Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Talk about Tardy to the Fucking Party?!

Ok, my sister loves ALL shows on Bravo, particularly the "Real Housewives of whatever fucked up town you live in" ones. I never got into them. I get frustrated too easily and women that inject balloons into their faces and fuck little dirty Italian men in order to buy gaudy ass houses and then go bankrupt and ruin the country's economy, that whole thing isn't for me. Top Chef? YES. This shit? Fuck no.

When I go visit my sister sometimes, she forces me to watch it, assuring me one of the chicks on the Atlanta one is actually like, a self made millionaire and produces songs or some shit. Who the fuck knows. But Kim Zolciak (had to Google her last name), she pisses me off. Bitch wants to be all Britney Spears and "a real artist" and shit. WOMAN, PLEASE. I may choose to embarrass my own ass on this site, but at least I control the embarrassment and own up to it. You? You're putting your God awful music out there and then professing what a fucking hit it is. GAY PEOPLE MAKE FUN OF YOUR MUSIC, and gay guys listen to ANYTHING that has a beat! My God!

Needless to say, apparently this chick is now impregnated (good to know these women continue to populate the earth with stupidity, as she already has 2 kids) with Kroy Biermann's, a defensive end of the Atlanta Falcons, baby.

I didn't even know these two were dating? I thought real housewives only date/marry asshole balding banker men who are shorter than them and probably going to die soon, or get DUIs and then try to use "being Italian" to get out of it? My sister claims in the show she had been dating some secret "Mr. Big" type sugar daddy. How'd she land this piece?

Holy fuck, another little tid bit of info I didn't know and just found out from Google. BITCH IS ONLY 32?!?! There is no fucking way she is only 8 years older than me. She looks at least 42. AT LEAST. Like, she looks weathered. My sister is 32 and she looks ten years younger than this chick. And Biermann is only 25. He was drafted two years ago, oh God, poor kid. His career is just starting and for the rest of his football life he is going to have some dude on his team randomly play "Tardy for the Party" in the locker room. And when he makes a bad play in another stadium, people are just going to starting chanting "tardy for the party". Or he's gonna have teammates make a joke about how his condom was "tardy for the party". Or how he is going to be a real househusband. Or how he's banging a living, breathing blow up doll. He's from Montana, dude clearly had no idea what was going on there. I seriously kind of feel bad.

If they get married, fucker better sign a prenup and QUICK. These ladies (wrong word but I'll go with it) have a tendency of keeping a stack of Chapter 7 filing papers handy at all times. Guaranteed this bitch is tardy to the "file your taxes" party.

The best though is the quote they gave to Life & Style Magazine. Or rather, she gave to L&S:

“I was surprised! While it wasn’t planned, God clearly has a bigger and better plan for us and we’re excited.”

God? God clearly has bigger and better plans for us? I'm sorry, I don't do God, but if there is a God, somehow I doubt he's taken the time from dealing with the whole war in the Middle East, AIDS in Africa, Cholera epidemic in Haiti and Ireland and Greece's financial downfalls situation to stop and say "Hold up starving children in the Sudan, hold up 7 year old child dying of cancer - Oh, hey, Kim Zolciak? I TOTALLY love RHoA! So much better than RHoNJ. That Theresa was a bitch. Instead of giving her a Grammy award for that awesome song, I'm just going to give her a baby.". Yeah, I'm sure God has some real big fucking plans for you lady. They include bankruptcy, a book scandal about how you once sold your pussy for coke, and more than likely some shitty story about a DUI and an abusive relationship. Good luck with that.






















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