Thursday, December 9, 2010

Come Here Often?

Here's a little collection of some of the best things/funniest things athletes have said to me to get me in bed, during sex, and after.

10.) In text message form, at 3:38 in the morning on a Tuesday - "I just want your legs over my legs and with my cock. Are you getting horny?" - drunk text from hockey dude. When I responded "sleeping" he responded "you're no fun". No, I'm just not that flexible.

9.) After insisting to a baseballer I couldn't keep going in sex and that it didn't matter because I didn't think he was going to finish (he was shitfaced), he violently ripped off the condom, threw it against the wall, pushed me off of him and fell out of bed screaming "WELL MAYBE IT'S BECAUSE I HAVE THIS STUPID WHAEVER THE FUCK IT'S CALLED THING ON AND I CAN'T FEEL ANYTHING." - Condom. The word is condom.

8.) "I love having sex with you, but I'm pretty sure I have a wool sweater on my dick and I can't feel anything" - my laxer ex when we ran out of condoms and had to borrow one from his teammate/floor mate and that shit was basically made of the same shit wet suits are made of.

7.) "Here, I drew this for you" a soccer dude I was basically in love with, after he gave me some picture a kid drew for him and gave to him at a game, as he then continued to ask my best friend if she would go home with him. Dick. I don't like your drawings.

6.) "Do you know who I am?" - this is a by association, married athlete dad to my unknowing friend who later hooked up with him and had to Google his ass to find out that he was all up in the marriage business.

5.) "Do you think we could get away with fucking in that bathroom right there?" a drunken convo in the back of some shady fucking Japanese restaurant after sake bombing with a soccer player and talking about non-sexual shit. The bathroom was basically the size of an airplane bathroom, so no, we didn't. At least not there.

4.) "We call him Larry. Doesn't he just look like a Larry?" - some buds about Landon Donovan.

3.) "If you don't come see me I won't have sex for six weeks." - a soccer player who I had never formally met before that had no idea I was banging his teammate. Good times.

2.) "I was looking at them and thinking 'there's something not right with these people'". A hockey player's thoughts about a team of special ed hockey students who got to play on the ice in between periods. Somehow said hockey player wasn't on that team.

1.) "This has nothing to do with you, I just have to do this throughout the day," soccer player with a huge ice bag on his balls post fucking as we laid in bed because he had a groin injury. Nothing like having a dude tell you he's not icing his balls because of your vagina. WHAT A RELIEF.


  1. These are frickin hilarious. Love #1.

  2. are you the one that regretful morning made fun of

  3. Regretful Morning did link something I wrote, yes. In that wonderful post they wrote about how guys can fuck anything but girls need to lie to dudes and say they've only been with three guys. Really says a lot about the male ego. I enjoy sex just as much as dudes, and I'm not going to deny myself it so a dude I fuck can "not have a frathouse". And trust me, I've yet to meet a guy who's given a shit about how many guys I've banged, including the two dudes I seriously dated. But yeah, my article was linked there. Glad it made such an impression on ya! ;)

  4. can we see your boobs please