The last two weeks have been super interesting for me. Lots of stress related weight loss and ODing on Xanax, but lots of proud moments and highs I've not had in my life for a while. And when someone accused me of "cheating the writing system" by going anonymous, I was kind of pissed.
I didn't know where the blog was going to go. All this was a big set up to hopefully get my book noticed. But if it failed, if it didn't work and I went back to being good ol' bartending fucker who likes to bang athletes on the side, I was scared there would be repercussions. What if I decided I wanted to be a financial analyst in ten years? What if I wanted to go to law school or be a doctor? I was being told no one would ever think of hiring me because of the "sexual scandals" (apparently banging people is considered scandalous, who knew?) I put out there for public consumption. I might throw opportunities away all for a blog and a book deal that could possibly end up being an epic fail.
Then I came to my fucking senses and realized some things. Like, one, I got a D+ in ECON201 and the only reason I even passed was my TA was a moron and when I took the exam early, he stapled the answer key to my test (no joke). I could single handedly cause the next financial crisis. The smell of hospitals makes me sick, and if someone came in to a hospital with a broken leg, I'd throw bandaids at them and cover my eyes. And I'd probably have to take the bar like, 30 times and I'd end up living in the only state that passed me, which would probably be like, Wyoming, and I'd hate my life.
These realizations helped, a lot. So did my friends and family. I mean it when I said I'm not ashamed of the shit I say on here, and that I'm proud of the shit I've done, or rather, the things I've learned from the shit I've done. I like my writing style, I like to think at least a handful of people have chuckled once or twice since the site went up, and if they didn't, fuck, at least I laughed while rehashing the stories. And considering my name's been tagged to this shit anyway (again, ladies, you should either sign up for the FBI or that show "The Locator" or be committed), I'd rather own up to it in my own way and say fuck you all, this is me. And THEN let you all tear me to shreds on the internet ;).
Yep, my name is Stefanie, and yep I went to the University of Maryland. Yep, I grew up and still live in New York. I'm 24, and this is my life. You don't like it, that's totally fucking cool. But trust me when I say, I'm not too concerned. The people who matter in my life, they're cool with the whole thing and they laugh with me. (I literally feel like a gay dude coming out in public right now). It's so easy to say shit with the word "anonymous" tagged to it. It's a lot harder to post shit and stand behind it, particularly when it's taboo or controversial. So if nothing else, I'm owning up to my own shit and my own thoughts, which is a lot more than I can say for half the fuckers who send me hate mail.
I ask one thing and one thing alone that I know will be totally ignored but I figured I'd throw it out there. If you wanna Facebook stalk me, that's fine, I'm putting myself out there and it's part of the game. I refuse to "hide" my profile. My profile has been on Facebook since my first night at Maryland, August 28th, 2004. I'm not about to hide that shit, nor do I feel like I have anything to "hide" from. But do me a favor fuckers - don't add me. If I don't know you, clearly I'm not going to accept you and let you dig through all my embarrassing drunk photos from college. And I'd prefer it if my Blackberry didn't freeze (I have the Storm, shit is totally not functional) every ten minutes from Facebook updates. Eventually, if things keep going the way they've been going, I'll make a public Facebook page and you guys can tear that one apart too, but I'm not going to be so egotistical that I think right now I NEED an extra FB page, only to create one and end up with like, 3 friends, one of whom will DEFINITELY be my mom. Seriously. I think I've done my very best to interact with you guys as much as I can, especially when it comes to answering e-mails, so right now, I'd like to keep my Facebook life and my blog life a little bit separated if that's cool. And if it's not, too fucking back, that's the way it is.
WIll try to get some new posts up tonight, I have like 7 saved in drafts but have yet to finish them and my stomach is so full right now all I want to do is sleep. But rest assured I'm home tomorrow and seeing as my social life is far from extravagant at the moment, I'll probably be on here all day. Awesome.
Take it easy kiddos.