Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Hockey Stories

I was bullshitting with my friend tonight about the hockey dudes we used to fuck around with, and this made me laugh....

So my two bests and I were all kind of "seeing" hockey players at the same time. And my friend Jackie was seeing this dude, Tim. Tim was from Ohio, but like, the almost near Canada part of Ohio. He also looked exactly like Scott Farkus from A Christmas Story. Anyway, we'd always try to get the boys to come chill in New York with us (this was when they were still in the AHL) and sometimes my guy would pop by, and my friend Michelle's would come down for the day, but Tim was like a fucking ferrel cat. Totally skiddish and shady when it came to that shit.

We soon realized he basically grew up in the stix and had a serious fear of cities. Like, couldn't grasp the whole "it's a grid with crosswalks" idea of it and just basically refused to come visit, always tried to get us to go up there. So at this point, my friend Jackie realizes shit's not going to work out because dude is all demophobic (look it up bitches), so we decide to fuck with him.

Now, my friend Jackie is one of those people who comes up with stories and shit on the fly. We once left my ex boyfriend a four minute voicemail pretending to be a jewish lady from Providence Rhode Island looking for a date. Jackie would be stellar on a fucking like, improv show because she does voices really well and just comes up with shit that you'd never think of. After we took our first pole dancing class together, I got a text from her at 4 in the mornign the next day. This is what it said:

"Holy fuck, I feel like I'm a lumberjack in the 1800s, I just built a railroad across America with the lumber I chopped, then got hit by the train five times, and then got Scarlett Fever. I can't fucking move my arms and I'm walking like I just got raped in the ass".

I love my friends.

So when Tim text her one night asking her to come up to see him, she questioned why he would never come to visit her.

"Fine, Friday I'll come. Will you meet me in the city?" he responded.

Jackie's response? It's still a text I think she has saved on her phone.

"Yeah, but be careful when you come into Grand Central," she wrote back.

"Why?" he asked.

"Well, just make sure you bring like, a lot of Splenda."


"Yeah, you know, those sugar packs? New York, especially around where Grand Central lets you off, is really shady, and there are a lot of meth and coke head homeless dudes. They see a guy that's well dressed, and they automatically think he's probably got money they can use to get a fix, so there's a lot of muggings and shit around there."

"Shit, are you serious?"

"Yeah dude, so what a lot of people in New York do is carry Splenda. If a homeless dude comes up to you or tries to mug you, you break open a few packs and throw it at them and they think it's coke and it's like when a shark smells blood, they just lose all thought and go for it. So the more Splenda you throw at the homeless dudes, the easier you can get away if something happens."

"Fuck, you're making me nervous now".

"Don't be nervous, seriously, just fill your pockets with Splenda so when you're waiting for a cab you'll have a decoy. Once you're in the cab you'll be fine, as long as you don't get a West Indian taxi driver. Dudes are fucking know for fatal accidents in the city."


"Because all of them are hopped up on this random African drug that's becoming really popular and they just speed everywhere. Some dude was thrown through the window of a cab like, two weeks ago and died on 71st Street".

"Shit, are you sure you just don't want to come up here? None of that shit happens up here."

"No it's something you need to experience, Tim, and it would mean a lot to me. Just bring your Splenda and you'll be fine."

Dude bought everything. I mean, totally fucking believed everything she said to him. At one point, she didn't know what else to say because she couldn't come up with anything less believable and he was actually taking her word as fact. Fucking Splenda?

Tim never came down to see Jackie. He'd randomly hit her up on BBM, and Jackie would write something back about Equal, but he never caught on. Dude was Canadian by association, I swear to God. We fucked with him so bad on so many occasions, it was pathetic. It got to a point the hockey dudes were literally just comic relief with maybe some random drunk sex on the side. God, I love the NHL.

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