Wednesday, December 1, 2010

The Hardest Part...

Had an e-mail (late) last night that asked what i think the hardest part about being a jersey chaser is. It's a broad question and I'll answer it in a few parts..

In terms of the jersey chasers who throw themselves shamelessly at anything that has the remote ability to play a sport, at any guy who has a reputation in said sport, and is looking to be a professional gold digger or simply wants to be famous and can't do it on their own, the hardest part is opportunity. Despite my uncanny ability to somehow find, befriend, bang and on the rare occasions date athletes, it's not exactly that simple. Especially if you're going like, major league. The higher ranking player you are striving for, the harder it is to gain access. So some chick from Tuscaloosa coming up to the Bronxo hoping to find a Yankee in Stan's, shit more than likely isn't happening, and if it does, please call me and tell me how. Most have to work from the bottom, dating minor leaguers, going through team stats, trying to gauge who will be called up first. A lot of the minor league teams are in random ass towns. I feel like a lot of those girls see these guys as an out a lot of the time. They are looking for their security blanket because in towns like, bumblefuck Wahtanooga Kansas and you don't exists on a map Chippua Falls Iowa, it's not like you have the opportunity to land a business guy for Morgan Stanley or UBS who makes 500k a year like in New York or Boston or LA. These are the women who grow up to be the Rachel Uchitels, the club promoters at strip clubs who take athletes into the VIP section and give them whatever they want, including themselves, hoping to get something back. Club promoters can be a dangerous breed as well, especially the lady ones. I know two dudes who have cheated with club promoters/cocktail waitresses. It's a mentality that starts early and definitely eases into the career. And while I hate knocking cocktail waitresses (because I do that, too), it's fair to admit a lot of 'em are doing it to find an angle and an opportunity like Uchitel did. Bitch is ten million dollars richer with two homes. You think she's really that upset she didn't land Tiger Woods, aka the Dell guy!? So yeah, opportunity is really the biggest thing I think most typical "wait outside the locker room, show some tit and wear a short jean skirt and hope one of them knocks me up so I can collect child support" jersey chasers face.

In terms of jersey chasers like the wives and girlfriends of guys who play sports professionally, fidelity and distance are the two greatest obstacles. If I've said it once, I've said it a million times. These dudes cheat like they fucking breathe. Fast and often. There is so much temptation and so many opportunities to bang around on your significant other, it's almost impossible not to. There are many, many Rachel Uchitels in the world. The word "no" never applies to these guys. And the women who chase 'em don't often care about the wife and girlfriend or even the kids at home. They see their own opportunities and take advantage as quickly as they can. And there are women who will stand by their man no matter what. No matter how many other chicks he's fucked, no matter how many times that girl has gone to bed crying, no matter how awful he treats her. For some, it's love. For some, it's not having a real option, for others it's simply money and lifestyle. I know a handful of athletes who (to my very best knowledge, and my knowledge is usually spot on) don't cheat. I know way more who have and do. A lot. Like blatantly, no regard for their wives or girlfriends, banging around with hoebags to a point it makes it seem like their wife must beat them or withhold fucktime when they are home.

Distance is also another factor that can kill a relationship. I was always lucky. Even though my ex boyfriends were always nowhere near me, my mom does corporate travel. I could fly anywhere for very cheap and make the distance work. I love to drive, I have a car. Shit was never hard for me. On the contrary, it was like alway shaving a place to get away to if school or home sucked. But for most women, weeks without seeing a husband or boyfriend, it can suck a lot. A lot. Your vagina gets tiny when it's not getting used! It sucks when other chicks get to BANG your husband more than you, too. Trust is a huge issue and distance plays big into that. Overcoming these two things, in my opinion, is the hardest thing for this kind of jersey chaser.

As for what's left - me - the hardest part of chasing the jersey is a.) stopping and b.) separating feelings in the heart from feelings in the vagina. It's also owning up to what I do.

I always say I'm going to quit the athlete thing. But since I've been making a New Year's resolution to start going to the gym for 30 minutes a day five days a week for the last FOUR YEARS, and clearly that hasn't happened, making promises to better myself never work out. But I don't chase for money or fame. If I were in anything for money, trust me, it'd be a lot easier with where I am in life to marry a fat asshole from Goldman or Barclays and just spend his money, fuck once a month and cheat on him when I really wanted anything meaningful. Not my style. So I stick to the athletes, for now, to have a good time and because fuck it, I'm already waist deep in it.

Some people knock me for showing that I have feelings, and not being "totally the female Tucker Max" because I'm not an asshole sex maniac 100% of the time. I'm not going to lie and say I've never felt a lil something for any of these guys. I actually tried to force myself to like hockey dude because I thought there could have been something there since he was close and quiet and a relatively good, albeit Canadian, dude. But it wasn't there and forcing it made the experience more retarded. If I just went with it and enjoyed it like I was, it would have been way fucking funnier. As for the two guys I dated, well, can't knock me for loving dudes who loved me back. And as for anyone else - eh, I was never really attached. One soccer dude (and no, NOT soccer hottie, actually, one prior to him) I thought I was going to marry and have like, twenty kids (gross) with. And then he asked my best friend to go back to his place with him when we all flew out to see him/them. That one hurt a little bit. But after it stopped hurting, there were so many fucking funny things that I realized happened on that trip, that it was all worth it.

So when people say it's not possible to have feelings for these guys AND make fun of them/us/me post sexual whatever, it's total bullshit. It can be both. And for me, on certain occasions it has been. I can have shitty squishy feelings for these guys, let them wear off and then see the bigger picture (like most people do). On other occasions it's been straight sex. A lot of laxers, particularly post grad ones, were strictly sex and "fuck I hope I never see him again". A lot of "DNA" (do not answers) on my cell phone. So don't tell me it can't be done - it can. I've done it. And I think I've managed quite fine. Will there be occasions where I show that I have like, half of a real person's heart and not a penis for a heart? Absolutely, I'm a fucking chick. I go through it every month where I cry and weep and watch stupid movies like Bride Wars. Like I said, I may fuck like a guy a lot of the time, but I'm still a fucking idiot girl too. And athletes help me remind myself that there can be a balance.

So for me, the biggest challenge is convincing people that there can be that balance. That you don't have to want someone to want you forever, that sometimes one night is more than plenty. That you can be friends with dudes you fuck. And yeah, that women are totally capable of fucking dudes and being like "okay thanks get the fuck out of my bed I never want to see you again and I'm sobering up". Or fucking dudes because it's funny (hi, actor dude with the puppets). Or fucking guys because they're horny, or because the guys look good. That's been the hardest part, especially since I've come out. Convincing people there is no ulterior motive. That sometimes I just like to have fun, and I happen to like sports and think athlete dudes are attractive. Sometimes it sucks that it's so hard to convince people of such an easy concept. But I deal and to be honest, it's been totally worth every moment.

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