Thursday, November 18, 2010

Teammates Share Everything!

Like I said, I managed the men’s’ lacrosse team when I was in college, and I can’t lie, it was one of the best parts of my four years there. Sure, the rumors and descriptions of lacrosse players are entirely true – assholes who more often than not have a lot of money and zero accountability. But they were also the big brothers I never had. Brothers with whom I happened to have incestuous relationships with.

Surprisingly, I only slept with three guys on a team of about forty. And the third guy came years after college, so he didn’t even really count. But I did get drunk and roll around naked with a lot of them. And none of them seemed to care about the others.

“Hey, are you with Ryan?” one guy I had hooked up with two weeks previous text me as I struggled to pull my shirt on in the dorm room of one of the freshman middies.

“Um, yeah,” I text back. “Why?”

“When you’re done boning, tell him I need my 157 text book.”

“Uh, okay?”

“Is he as big as me?”

“Not talking about it,” I said.

“I’ll find out at practice tomorrow anyway. Don’t forget about the text book.”


I've been saying it since I was in college - teammates share everything. Jocks, sticks, mitts, clothes, condoms, hookers, dip, cars, and now, wives!

Originally, I assumed Tony Parker was banging BBM contacts with some random hussey like myself who chased his tall french jersey for a while. I was waiting to see a Tiger Woods-esque broad come crawling out of the STD ridden wood work, but a whole new twist was revealed when my friend from Sports Illustrated dropped the bomb on me earlier today that Tony was banging a teammate's wife. Keepin' it all in the family, I like your style, Tony.

Apparently, Tony, who plays for the San Antonio Spurs (three seconds and a pat on the back if you could point out San Antonio on a map, because it took me like, five seconds to even remember what state it's in), has been passing balls to former Spurs teammate Brent Barry's wife, Erin. I bet Brent is thrilled that she at least didn't fuck a dude on a rival team. Small victories.

Personally, I don't see the draw. Erin Barry (who will more than likely be reverting back to her maiden name within the next few months) reminds me of Teri Hatcher when she was on The New Adventures of Lois and Clark. Or a less plastic surgery traumatized Lisa Rinna. Point being, bitch better have had her c-section scar (yes, those two have a kid) removed and give some good head, because unless Eva is a huge frigid bitch who only likes to bang in the missionary style on Sundays, I can't see a dude like Tony Parker throwing that shit away on 1990's Teri Hatcher. It's not like he's hot. He's 28 and he looks 45. Plus, he's French. He probably is a terrible tipper and a snooty son of a bitch who smokes at Christenings (not that I have experience with those sorts of things......). I wouldn't sleep with him, and that's saying a lot.

Way to go, Tony Parker, on being the worst teammate in the history of sports. When Barry said go to the hole, he didn't mean HIS WIFE'S.


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