Monday, December 6, 2010

Hottie Roster of the Week

And some new athletic peen for you fuckers to scam on while you're having a bad case of the fucking Mondays.

First up, we have John Hester, a catcher for the Arizona Diamondbacks. Personally, I'm not a fan of expansion teams like the Dbacks, the Devil Rays and the Marlins. I feel like they take away from baseball in the sense there is a very limited fan base of fair weather fuckers. I also think to one of the two times I saw my dad cry, and one was 2001 when the Dbags beat the Yankees. FUCK YOU RANDY JOHNSON. Anyway, despite all this animosity for a team that has changed its outfit more times than a fucking drag queen in Vegas, John Hester gets a call to the roster. He's only appeared in 53 games over the past two season, and he's averaging .220, but he's still pretty fucking hot, particularly with the catcher's helmet on backward. Sucks that he's on a team that, aside from a bloop ten years ago, generally lies at the bottom of the standings each year. He needs to come over to this sie of the country so I can Facebook stalk him and bang him eventually. What? It's true. (Thanks to the commenters for catching the Mariners fuck up, it was late when I was typing this and was reading about the Mariners).

Next, Karl Alzner is a defenseman (god I clearly have a thing for the d-men) for the Washington Capitals. He's in the same boat as last week's hottie roster of the week participant Jakub Kindl, in the sense that he went from hockey trash to "I have my shit together and I'm not going to put SunIn in my hair anymore". He's also from Burnaby, BC, and therefore has a soft spot in my heart. Love the BCers, you crazy fucking Canadians. His whole +/- has fluctuated from a 32 in the AHL to a -2 when he's been up with the Caps, but he looks like one of those dudes who needs to fill out a little. I'd bang him just because has the typical Canadian blue eyes. All fucking Canadians have blue eyes. It's a fucking Aryan race or some shit, had I married my ex I would have been like that experimental devil child. Ugh. Anyway, I'd fuck Karl Alzner.

And then Devon McTavish. I don't know why I think this kid's hot. I think I was Facebook friends with him for a while, I don't think I still am though. He plays for DC United, along with half the kids I went to college with. Dude's a defender and he went to West Virginia, and last year he had 16 starts in 19 games, with no goals. I mean, fine, he plays D, and his stats are mediocre particularly for the MLS, but he's pretty hot. It's weird, dude was way hotter in his Facebook pictures I think (I'm a fucking weirdo stalker, so shady). Anyway, I'd go slumming in the MLS for this dude, no doubt, even without a US/International game under his Nike shorts. God I've gotten spoiled.

Mitch Maier is up next. Here's a rare case of dude who looks way fucking better without parts of his uniform on, particularly his cap. He was a first round draft pick for the Kansas City Royals, and has been an outfielder for them since 2006. Last year he hit .263 in 117 games, which isn't terrible for a team like the Royals. He's 6'2" 215, which means he's a little meaty, which is something I'm fucking weirdly attracted to (ask my ex laxer boyfriend). But if I ever bone this kid, I need to make sure he is sans hat. He can keep everything else on - don't underestimate my ability to bang completely clothed, it's been done before - but just not the hat. In the hat, he looks fat. Not cute chubby, fat. But without the hat, he's totally bangable.

And finally, my number one hottie of the week, Nick Schommer. Dude is a safety for the Tennessee Titans, and he is like the EPITOME of what I consider fucking gorgeous in terms of dudes. Snobby nose, thin lips, defined jawline, good hair, nice eyes. Like, write that shit up and send it to me, Nick Schommer I'd fuck you eight ways from Sunday beginning tomorrow morning and ending next week and you can totally call the shots. This dude looks like he'd be a LOT of fun in bed. He went to North Dakota State University (I forget ND is a state, let alone that they even have a state university), and then was drafted by the Titans in 2009. He's my age, which is nice, and yeah. I really think someone needs to get me this kid's number. Like, whatever I make off my book, I'll give you if you can get me one bang date with this dude. I'd fucking move to Fargo and freeze my tiny tits off just to get warm via body heat naked with this guy. I have no idea what he does on the field, but I don't give a shit if he's like, the "special" brother of the coach who comes on the field at halftime to kick the ball in front of the crowd. If he looks that good in bed and naked, I'd fucking claim it proudly. Seriously, if I were going to die in a week, and I had the opportunity to bang this dude, I think I could die happy knowing the last guy I fucked looked like that. God would totally meet me at the gates (because even though I don't believe in organized religion, if there is a heaven I'm totally getting in because I know how to pay off bouncers like a fucking champ) and be like "good fucking job, Williams. Way to end on a high note. The clubhouse is this way".


  1. The Mariners? Don't you mean the Tampa Bay Rays? The Mariners have been around since 1977.

  2. this dude has got a little bit of a Joaquin Phoenix going on so yea totally doable!