Thursday, December 9, 2010

Because this TOTALLY isn't a TMI conversation....

Had a really, really fucking funny (okay it wasn't that funny but it's early and I'm tired) e-mail asking if I shave, wax, or go natural, and what I think athletes prefer. Part of me says "don't answer this, no one will ever hire you again if you don't become an author", and part of me says "how long have you been waiting to tell this kind of story?". So since I have absolutely no shame (or dignity, clearly), we're going with the latter.

I don't do the natural thing. Bushes skeeve me. I haven't had one since I was like, 16. Vile. I don't even know how people have them, it would itch the FUCK out of me in underwear. So no, I don't do the natural shit.

In college once, I had to have an intervention with a roomie because she hooked up with a dude who was friends of our other friends in a frat and he bailed on her and she didn't understand why. Til me and my other roommates found out she had a fucking amazon bush. So we had this super awkward conversation one day when she came in from classes and we were all at the table in the kitchen in our apartment and it was all "SO, T, WHAT DO YOU DO? DO YOU SHAVE, OR DO YOU WAX?" Like screaming and very staccato and totally fucking obvious. Good times.

Anyway, no bush for Stef. As for shaving or waxing? I maintain a very nice, clean nether region, and I do so by shaving. I wax only on special occasions. The first time I got waxed was when I first starting seeing my laxer ex boyfriend, and I wanted to like, "impress him". I remember laying on the table, I took like 5 Advil, and about ten minutes in I asked the Portuguese lady if she had ever had anyone quit midway through. She said no and that she wasn't about to start having that happen. MISERY. I was gripping a towel. I have such a low threshold for pain. My best friend can play Brickbreaker while getting her's done. Meanwhile I basically go into heart failure. Good shit.

After we broke up, I wasn't spending a total of $86 bucks (that includes tip, I'm sorry, someone who isn't a dude who is staring at my vagina through a fucking magnifying glass deserves a God damn good tip, no matter how pretty I think my down there is) so I could enjoy a bald vagina with a vibrator. Sorry. So now it's been for special occasions. I got one for a soccer dude once and he bailed and tried to fuck my best friend, so I was pretty pissed and I ended up hooking up with his roommate, so at least SOMEONE got to witness that shit. And if I ever get a solid boyfriend again (I mean, after this post let's not get our hopes up), if I think he's worth it he'll get the treatment as well. But yeah, for now, for my own personal comfort, I shave and save cash.

As for what I think athletes like better. I think that's all on the athlete. I have never once had a dude complain about the hairless situation. And let's be real, if dude complained, he's a fucking moron or he's GAY. But yeah, no complaints, a lot of compliments. However, I have had three athletes - 1 soccer, 1 laxer and 1 baseballer - request a landing strip. I'm not that accommodating, plus that shit takes a while to grow out, so they never got their wish. But for some reason, I'd assume porn, dude's like the landing strip the best. That's my gut. Do I think dudes like the natural bush? Uh, no. I had an athlete dude once tell me about a girl he was banging before me (great conversations I have right?) who had a bush, and her bush broke the condom like 4 times and she wasn't on the pill and she had to get plan B. Dude probably made the poor girl fucking sterile. So I don't think dudes are into the whole curly q's ladies. Just a hunch. Any guys wish to disagree, by all means, do discuss.

And now you know way, way, way too much information about me way too early in the morning.

Here's a fabulous video that I thought went along really well with the post. Enjoy.

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