Sunday, November 28, 2010

E!'s Collection of Jersey Chasers

Got an e-mail tonight from Ada who asked my opinion on Kendra Wilkinson (former "Girls Next Door" "star", Playboy playmate and Hugh Hefner's "hey, my dick still works?!" meter reader) and Hank Baskett, Kendra's football playing hubby, who happens to be a little schizophrenic when it comes to teams. He's currently on the Vikings for the second time in his career, after the Colts? Or no, the Eagles released his ass in September. He's all up in the NFL unemployment line.

I watch the show Kendra every now and then. I admire her for coming out about the whole postpartum depression thing. A lot of people said she was a bitch because a lot of it definitely had to do with the fact that she went from being like a size -17 to being, to most women, "normal". I can relate to that because I'm a body person and I like feeling sexy. After having her body be an attraction and a focus for so long, it probably wasn't an easy change. So there, I'll give her some snaps.

If her husband is anything like he is in the show, I like him. I'm not super into football players, because I'm a tiny bitch and it's just a lot to take in (literally). But I definitely think he's a cutie and he seems like he actually gives a shit about her. There are loads of dudes in his position who treat girls like shit, and have that "naw man, I ain't playin' around" attitude that pisses me off. Hank doesn't seem to have it.

Maybe it's because his name is HANK. When I think Hank, I think King of the Hill. Simple. Down home. 1942, Rockford Illinois, farmers in overalls going to women's baseball games. I don't think bad ass wife cheater. So maybe it's working in his advantage.

As for her, ehh, sometimes I think she's funny, sometimes I'm like seriously lady? Why do you have so much money? For riding fossilized peen? Seriously?

I read her interview in whatever magazine about the first time she gang banged Hef. I obviously can't judge her because hi, I'm out here chatting about my vagina and those who've witnessed it's glory (kidding but not really). Should I judge her because her experiences were more...wrinkled than chiseled? No. But bitch has a shady past complete with drugs and whatnot, and me thinks she did what she did for money and not for anything else.

Same with the sex tape. Would have LOVED to have been a fly on the wall for that conversation with her husband. You know she guilted him about money. He was having issues sticking with a team, they have a kid, I think in one episode they talk about how to maintain a good life for their kid. 600k in the bank for releasing shit that was on film anyway? In one way I'm like fuck it, at least she took control of the situation and made out instead of letting someone fuck her and profit from it (literally and figuratively). However, I also am anti-personal fuck films (I once consistently banged a dude who worked for Barclays who wanted to quit his job and start a website that catered to people who were into exhibitionism and wanted to make online fuck films. And people say athletes are the fucked up ones? Really? Try bankers. They are a whole different breed of shady), so the old saying of "don't put on film what you don't want to remember" comes through here. At the end of the day, she's equal parts chick trying to secure the life she's come to know and famewhore who happened to get knocked up.
The whole split thing? I mean, I get it and I don't. I think if they break up, it will be on her shoulders, not his, and RARELY do I say that about a couple where the dude is an athlete. This girl is only a year older than me. A solid 25. I have friends who are 30 don't have kids or a husband or even a serious boyfriend, and that life is a lot to give up for a chick like Kendra. I mean, I personally fucking hate kids and that's why I eat birth control like it's crack, and I don't have her money and all that shit. I don't think she's ready to be settled down just yet, especially in some small town in like, minnesota or atlanta. She wants to party in LA, and she can if she gets a nanny like the rest of Hollywood. When I dated my two athletes, I basically went to the ends of the earth for them. I was moving to Canada to be with my baseball bf, giving up my life in New York, settling down, planning a family, buying a labrador. As for my laxer, I would have followed him anywhere and given up anything, particularly if a rock ever came from him. I couldn't imagine having a kid and living away from my husband.While I'm not into kids, there's something about family that can't be found via Skype. She "needs her own life"? She kind of gave that up when she got knocked up, and more so when she got hitched. And I just don't think she was ready. And I think if you see these two break up, it's going to be because she wants to be 25 and party her ass off like most 25 year olds do, let alone the Hollywood ones.

She is definitely a jersey chaser at heart. Chick was like the "sporty spice" of her grandpa fucking crew, and I would have been surprised had she not landed a dude that was in sports. She should have given bankers a chance though, she could have teamed up with Barclays kid and made both their dreams come true. Shame.

Kendra is also part of the list of E! bitch jersey chasers, though. You have Kim and Khloe Kardhasian over there as well. I have no idea what to think about Khloe's whole sitch. Like, bitch is Chyna's better looking sister (though she is the funniest of all of them, and the least dead behind the eyes in terms of personality), and Lamar Odum is know. He just is. Is he hot? No. Is he ugly? Not really. He just exists. And he wears a lakers uniform and he makes a fucking boatshit of cash. I don't really know what to think about this whole thing. I would bet more toward a divorce than 50 years of happiness and growing old together...I feel like this is too much of a novelty for Khloe. But I've been proven wrong before. Only 48 more years to go to find out.

As for Kim, she's wracking up points in the Jersey Chaser game. Reggie Bush, Miles Austin? She may stick to one sport but at least she goes good looking. I happen to think Reggie Bush is VERY good looking, however, my lovely insiders who have interviewed him have told me not only is he a dick in terms of not blowing off interviews, he also has the worst case of halitosis (stinky ballsac breath, for you readers of limited vocabulary) known to man kind. Shame.

Miles Austin is a hottie as well in my opinion, in that like, weird features put together well way. His eyes, obviously, he has big dumbo ears which I kind of think is cute. He fucked up in the game in Thanksgiving and the Cowboys have been blowing ballsac this season, but seriously, if I had standards in terms of a guy being bangable based on his team's record, hockey dude would have been fucked (or, not so much) last year. As would my laxer ex boyfriend. So yeah, I put the focus on personal talent, not group efforts.

I would be surprised if Kim didn't end up with a football star. It seems to be her thing. And we all have things. Though apparently she was rumored to have boned John Mayer, and he is like, the polar opposite of an athlete. So maybe she's branching out. BITCH DON'T DO IT. Jersey chasing is the bomb! And you have the fucking knockers to pull it off! If you're not going to use them to get a championship winning husband, DONATE THEM TO SOMEONE WHO NEEDS THEM AND WOULD USE THEM CORRECTLY. Like me!

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