Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Cheaters. I mean, come up with a wittier subject, it's pretty fucking basic

Alright, so, Courtney e-mailed me tonight and asked why I think athlete fuckers get married in the prime of their careers and then tend to fuck around later on and sometimes get horribly blown the fuck up about it later on. Fabulous questions, if I knew the answer I'd be a fucking millionaire. But let's speculate, shall we?, Yes, let's.

I have several theories about this whole situation. Let's start with what I've witnessed.

A.) I've never (to my knowledge, and I'm pretty fucking thorough in terms of stalking) been cheated on.

B.) I have witnessed a blatant lie told in order for a well known athlete to get some ass. Dude was married and a dad.

C.) A lot of this comes from my own thoughts of the typical, well know cheating scandals - Tiger, Rooney, Beckham, A-Rod, that shit.

Alright, so, here's theory number one, depending on the situation. Say, dude is a standout star in high school. He lives in Bublefuck Missouri and goes to a high school with a graduating class of like, 80. He probably has a girlfriend, and a hot one in terms of Bumblefuck Missouri town standards. He stays with said girlfriend all through high school, probably loses his virginity to her in the back of a car with cheap box wine, and has gotten in one fight for flirting with another cheerleader. Applies for college, too.

Dude later gets the number one draft pick for say, the NFL or MLB. Dude ends up far away from his now probably nurse in hospital in "big" city near Bumblefuck Missouri, and there are a lot of chicks who see the potential in this guy's situation. Give a guy a million bucks, a uniform and some kind of athletic equipment, and he gets exponentially hotter in the eyes of like, 85% of women.

Dude gets pulled up, gets good, and marries said chick because she has spent every penny of money she has on Southwest flights and layovers just to spend weekends and breaks in a shitty apartment before the dude gets famous and has, in theory, proven she isn't in it for money.

Biggest problem of this whole fucking scenario? The limited amount of sex and the absolute boredom one will hit once they get to maybe 24, 25 years old only having fucked one person. Again, there are people who stay with one person their whole life, or wait until marriage, but since that's not my deal, I'm going to just go with what I know. If I was still fucking the first guy I banged back in 11th grade, I'd probably hate my vagina, and guess what, that bitch would hate me too, and rightfully so. Shit's changed over the last 7 years, and while I still might be an immature asshole with an affinity for athletes, it's just not the same as it was at 17.

You bang someone from 16-24, and guess what, either you've tried everything, or you're stuck in missionary. And if it's the former, it loses it's appeal, whether it's the dirtiest porn move ever, anal, facials, you keep doing it with the same fucking person and NEVER having experienced anyone else, it's going to lose it's novelty. If it's the latter, then there are a whole load of bitches in the world willing to let a guy do whatever he likes just so she can say "i fucked this guy on this team". Suddenly just putting his penis in a vagina seems like childsplay. She's willing to fuck in this position, let me pull out and blow on her face? People actually do that?

Fucker gets a big signing bonus, he ends up on a good team, he has a good season, suddenly the cornbread cheerleader and former homecoming queen from Bumblefuck Missouri is nothing that great next to the model he met on the red carpet or the after party, or the friend of a friend who is an up and coming actress. Or, worse, nothing next to the little blonde chick with huge tits who was sitting on the first base line who looks like she sucks a good cock and won't call again.

When I was dating my ex baseballer, I'd go visit him at Spring Training. And there was a dude who lived with him who, at the time was on his team (now he's up in the bigs on another team). And he was pretty hot, like, typical southern, blond hair, he wore cowboy boots, had a twang. And I got to Tampa before his girlfriend did. And he banged a chick a night or two before her and five of her down home, southern bell friends came to see him, justifying it to us the next morning by saying "well she fucked around on me when we broke up for a while, plus I didn't cum inside her". Girl comes don, all holy fucking roller and dotes on her boyfriend like he is the second coming on Jesus Christ. The girls, they all talk about how great they are together. Now they're married and I wonder if he's changed, or if he got it out of him. Regardless, would I be thrilled to find out my now husband was fucking around on me as early as a year before he proposed, justifying it because he didn't blow inside her? Not so much. And I mean, girl was pretty hot, typical southern blonde with pearls and all that shit. But she wasn't as hot as the (typical) Floridian cocktail waitress with the huge fake tits, bad extensions and mouth that definitely has sucked enough cocks to know how to work a dick.

This is like Wayne Rooney. Wayne and Coleen started dating at 16. Got married at 22. And then she was pregnant and he paid hookers for sex. Would I ever, EVER justify a dude cheating on his pregnant wife, let alone PAYING to do so? Absolutely not. But am I shocked? Fuck no. Dude's been banging the same, for all intent and purposes mediocre looking chick for like, 10 years. And now she's going to have that post baby body, and he could have any chick in England. I mean, unfortunately this probably came as a surprise to no one but Coleen, and even there I'd have to think she's always wondered.

