Let's start with Cheryl Tweedy (formerly Cheryl Cole). It's sad that her surname didn't sound as classy as her married name, but her husband was one of the first "dude got busted with his BBM in some girls SMS". AKA, he was phone fucking a whole lot of bitches meanwhile he had this little hottie at home, with her own fortune (many Americans might not know Cheryl, but she was all up on the second coming of the Spice Girls in England, a girl group called Girls Aloud (totally not cheesey at all, good job ladies) which was super popular over there). Personally, I think Ashley Cole just looks like a dbag. so I wasn't super surprised. Like, there's a dude that gets pedicures and yells when his toenails aren't even. Ashley plays soccer for Chelsea and since the divorce, he sucked balls at the World Cup and is probably still banging around with shady itches who more than likely aren't as hot as his ex-wife. Hey, to each their own.
Next up, the obvious. Elin Nordegren. AKA, one of the only women Tiger Woods banged that has their natural lips. Elin was kind of a jersey chaser in her own right. Sure, she was a "model", but like, she wasn't exactly Giselle or Miranda Kerr. Like she was one of those random "I model for Sears spin off catalog Sires", or like "I had a role in an independent student movie two years ago as waitress number seven." Then she got a nanny gig for a golfer friend of Woods, and they ended up banging and getting married and having babies (gross). Then he decided he wanted to blow the whole fucking thing and start banging women who were like, "stars" in d-list pornos and fettish films sold on Canal Street in China Town and introduce the world to Rachel Uchitel, aka a woman who is made up of more cilivone than she is water and carbon. Shame, because while Elin wasn't like, a diehard famous model, she was a hottie, and she had kids with Woods. But while she had to endure some serious embarrassment, as well as some SERIOUS bloodwork tests for STDs, bitch walked away with more money than all of us will have in the next 20 years combined. So I mean, there are loads of women who date dweebs like Woods and then get fucked over and never get God damn dime and end up working at Lord & Taylor. So she got off kind of easy.
Clearly I'll throw Eva in there. Eva Longoria is a hottie, even if she's a bit annoying. Bitch obviously got real amous with the whole Desperate Housewives thing, aka "the actors are more real in this fake TV show than the women who were in the show based on actual housewives". Tony Parker, I never got it. I've never heard him speak, but in my mind he has a French accent and in that, I have no attraction to him whatsoever. Also, dude is mother fucking tall and she's a midge. But regardless, Eva comes out on top, even if it was Erin Barry who wanted to be on top. However, she loses points for a.) being a fucking idiot and putting up with cheating shit in the beginning, and b.) being a fucking idiot and assuming that he had gotten it all out of his system. Seriously, if you're husband's cheating on you in the honeymoon phase of marriage, DUDE WILL PROBABLY GET BORED OF BANGING YOU AFTER A YEAR OR TWO. God, why are women so fucking stupid sometimes?
Now, I don't think Cynthia Rodriguez is anything to look at. In fact, bitch has a manly face and body and looks like she was kind of taking 'roids with her ex-husband. However, A-Rod fucked up because the whole thing began unraveling when he go nailed (literlly) going to strip clubs with blond chicks who weren't his wife. And you know he was getting free sucky sucky from shady strippers from Sapphire, and that's gross. SOmetimes the strippers from there frequent my bar to pick up old dirty married men who don't get enough head from their 47 year old wives and cart them off to the land of "my pussy smells like high class perfume" in a limo, and to me, those bitches are gross. Personally, I love A-Rod because he gets hits and bombs, but dude has purple lips and Puerto Rican hair from 1986. Not my speed, and I don't know where he got off cheating around.
Coleen Rooney. Are you starting to catch on a lot of these dues are soccer players? Just sayin'...anyway, Coleen isn't like, hot. She's better looking than the average "we met in high school and he banged me in the back of my Ford truck while the Backstreet Boys Millenium CD was playing, it was way romantic" girlfriends and wives. You know, the chicks dudes meet when they're 16 and nerdy and don't have a multimillion dollar contract to offer ladies. That always ends in disaster. You need to fuck around before marriage. It's not normal (in my opinion) to fuck one vageena or one peen for the entirety of your life. There's a LOT of peen/vag out there, and you learn a lot from each one. Anyway, these dudes make this mistake, thinking they are marrying someone they love and can trust and who isn't in it for money, then realize they have every option in the world to fuck and have fun with other chicks who are hotter, more laid back, or simply different in some way, when they suddenly have money and are on a team people give a shit about, and then they cheat. It's like a mathematically true equation. You gotta experience a little of the fame before you wash the possibilities away with a wedding ring, sorry. Not sticking up for the dudes who cheat, but being honest. Fuck, I'd want to do it. If I suddenly became famous tomorrow, would I still want to be dating the dude I was dating when I was 17? No, I'd clearly want to fuck Chase Crawford or some ridiculous hot athlete and test that level of dude out. So yeah, here's Coleen and Wayne's issue. Wayne was like, the face of England soccer and she got prego (babies ruin EVERYTHING) and then he spent a shit ton of money on hookers. HOOKERS! He didn't even bang hot chicks for free, he paid. HE PAID for sex outside marriage. Says so much. He's been in hot water since that shit came out, and then the whole issue with ManU and England blowing balls in the WC. There's a David Beckham born every minute. Wayne's hitting that road, hard. Coleen is a dope for staying, but then I have to wonder, what else does she have to fall back on? Honestly? Love's a shitty conspirator. That's why I just fuck around. You get attached to these guys and you soon realize that the girls who don't fall for 'em or care, get more from the guy than you do.
Also, a FABULOUS article about the life of the WAG with the cheating hubby. Life of the WAG