Friday, December 3, 2010

Bad Sex? With an Athlete? Nahh, Couldn't Be...

Actually, as a matter of fuck, there has been sooo so much bad sex with athletes that it's a wonder I kept it up so many years. Here are the worst of the worst:

Most painful - Comes down to two - Wally, the first laxer I fucked in college, who's penis was the size of my left leg. I tried multiple positions in order to ease the whole "mother of God I'm getting impaled" and "i think I can feel his dick in my throat" feelings. No avail, had to suck that one up and walk like an idiot for a day. The other would be a baseballer who had an um...unusual situation...long story short, the key and the lock just didn't fucking add up correctly and for like two years I was completely not capable of peeing because his dick was hitting all the wrong things when we fucked. It was like having a UTI for 2 straight fucking years, but no medications could make it go away permanently. Doctors had NO idea what was going on, I went to like 27 specialists, my health insurance provider must have gone bankrupt. Then, my last specialist asked me an honest question about um...compatibility and shit and I answered honestly because at this point I had been poked, prodded and examined by more doctors that I didn't have any shame, and when he explained that it could be the cause, I was like ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME. I couldn't have sex with the dude. It hurt too bad, during and after. I remember the first time I had sex after we broke up, I was nervous as fuck, particularly because the other due was larger than normal. But no problems whatsoever. So yeah, those two were the most painful. And no, since then, no problems in that department, thank fucking Jeebus.

Worst in terms of "what the fuck is the point of this?" - A college laxer post grad. I met him at my friends birthday, they went to college together. We got shitfaced, and he was apparently totally fucked up on coke (I don't do drugs so if someone is fucked up on shit I just assume they are shitfaced on booze because I'm totally inexperienced), and basically, so have you ever seen the Collin Farrell sex tape? Where he's all doped up on coke and having a fucking in depth conversation with himself? Yeah, that was this. "...." = thrusts, by the way, just for a reference.

"I....can't...believe....we're....doing...this....I.....thought....about it.....all....night....but....I never.....thought....it....was.....going....to....happen....you.....looked so......good....and.....you.....were.....talking....to....that other.....guy....and I just thought......you....wanted....him.....but.....now....I'm fucking.....you....and....it....feels-"

Dude, I'm here to bang, not to explore our feelings, alright? Jesus fucking Christ, what happened to the day and age where a girl could get fucked without having to talk to to the guy?! My GOD! Anyway, I just stared at him while he was on top of me, trying to figure out if he was going to like, slit my throat after he admitted he loved me or something. He couldn't finish, which was not shocking, but yeah. Terrible, terrible sex.

Worst in terms of "I can think of 30 other things I wish I were doing right now?" - I had sex with a Georgetown football player (does that even count?), and it was like straight outta that scene in Forgetting Sarah Marshall where he fucks that chick he meets in the club then rolls over and starts crying and thinking of his ex-girlfriend. Yeah, had that too. We bang, I'm not super attracted to him but I'm trying to get over my ex-boyfriend, I realize he has freckles and ugly boxer briefs and he's like, on the cusp of being a ginge, and after he goes into the bathroom and I roll over HYSTERICALLY crying (drunk, obviously). He came out and goes "Jesus Christ, are you okay?" and instead of copping to the fact that I was thinking of another dude THE WHOLE FUCKING TIME, I stroked the dudes ginger ego by saying "yeah, you're just so big and I'm not used to it, it hurt a little, but felt good". LIES. LIES. See dudes, the things women fucking do to make sure your egos don't get bruised. Fuck, I'm a good person. ;)

7 comments:

  1. Wow, you are such a whore. And you are actually proud of it, as though it was some sort of an accomplishment...sooo sad....

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  2. Must be easy calling people names anonymously, eh? Realllllly takes some serious balls.I never said it was an accomplishment - but it got your attention, thanks for the extra boost in ratings. I'll remember you fondly when my book hits the 3 million mark and I'm doing well for myself and you...you're anonymously insulting people you've never met. Good times, you really must have a life.

    Thanks for stopping by.

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  3. Also, it's "as if it were" you grammatically challenged fuck. I may be a whore but at least I passed freshman level English.

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  4. Honestly, I wasn't trying to attack or insult you. I just feel very sorry for you. It must feel very empty to be a cum dumpster for a bunch of males who are just using you for the wet holes on your body.

    I also pity you for thinking that whoring yourself out is all good in the end, as long as you make lots of money ("...when my book hits the 3 million mark and I'm 'doing well' for myself...."). If that is your belief, why don't you just go straight into the porn business? You are certainly physically attractive enough to 'do quite well for yourself', and your road to financial 'success' would certainly be much shorter, and certain.

    I sincerely hope you find the wisdom, sooner rather than later, that helps you to understand that money --or fame, for that matter-- won't buy you happiness, integrity, self-respect, or inner peace. Please have some self-respect and don't just give it up to any ol' guy who happens to have a boner, and is in close proximity at the time. You will feel much better about yourself in the long run, and you will have a much better chance of getting married. Like it or not, most men don't want to marry a woman who's been screwed by so many guys she can't even recall all of their names. He doesn't want to see other guys snicker everywhere he goes with you, because they are nudging their friend and telling them that they banged you, or that half the baseball team did, as well. Generally, things lose their value the more attainable they are. If roads were paved in diamonds nobody would want them on their finger. Truly good guys, who like you for who you are as a person, will want to date you, and will be willing to wait to have sex with you. If they won't wait, then they don't care about you as they should. Love, and a healthy relationship, are both about respect. Making guys wait is a GREAT way to weed out the bad ones. The good ones will stick around--trust me.

