Sunday, December 5, 2010

The Landon Donovan of Hockey

So, legitimately my legs feel like they have been beaten with baseball bats, and if I have one more person ask me for a lemon drop martini in the next 25 days I am probably going to end up arrested for first degree murder. I will have loads to post tomorrow evening, but right now I need to take like 7 Advil and pass the fuck out. But to get you little jersey chasing fuckers through the day, I'm letting Kat take over and tell her jersey chasing story. Also, because I've had similar experiences with hockey dudes, I really appreciated this story. Whenever I used to go out with my old hockey dude after his games he'd be in a suit and look hot as fuck and I'd be in jeans and a "no beer goggles necessary" t-shirt and feel like a dipshit. Honestly, my hockey dude wasn't like, hot hot, but in a suit he looked bangin', even if he had that "my eyes go in two different directions when I drink too much" look to him. So, ladies and lady fuckers, here's Kat's hockey jersey chasing story. Look for new posts tomorrow (or later tonight, whatever) about Jeter finally being not retarded, worst cheaters in sports, possibly a little WAGs story and some other fun shit.

"So it was my 22nd birthday and some friends and I decided to go out for a night on the town. We were at our cities hot spot on a Friday night having a great time dancing enjoying a few cocktails when all of a sudden all these smoking men in suits start to arrive around 11ish ( I thought my Wall Street fantasy was coming true) I was too loser drunk to notice at the time that our city's hockey team had a game that night and that all these guys weren't brokers or business men but hockey players. My feet needed a little break so I went and sat at a table while my friends went to the bar and get some more drinks. All throughout the night this creeper in a suit had been staring at me and following me around the bar, I guess when he saw me alone and figured now here is my chance to score. The next part gets a little fogy as to what happened I'm just going on what I remember and what my friends witnessed. This guys starts to chat me up asking me what I did yada yada yada. I know were he is going since I worked with hockey players and grew up with them I knew what his end game wanted to be. This douche then hands me a room key and a piece of paper with his number on it and says he hopes to see me later on top of him (super cheesy I know) I looked him dead in the eye which probably looked more like John Wayne with the winking and one eye opened and the slurred speech and said "Its a fact that like 85% of all hockey players have girlfriends, which percentage are you" without a bat of an eye he said he had a full-time girlfriend who was awesome, but what she didn't know wouldn't kill her and its not like he doesn't have a girl in almost every city. At that point I was so thrown for a loop and drunk I didn't know if I should be angry he wanted to cheat on a fellow sister or impressed he had the balls to admit he wanted to cheat on her. With most guys the girlfriend is the big pink elephant in the room both parties know that's there but don't want to acknowledge it but this guy full on admitted he had a girl. He then starts to go off about how he plays for so and so and how I should be honored he choose me out of all these girls. When I get drunk I get ballsy and really don't like to be told what to do so what happens next was only natural. I told the guy I didn't feel like it and would rather go home to bed cause I was a mess (not to mention his line-mate was a guy I knew very well and who eventually became my fuck buddy after years of turning him down haha) He then got really angry told me I didn't know what I was missing out on at this point my friends had returned to witness me snap at him something about how he isn't that big of a deal since he was wearing a Moore's suit special who plays on a NHL farm team in butt fuck nowhere and who is one concussion away from flipping burgers for the rest of his life (I told him some other things but it would give away who this douche is) He told me to fuck off which I was more then happy to do. As we were leaving at the end of the night I looked on to the dancefloor and who do I see with his tongue down some chicks throat and hand up her skirt? Shitty suit wearing hockey guy and actually the chick was our waitress from earlier at dinner hah!!

Was more then happy to let this jersey go, you could just tell he was a waste of a fuck he probably would of wanted to bang in a mirror and tell himself how awesome he is. Oh and the best part out of this all, the next day I'm talking to one of my friends who was there that night for a stag and she tells me that shitty suit wearing hockey guy gave her his number too but she ripped it up in front of him and told him to go pound sand. Your completely right when you say it if you don't bang em they will find someone else to get their dicks wet.

Since then this guy has become a pretty huge force in hockey. I tried writing this story on another message board cause I think its funny I told him he is one concussion away from flipping burgers and the responses I got were that I'm a trashy whore who was probably asking for it or so and so would never cheat on so and so she is an awesome girl with alot of class and he treats her like a princess and he would never hurt her this is just a made up story to hurt her your a slutty bitch. Which leads me to believe it was his gf or one of her friends writing these comment . Bitch please!! If you are to stupid or ignore the signs your boyfriends cheating that's your own prerogative just don't be upset when his ass gets T-woods or B-Farved you were warned!"

Dying to know who it is. My guess might be Crosby? I've heard LOADS of stories from friends at Boston College who have hooked up with him that have stories (might have to turn this into a post, thanks for the idea, Kat). Ryan Miller is another one who comes to mind, because he has a girlfriend and while I love Miller I could totally see him banging around on his girlfriend and kind of being all Landon Donovan and "I WENT TO THE OLYMPICS WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO FUCK ME?".

Kat didn't clue me in on the team, city or position, so this is all up in the air. Fucking hockey kids, dude. It's a Canadian thing, I swear to fuck. And if they aren't Canadian, they are from like Minnesota or Ohio, AKA they are Canadian by association.

PS, I love Canada and almost moved to Vancouver, so I'm at total liberty to rip on Canadians. I once had a Canadian shitting his pants because I overheard him talking about how 9/11 wasn't as big of a deal as some battle in WWII where all these Canadian troops died. I turned around at dinner, embarrassing the fuck out of my ex boyfriend and told him to say that 9/11 wasn't a big deal to someone who was from New York and knew people who had been killed, because they are sitting right in front of you. Dude totally wanted to die. ANYWAY, this story has nothing to do with anything, I'm exhausted and rambling. I'm going to go OD on Advil now. A big round of jersey fucking applause for Kat, and if anyone else has a story they'd like to share, by all means, drop me an e-mail and I'll be glad to tell the world what a shady fucker the dude you banged (or didn't bang, in Kat's case) is.


  1. Dying to hear some Sid the Kid stories. I hate him as a hockey player because he cries so much to the refs but I also think he's going to end up like
    Tiger in a few years with a boat load of rippers and porn stars selling his ass out to TMZ and holding press conferences wth Gloria Allard..the dude made millions and up to this year lived with Mario...he strikes me as the guy who probably tries to hard in bed and likes to video so he can take it home to Mario to review and analyze his performance or he's a sexual predator who has a sex closet and is a freak...compared to almost all other hockey players he's the most unaccessable and closed off to he public and his interviews you can tell are so rehearsed at least Ovie full on admits he needs to drop a load before every game oft else he won't play and that is why ovie trumps sid the kid.

  2. Ahh, but could it really be Crosby? Correct me if I'm wrong but I thought he made his NHL debut at 18 & went straight from juniors? I'm curious as to what Boston College would have to do with it if he was playing junior puck in Canada and then with the Penguins?

    Who knows though-- but would he really have the balls to hit on a 22 year old when he was under 18?? Good work turning whoever it was down though!

  3. Can't be Crosby because he never did an AHL stint. Can't be Miller because he's a goalie and therefore doesn't have linemates. I would guess Patrick Kane because he can't find a properly fitted suit to save his life, but again no AHL stint. Mike Green, maybe? One of the Staals?