As for my buddy who banged the married athlete, this situation is kind of the same, kind of different. I mean, straight to our faces lied about his family. And couldn't have been less shady about it. Like, he was so nice and outgoing and funny and inclusive. I'm actually not surprised to find out he is a husband and a dad, because he has those qualities that at times, make a good husband and dad. Buds of mine who knew what happened claimed my buddy was the only one he had done this with and he did in fact try to get in touch with her again, but she wanted none of it. Do I believe she's the only one...God, I'm so on the fence. Part of me thinks maybe he just is in an unhappy marriage and saw my buddy as another chance, another possibility. My friend is pretty gorgeous, the all american girl next door type, and even moreso, she had NO idea who he was, which to him I think was a turnon. She didn't know what team he played for or what position. He didn't have to deal with a "fan girl" when he hung with her. And I think he thought maybe "I could have this, too, and it's not because of who I am or who I play for".

On the flip side, he could just be a total fucking two faced scumbag who likes to bang hot chicks. Maybe he does bang around a lot, but after scouring the internet, haven't come across ONE other rumor of him cheating. So, who knows, maybe my buddies weren't lying.

As for the dudes who get married in the prime of their careers and then cheat - a la Becks and Tiger Woods - this I think is a whole different ballgame. I think these guys "settle down" because of image issues and the whole "I can't be single forever, right?" attitude. They marry well - models, actresses, heiresses. They marry the girls every dumb fuck on the street would sell their left nut to bang and or marry. And then they cheat with a Bosnian hooker with eyebrows that make Animal from the Muppets look bald. With this shit, it could be one of two things. One, the woman isn't as hot in bed or in life as she is in the media. Doesn't like to have fun sex, doesn't like to try new shit, is self conscious, is too busy to fuck. I mean, not putting the cheating on the woman, a dude shouldn't cheat in general, but this could be one reason he might. The other idea? Variety, the chase, the excitement of something new. I mean, look at the dude who fucked around on Halle Barre. She's gorgeous, hot bod, great career. Was he really banging someone "better" than her? Probably not - but it's the chase that guys love, as fucking cliche as it is, and some guys just never get over that thrill. And I think with dudes like Becks and Woods and whoever else, that's the situation. They have it all but still want a little extra on the side. A change of pace, something new, a novelty item.

Dudes cheat for a whole fucking laundry list of reasons. Some are unhappy, some have issues with their wives and home life, some aren't ready to give up the chase, some just like a constant change of pussy. Why do they get married? Pressure, confusion of what comes next, fear, trust issues, image issues, and the social expectations that a guy that desirable should eventually settle down and be an even better role model.

In my opinion, Jeter had it right the whole time. Dude fucked a LOT of hot women. To my knowledge, he never cheated. He never had to - he dumped them when he was done. You never hear about a messy breakup with Jeter, you never hear about the scandals or betrayal. Is Jeter perfect? I've heard from sources he is into gang banging and has been known to take more than one lady up to play in his pinstripe penthouse. But he did it while he was unattached. And now, he's with Minka Kelly and she'll probably, in my opinion, land the rock. And I would honestly put more money on the idea that he'll stay faithful to her than the idea that he'd cheat. Could he cheat? mIght he cheat? I means, he's Derek Jeter, he puts a rock on a girl's hand, and he gives up like, millions of vaginas and bowjobs. It might be much for a guy to give up. But it's also shit he's gotten for 15 years. Maybe it got old. Maybe he did shit in reverse from what the other fuckers did. He lived his life, fucked a lot of girls, tried a shit ton of positions and games and fettishes and whatever else, had a lot of girlfriends, had a lot of hot sex, and now he wants to know what the whole marriage and stability thing is like. He didn't do it the other way. He didn't start off being the good guy and end up being the sexually curious guy. And that's where I think he got it right. Other athletes should learn a thing or two from him. When you're not ready, you're not ready. Forcing yourself to be something you're not isn't going to make anything better. In fact, it'll end up probably ruining a lot of lives. Do you think Coleen Rooney would be more upset if Wayne dumper her at 19 and she had her whole life ahead of her to find someone else, or moe upset that her husband, a guy she's loved in theory for almost 10 years, was paying to put his dick in another woman while she was pregnant with their child? People get over breakups. Shit like what she went through, that leaves scars. Like, deep fucking scars.

Even my soccer hottie. I mean, I love fucking around and chilling with him, but I personally think he is the eternal bachelor. I was shocked when he decided to designate a girlfriend. But I wasn't shocked when he didn't tell me to fuck off when we hooked up the last time, or that he still likes getting my texts and pics. He just - at the moment, anyway - isn't meant to be monogamous and he's trying and failing, miserably ha. Not my problem - his relationship, his issues - but it makes me wonder why he's trying so hard. Pressure? Fear of aging? Who the fuck knows.

Cheating is a typical occurrence in sports, and not just on the field. It's a sad thing to cop to, and there are so many women who just accept it in light of the life they think they might have. Some women are ignorant, some women ignore it. So many different scenarios, so little time. It is what it is. There have been enough examples in the last ten years to give women fair warning, and to lay out a blueprint for guys that more often than not, if you're cheating you're not going to get away with it and it could ruin what you started out to do. Remember kids, the internet learns everything eventually. There's no hiding women in different states or countries anymore, no changing our name or address or phone number. So much risk and they take it, time and time again. Be warned athletes and athlete fuckers - it's all part of the game.

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