    But hey, you never asked for my advice, or input, so just do as you like. Despite how things may seem, I am only trying to help. Sure, I suppose there are much better ways I could have said things, and been more couth, but I still meant well.

    My grammar may not be perfect, but my level of intelligence is still much more than adequate, thank you very much. Also, you may want to check your own grammar before you go around ripping on others for the same. Do you really think one couldn't find plenty of errors in all of your little blogs?

    As for my anonymity, I would have no problem in telling you all that I have written to your face, if that were practical. You should seriously think twice about telling the whole world all of your personal business, in very graphic detail. If you ever find yourself having to look for employment as something other than a waitress, bar tender, or stripper, in the way that most people do, all of this could come back to haunt you in a very bad way. Have you ever even thought about that? You might want to.

    Best of luck to you.

    -Anonymous

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  5. Cum dumpster. What an original insult. What a way to hurt a girl - tell her she isn't wanted by the guys who fuck her. What an original thought.

    Why is only the guys that get the satisfaction? Have you read ANY of the blog? I like sex. I enjoy sex, and if I want to have it, I'm not going to worry about a guy being self conscious over other fuckers "snickering". If a guy has fucked 50 girls or 5, it won't matter to me if he's a good guy and loves me, and the same should go for my guy. I'm not desperate for marriage, and perhaps you should get out of the old school way of thinking that all women should cater to what MEN want and worry about what MEN want and worry about marriage. Scaring me by saying "no one wants to marry you" is pathetic.

    You should seriously read the whole blog dude, because your arguments prove you haven't done enough research on me to know my situation - I don't fuck for money. But I happen to be, in my humble opinion, a fucking good writer with a good idea and my money and success will come from my talent. The sex is secondary. And there's a reason people are interested. I never fucked for money - but I have no problem using what I've learned in my sex life to tell some funny stories and give some advice. If no one ever fucked, there'd be no books on the subjects and women would still be asking what an orgasm is.

    There are loads of errors in my blog - but if I was being a self righteous pain in the ass, anonymously no less because I don't have the balls to insult someone without the protection of computer anonymity to cover my ass, I'd at least try and say what I wanted to say correctly.

    Oh no, i NEVER thought about that! I never put ANY consideration into ANY of this! My God, you are the light that's now guiding me! Please, tell me more, I'm just a poor woman with no brains and no ability to think for myself or consider consequences! I never thought of ANY of that, worried about ANY of that! God, you must be really smart because you just think of EVERYTHING, don't you? Fuck off dude - you have NO idea, not ONE idea of what I've been through, gone through, thought of, put on the line, or lost because of this book - and to me, it has been MORE than worth it. I don't want to sit behind a cubicle for the rest of my life. I don't want to be a lawyer or a doctor or a fucking financial analyst. Again, I suggest you read some older posts that cover this.

    You are a very sad little person (self conscious man or jealous woman?) with no fucking life other than to tell people what they are doing wrong in order to ignore your own short comings. I love my life, I've had an amazing life, and I wouldn't trade any of it for anything. I am not afraid of what men (or women) will think of me - I don't do shit because of what other people think. I do it for myself.

    You're more than welcome to continue to comment on the board, but I suggest before you do so, you actually READ the board before you make such ridiculous statements like you did in this post. I will not continue to answer questions that have already been answered in depth in different posts because you're too fucking lazy to read the blog. You wanna shoot your mouth off about whores and sluts and your pity, which I do not need, go find another fucking board where people actually give a shit.

    I am NOT going to block you from commenting - but if it's repetitive bullshit that shows you didn't take the time to even construct a valid argument because you didn't read a different post, it won't get posted. This blog isn't here for you to insult me (or anyone else) in an uninformed, uneducated manner. Stop wasting time, dude. I don't cater to anyone, let alone people who don't even put the time or the effort in to make a valid argument. You want to be all self righteous and all knowing, go find a fucking church and join it.

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  6. PS - based on your posting time, you're either an east coaster with a serious case of insomnia or a stripper-like work schedule, a west coaster or a European. Would love to assume you might be the GF of one of the guys I've fucked on the regular. She seems a little unable to come to terms with reality, just like you....food for thought.

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  7. Do any of the commentators really think that GUYS don't think like this? And how does it feel, after a lifetime of men short-sheeting women, to get it thrown back in your face?

    It would be funny if it weren't so pathetic; waving around puritan morals. You sound like a bunch of old women (who are illiterate BW)

    I am a very good looking woman; I do lots of volunteer work (do you?) I have attended 3 universities, speak 2 languages, have saved the lives of at least 2 people, and have fucked the equivalent of 2 busloads of men. I'd do it again in a heartbeat.

    I like men. I like sex. And I like spreading a little joy around, thankyou

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