Sunday, December 19, 2010

Hottie Roster of the Week

I contemplated writing a long, long, long, bitching post about how much I hate tourists. But I'll keep it to this - I don't care if I threw up in your food before I gave it to you, nothing, I repeat NOTHING, this time of year, in a midtown bar, up the street from Time Square and Rock Center, warrants a $5 tip on a $145 check. Further, yes, that's $8 for one beer. Go back to the South you confederate fucker and leave me alone.

ANYWAY....here are five hot athlete dudes who would NEVER leave you a $5 tip.

First, this one's for my bud, Jock. Jay Demerit has a special place in both our hearts. He once tried to video tape me naked (the story is very very less straight forward than what I just said, ha), and he genuinely seems like a cool dude from the times I've seen him and chilled. He's all bad ass with the tats, and he kind of looks like a mix between an Armani model and Link from Encino Man...it's a really weird fucking combo. Further, I think it was Jay who may or may not have introduced me to LD's nickname, Larry. (His Twitter update today made me laugh. I don't have Twitter, but my friend Jock pointed it out to me and it made me laugh out loud, seriously, because it's SO TRUE). Possibly one of the best gossip sessions of my life in a shady hotel in New Jersey. I digress. Anyway, Jay Dem also just got picked up by an expansion team in the greatest Canadian city ever, Vancouver, so double props to him. Dude had a good showing at the World Cup, and he kind of removes the whole "pretty dude" image from soccer, so while I wouldn't bang him for multiple reasons (Jock's got dibs), I'd still mentally bang him. Also, while there are actually LOADS of good pics of Jay online, I found this one and laughed out loud (lots of laughing today, SO FUNNY, fuck I'm tired) so I wanted to share it with you.

Luke Pomersbach is next up. He plays Cricket, a sport I will eventually study and figure out, but until then I just check out the calanders these fuckers release to find the hot ones...anyway, Luke here is Australia, which puts him up on the fuckable list to begin with. Dude plays for the Western Warriors and just signed with the Indian Premier League team the Kings XI Punjab. He is an "attacking left-handed batsman", whatever the fuck that means, and in 2008 he won an award for Player of the Year. Also, dude has a bad ass side because he got arrested for drunk driving and basically resisting arrest, or what we in the states like to call running from the popo. But dude is definitely a hottie, and he looks way hotter with the pads on. Also, he looks hotter with a cap on. Kind of tragic but don't act like you've never banged a guy with a hat on.

Next, we have yet another defenseman in hockey...I know, I'm getting boring, fuck. Whatever, dude totally deserves it. Andreas Lilja plays for the Anaheim Ducks (aka, always in my heart as the Mighty Ducks sans Goldberg and the Bash Brothers). Now, dude;s kinda old (a whopping 35) but he still is pretty fucking hot, I'd totally go old balls for this dman. Oh, awesome, according to his wiki page, dude was accused of gang raping a chick, but there wasn't enough evidence to get him on it....awesome, this sounds eerily familiar to another relationship in my life. God, I go for the fucking weird ones. ANYWAY, dude isn't in jail, and according to the Swedish courts, he ain't a rapist, so you know what? I'd totally bang him, and consensually too. Oof. Poor taste? Whatever, you were thinking it too.

Mikel Arteta gets the next call up. He's a midfielder for Everton over in the EPL. Dude is from "The Basque Country", which is apparently a real mini-country in Spain (kind of like the Vatican, I think), and he's way hot. I mean, he kind of has a bit of the Ronaldo gay face thing going on, but he's still definitely bangable. Dude's an attacking midfielder and like everyone else who's ever played in the EPL aside from Carlos Bocanegra (sorry old man), dude's got some serious speed. I give him credit because he's been all over. Started with Barcelona but couldn't hack it in the first team, so then he went to France in Ligue 1, then to the SPL with the Rangers, and now onto Everton, who I consider England's underdog favorite hometeam. So like me, he's traveled all over the fucking globe for soccer, so we have something in common to talk about in languages neither of us understand while we bang. He's married, with a child I think, to some really hot chick named Lorena but whatever, I can dream.

And finally we have (no, not Nick Schommer, sadly), but David Hyland, from the BC Lions! If you're wondering who the BC Lions are, they are a CFL (Canadian Football League. Totally exists I'm not even making it up I swear) team and their stadium is tragically positioned right across the street from GM Place where the Canucks play. It's like they are just mocking them being like HAHA THE CANUCKS SELL OUT STADIUMS WOMEN'S FIELD HOCKEY TEAMS DRAW BIGGER CROWDS THAN CFL GAMES. But anyway, David Hyland is a cornerback for the BC Lions. Dude had some solid stats at Moorehead State, where he played college, but if you're like me and had no idea Moorehead was a school, just assume that most scouts felt that way, too. Dude didn't relaly hit the peak of performance on a competative level, so the BC Lions were all like "hey, you know how to catch a ball? COME PLAY FOR US!" I feel like the BC Lions ae like the team in the Little Giants, and Rick Moranis is totally their coach. And David Hyland kind of has a Junior Floyd thing going on, too. Anyway, regardless of the fact that he plays in a league that is less impressive than the NCAA, he's still an athlete, he's still got good stats, and he still kind of looks like Nick Carter circa 1999, so I'd probably totally go there. Only if he agreed to take me on a date to a Canucks game right across the street after we boned.

5 comments:

  1. Ahhh, Everton. I love Tim Howard. **sigh**

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  2. The more I stare at David Hyland, the more I kind of find him seriously adorable as WELL as bonable.

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  3. Wait, whose twitter update made you LOL (from the Jay blurb)?

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  4. Luke Pomersbach looks like the hot little bro of the guy from CSI/Las Vegas... completely bangable for sure

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  5. I love Jay! He seems like a cool guy and his twitter is so funny.
    Plus, he's from my area so he gets some extra points. I think I actually went to high school with his cousin.

    Is he the cheating type?

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