Monday, November 29, 2010

We No Speak No Americano

Alright, so Melissa had a question last night regarding my aversion to TOEFL athletes. AKA dudes who aren't native English speakers (why do I feel like that is the unPC term? Oh well, going with it).

Part of me thinks it had to do with my education. I don't mean that in a snobby way, at all. I mean that in an "English has always been the main focus of my education from age 5" and "I had to take intermediate French twice" way. Language is one of those things that doesn't register in my head. I took French for, collectively, six years, and I can say maybe like, a handful of complete sentences like "where is my dog" and "I have three people in my family". And because I was an English major, I put emphasis on the way people speak. I am a snob in that sense, which is weird because all I do on here is curse like a fucking sailor. But in person, I'm a big grammar person and I correct people when they say good instead of well. It physically hurts my ears.

So for me, the whole broken English thing was never attractive. Especially French. Spanish, to me, always sounds very high all the dudes I work with at my bar, the barbacks and stuff, I love them, but I feel like if they were speaking English, they'd have a deeper voice. It has to do with pronunciations and annunciations and shit I think. I've met a few soccer dudes who spoke French and Spanish as a first language, and while they were hot, and bangable since I think "do you want to fuck" is universal, the idea of dating them long term and dealing with that barrier all the time is so unappealing to me.

However, Melissa also asked if there are any athletes I'd make the exception for, and obviously there are a few.

Iker Casillas has been mentioned on here before. He's the goalie for the Spanish national team, so he has a World Cup under his belt. He also plays professional for Real Madrid in La Liga. He's a total hottie and I'd definitely take some lessons from my barback to make that shit work out.

Kévin Gameiro is also another one. He's French (ugh) and plays soccer for the French national team, who sucked balls this summer in South Africa. He reminds me of a guy I used to have something for on the US team, a little bit. I think it's because he looks young. He plays in Ligue 1 for FC Lorient. He's a total hottie, albeit a creepily young looking one, and he actually has that all American boy look going on. I still have my tenth grade regent study guide for French in my closet. I could totally work out an entire conversation pre-boning this kid. Voulez-vous le boeuf? Vous aiment une bière? Pouvons-nous avoir le sexe? I GOT IT.

Francois Beauchemin is a defenseman for the Toronto Mapleleafs. Straight outta QC which means he speaks French and has a snooty fucking attitude (sorry dudes, I lost my luggage in Montreal once and those bitches couldn't have been more unfriendly or less helpful so I judge). But I'd still bang him. He also looks REALLY hot in full uniform. Not in uni, ehhh.. But he is also the alternate captain which means he has some kind of credibility when it comes to his skills. I'd go there, I admit it.

Surprised I wouldn't do the Christiano's of the world? I don't do the Euro thing. I don't do the questionable sexuality thing either. Any dude who spends more time grooming his hair, waxing parts of his body, and wearing tighter clothes than me, is not my style, however "hot" he may be. Ronaldo is too pretty. I need a little bit of manliness.

I definitely have a few more I could name, but in light of the fact I have to head out to work, I'll leave it here for now. Bonsoir bitches.


  1. If you are going to correct people, you may as well use QC, which at least refers to an actual province. The only QB I know of is the position....

  2. ha, well played anon, had QB in my mind from an earlier post ;)

  3. Way to own that good grammar shit, I do it all the time and my friends hate it

  4. Wait, you boast about being an English major and yet you have no idea about proper comma usage in sentences? It physically hurts my eyes to read so many ill placed commas in one sentence. Please, step away from the commas. Furthermore, how on Earth do you get turned off by European accents but are seemingly OK with Canadian ones while in the throws of ecstasy? At least accents from European countries tend to make one sound somewhat erudite and well versed. Guys with Canadian accents sound like drunken hobos with a mouth full of bratwursts.

  5. your boy, Casillas, got lit up today (5-0)! You may want to reconsider your choice - perhaps with a former D1 collegiate soccer player like myself... Just sayin' :)

  6. I'm a little weak with my comma usage, I apologize. If you notice I also have word issues on here too, where I'm thinking one word but type another. Shitty habit. Also, I don't boast about being an English major - nothing there to boast about. My pet peeves are obviously more on the verbal speaking side of language, not the textual side ha.

    I KNOW! Barcelona murdered them. That last goal was so weak too. He looked spent. Still hot though. I'd bang him.

  7. @Anon
    You clearly haven't been to Canada then have you? We still pronounce most words correctly unlike our so so so eloquent cousins to our south.

  8. Also, Anon, where'd ya play D1? I've banged around with a college soccer hottie or 2 in my day.

  9. I need to make a profile on here I guess as I posted a few times (e.g., where is LD post, request for pics and FB). As far as D1 soccer, I'll just say in the Midwest (not ACC like you) guess is that I may know a few of your soccer contacts at least within a contact or two link. I like your style and really enjoyed your article (not in this blog) concerning your childhood home area, father, and lax scandal - very well thought out and written. Especially appealing to me as I went to law school at the scandal site. And no, I'm not a typical law school tool - don't hold that against me!