Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Let's Talk Multitasking

I had a random e-mail about sanctioned cheating that then went into the topic of athletes and multiple hook ups, aka tag teams and threesomes. Thought it'd be a good post.

There are a lot of random fucking mumblings about athletes getting into tag teams and threesomes. Beckham is the latest one, with this Bosnian Oscar the Grouch saying he paid to have threesomes with some chicks. I know a couple other athletes that have ganged up on some girls, for lack of a better phrase.

I was once asked by an athlete if I had ever been tag teamed or if I had ever been in a threesome. He played football in college, can't for the life of me remember the college. I ant to say maybe North Dakota University (not the same school where Nick Schommer plays, I WISH) I remember look at at him and being like "what the fuck kind of question is that for a first date?" Needless to say, while I'm pretty sexually experienced, I have never been tag teamed and I have never been in a threesome, nor do I have any intentions.

I don't do multitasking. So a tag team (two guys, one girl) would not work at all for me. I'd get really flustered and end up grabbing someone's balls too hard and then biting or something, and there would be embarrassing visits to the ER. I'm not Oprah, I'm not Martha Stewart. Multitasking during sex isn't really a great idea for me. As for a threesome (two girls, one dude), I also don't share well. I don't want to watch some other bitch bang a dude I want to bang. Sorry, move out of the way, I can probably do it better. And you're a blond. So no, haven't been involved in one of those either.

However, it's ironic that I don't get into that shit since a lot of athletes are known to do it. A long long time ago, a soccer dude I was at the time banging around with asked if I would. At which point I was like hey fucker, if you think I drove down here to visit you and you called your buddy who needs to get laid hoping to get a twofer, you're on crack. I'm not a fucking Chili's okay? Then when I said I kind of think a tag team is a little gay, we discussed in detail over dinner the intricacies of WHY it isn't gay. Which I'm assuming means he's been involved in one. Not surprising. Dudes are close with their teammates and dudes get off watching other girls get fucked - hi, why do you think the porn industry is as big as it is. But sitting with him at dinner and chatting about it I was like....really? You just don't want the whole thing to yourself? I don't get it.

When I was seeing hockey player, my friend was also kind of seeing his friend, also a hockey player. We went to one of their games (this is long after both had been pulled up from the AHL to the NHL) and they had curfew for playoffs and couldn't hang out. So on our way home from the arena (after I ran into another guy on their team who was injured and couldn't play in a bar and then shamelessly hit on him and was sending him Facebook messages all night on my Blackberry, classy bitch), she began texting her dude, and I was texting mine. We were joking about having a gang bang. Mind you, NO real interest in doing so, we just wanted to make rhtme pissed off about not being able to hang out.

"We could share," my friend text her dude. "I'll fool around with and you can have Stef for a while and see what happens"

"What do you think?" I text my dude. "Gangbang? Get a little extra something?" I text. I legitimately had to pull my car over because I think we might have been the only two people in the world utilizing the term "gang bang" at the time and I was laughing so hard I couldn't drive straight.

I think they were super flustered. "What about tomorrow?" one text back to my friend. "We don't have any condoms, do you have condoms?" my guy text me back. "I mean, we can go without condoms, we're clean", my buddy typed. "And I bet it'd feel good".

"You're killing us right now," my guy text me.

"Do they really fucking think we're serious?" I asked her.

The gang bang topic never came up again, other than in Facebook jokes and random "get me through the day" BBM's to each other. But the dude who had been banging around with my friend did try to get me to switch dudes at one point, which was odd.

Guys are weird. I guess that's one place I stand out as a typical female fucker, because I just have no interest in two guys at once or sharing with another girl. Like, too much going on. I need to focus on one or two things, tops. Two dicks, four hands, four balls. Like that's way too much going on for me to do anything right. I'm sorry. But while I do find it mildly gay, I also can kinda see why athletes do it. Dudes share a lot of personal shit with their teammates. They see each other naked all the time. I guess if the swords don't touch (which, I find it VERY hard to believe, there's a lot of like, thrusting and moving and banging, peen's totally gotta touch at some point) it isn't gay, and I guess since you know how a dude works on the field/ice/pitch/court, you can work in sync at fucking a chick and getting head at the same time. So I get why teammates might be more inclined to share the ladies. And I obviously get why a dude would want to chicks fighting over his dick. But to me, I need to focus on one dude and I need to be the focus of one dude. So athletes lose out a bit there with me. I'm cool with sex and a lot of shady sexual shit, but I just like being the main event.

Sorry potential future athlete hookups - you only get me. Trust me though, I promise I'm more than enough ;)

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