you right now" texts. I can mock because seriously, I have perfected the art of sexting. My sexts aren't like a lame Harlequin romance novel you buy in CVS. It's like Love in the Time of Cholera meets the Vicky Secrets Magazine via Blackberry. Truly a beautiful thing.

No I'm just messing, mine are probably just as bad and just as shameless. But I just feel for Eva, especially because Tony gives off that whole "i'm not like the rest of them" look. He just looks like a nice guy. He looks like he should be like, a kid doctor, not an athlete. But women who get involved with athletes need to be aware. They travel. They meet girls. And now, numbers aren't even necessary to text, so you can't even trace shit anymore. BBM Contacts, g-chat, aim, shit's all available on the phone and can be totally anonymous. At this point, all a guy has to do is bump your phone (no pun intended) and he's hooked up to potential sexting. It's an athlete epidemic because it was made to cater to guys who travel and don't have enough time or discretion to meet up in a hotel for a random bang.

Check the damn phone ladies. It's okay to ask your boyfriends and husbands "hey, who's "sexyfortonyparker97"? It may sound shady, but don't you think Eva and Cheryl and Brett Favre's wife (maybe not her) wish they checked out their husbands BBM chats a little bit earlier than they did?

PS - easily my favorite picture of Grady Sizemore. I don't drink coffee, and I would drink coffee just for this guy. Foldgers should get on him for marketing campaigns, seriously.

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