Wednesday, November 24, 2010

These Are a Few of My Favorite Things...

Someone asked me what my favorite thing about athletes is. Kind of a broad question, but let's see what I come up with.

In terms of sex? Best part is generally their bodies. There's been like two or three athletes I've hooked up with who have had mediocre to bad bodies, and it's a rarity (of course I find the ones who have weird bodies. One dude had uneven nipples, so sketch, another was like a skinny fat guy, if you can picture what I'm saying (and I know you can), which sucked). But for the most part, the bodies have been insanely hot. I mean, think of it this way - the higher the endurance level needed to compete, the better the body. The sex could be horrible, and sometimes it really was, but staring at the dude's body can make it better. In college my freshman year, I hooked up with this laxer who was um.... less than attractive, let's just be nice. And when we fucked, I used to stare at his shoulders, because he had the hottest upper body ever. It was perfect. But if you went like, four inches north you'd see droopy dog eyes and a drunk mouth hanging open and I'd dry up faster than a fucking pond in the Sudan. Terrible.

The stories have been awesome too. There's something about seeing a dude play on ESPN after you bangedm that makes it kind of like...I did that? Sick...pathetic, yes, but it makes it more entertaining. The Olympics and the World Cup were way more fun this year than they have been in previous.

In terms of everything else? It solely depends on the individual athlete. My favorite thing about dating a dude who played for the Yanks minor league was the inside info I got. I loved going down to spring training in Tampa (most of the time), I loved hanging out with the guys who I thought were the future of the Yanks, I loved going to games and yes, I was that cheeseball girlfriend who went and watched practice games. Best story ever, when I was 20 I was down in Tampa and I was walking up the wooden bleachers to say hey to my ex-boyfriend's mom, who was also visiting. I was wearing a jean skirt because in 2006, jean skirts were cool. Slipped between the top most bleacher, ate shit and sliced my leg. Not cut, but bruised. Two days later my mom asked me if my then boyfriend had beaten me. Literally looked like someone had taken a baseball bat to my thigh. Good times.

Favorite thing about hooking up with hockey dudes? The drinking. There is something about a sport made up entirely of Canadians from the outskirts of the continent that makes it entirely interesting and drunk. I was ALWAYS drunk when I was with the hockey player. Always. On the cheapest, worst alcohol. LIke, bottom shelf vodka and Goldshlager. Shit I wouldn't use to clear my nail polish. I was always partying in the most extreme ways with these guys. Of all the sex I had with my hockey dude, I probably soberly remember like, 2% of it. I'd basically wake up and be like "welp, I'm wearing underwear, God knows I wouldn't have been sober enough to figure out how to put those bitches back on, guess I didn't get laid last night".

Lacrosse? Lacrosse has a soft spot in my heart, always will. Some of my best friends are lacrosse players (I sound like one of those asshole anti gay people who are always like "I hate the gays, but that doesn't mean I'm a bad person, I have lots of gay friends"). I had two teams in college, my own college and my college boyfriend's college. Two very different teams and two very different experiences, but both a good time. I had lots of interesting sex with lacrosse players. Like, probably some of the most random "did I just have sex or did I just invent something?" kinds of sex. All the time. ALL, THE, TIME. I used to go home on my lunch breaks from work the summer after I graduated and have sex in the hallway of my apartment because it took too long to get into the apartment itself. Like, this was lacrosse for me. Drunken penises and cheap sex that generally always led to almost getting arrested. And sweatshirts, I always stole their sweatshirts.

Soccer. The bodies are insane, and the guys are actually some of the funniest I've chilled with, which is why I think I keep ending up back there time and again. Also, it's pretty obvious that soccer dudes, as I've said before, are definitely the hottest lot of athletes. It's just good grooming and a European feel. But yeah, definitely the hottest bodies ever. There is not one soccer player who is out of shape. Even Landon Donovan has a good body. Cut off his head and like, stretch him out another 6 inches and if you just showed me a picture of his body I'd probably concede to banging him. Too bad there's no such thing as magic.

1 comment:

  1. Thats great. I would totally love to hear some stories about you banging in the hallways, lol. Thats awesome.

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