Thursday, December 2, 2010

Liar Liar, Becks on Fire

Alright, so, I woke up with soccer on the mind (draw your own conclusions), so we'll start this morning with a soccer related post. It's probably going to be long, lots of info to digest and regurgitate.

Radar Online managed to snag the court complaint David Beckham is filing against In Touch Weekly and Bauer Publishing for $25 million. Because God knows those fuckers don't have enough money already.

Anyway, apparently In Touch is defending itself by saying a bunch of shit, like that a "source" told ITW that the lingerie store worker linked to Beckham had showed friends text messages Becks had sent her. And even though the woman denied it, ITW believed that Becks indeed was banging this lingerie bitch.

Next, another "source" told ITW that Becks was seen chillin in the lobby of the Sunset Tower hotel one night, on the phone, "anxiously talking on the phone" (wouldn't you be anxous if you were married to the fucking ICE QUEEN?) before he left with some blond trick.

Next, apparently at least three sets of independent sources were being all chatty about his shady behavior while he was hanging at different hotels where he "appeared to be spending time with women who were not his wife". Again, wouldn't you be acting skiddish if your wife could KILL YOU WITH HER ROCK HARD NIPPLES?!

And then there's the Becks' nanny, who claims to have seen "suggestive" text messages from some Beverly Hill housewife who's kids go to school with the three "our parents hated us when they named us" kids. The woman's name is Shery Shaban, and her husband is the crazy dude who apparently tried to run Becks off the road after he had some serious issues with the whole "my wife may or may not be fucking a soccer player" thing.

There's some story that ITW is shouting that Becks would meet the lingerie lady friend in the Figuera Hotel over by the Staples Center, where the Lakers play.

Then there's Irma Nici (this stunning specimen who has eyebrows that could make Oscar the Grouch weep with jealousy), who was a Bosnia hooker bitch who claimed Becks like to diddle her with his high pitched voice for $10k while he was in New York and London. I think this is where the "Becks had threesomes with hookers" rumor came from.

OKAY, so, now with all this psychotic info, let's break some shit down, shall we?

First off, do I think David Beckham has cheated on Victoria? Absofuckinglutely. I would put my life savings on the fact that this dude has dabbled in less frigid waters in the last ten years. I mean, Posh is kind of hot in that "I weigh three pounds and if you touch me I might break" modelish way, but c'mon, watching that woman smile reminds me of when Wednesday Adams is forced to smile at that summer camp in Adams Family Values (am I the only person who has ever seen that movie? Probably). Like, bitch is so tucked, stuffed, implated and poofed that I think that jerkoff tool the Fleshlight probably has a warmer, more pleasant pussy than this bitch. So if you think David Beckham, who was basically like Derek Jeter, Kobe Bryant, Tom Brady and (in his hayday) Tiger Woods all rolled into one in England and a lot of Europe, was faithful to the chick who filled up space on stage while Mel B sang, you are fucking cracked. CRACKED. I've know far less famous soccer starts who have banged around on their wives. It's rampant in that sport. So let's just start there - yes, I absolutely believe Becks is capable of fucking around and has fucked around on Victoria.

Next up, the rumors. Do I believe the hooker story? Pre-Wayne Rooney era, I would say no. Post Wayne-Ronney, I am inclined to say yes, I could buy it. I would say no only because athletes tend to be private and shady about fucking up sometimes. But in the recent years of "EVERYONE FUCK A HOOKER" I gotta say, athletes are getting dumb and paying for pussy, hoping it'll be a business transaction that's kept on the DL as opposed to fucking a fan girl and having her plaster it across the tabloids. Wrong bitch, hookers just get paid TWICE.

Anyfuckingsoccerplayers, the whole hooker thing is a 50/50 shot. It really could be true, but it also could be some psychopath making up rumors. But recently, there haven't been many false claims against dudes from hooker whores. Most have come back to be true so, this could be that case.

As for the soccer/housewife mom, this is a whole other level of batshit crazy. Like, woman's husband went psycho on her, the claims in the divorce case are that he screamed something like "I BET YOU WOULD HAVE HAD A BETTER BIRTHDAY IF DAVID BECKHAM SENT YOU A PICTURE OF HIS COCK" (hey, now you all know what to get me for my 25th!), and like, him chasing Becks down and all this crazy shit. Dude seems a little delusional, I'll side with the housewife there, but I feel like Beckham is a weird choice for who your wife may or may not be banging. However, there are apparently e-mails between Becks and the Housewife that she originally denied and then had to fess up to because they were submitted in court. Methinks she hides shit she doesn't want seen, and now she's gonna look like a jackass. That in and of itself tells me something was up. Whether he was serenading her with his mickey mouse voice while she walked around in just an apron asking him if he would like another martini with his rump roast (seriously, I'm so tired right now I have no idea where this shit's coming from), or that they were just cyber fantasizing about fucking, still kind of shady. Also, Radar says this bitch looks like Posh. Now, Posh isn't exactly Miranda Kerr in my eyes (BLASPHEMY), but check out the picture. Homegirl looks beat. Sure she wears bug sunglasses, but does that qualify her for a Posh Spice look alike contest (those totally exist btw)? No fucking way.

That's another thing, if Becks boned this bitch, she better have the deepest throat known to mankind because she isn't exactly screaming "I'M WORTH HAVING AN AFFAIR OVER" to me. Sorry.

So why the big fuss in the papers? Welp, Becks is suing mad and shooting for $25 mil. I don't know if I buy this shit or not. I mean, dude, how many issues of ITW had shit like "Angelina crying because Brad is back with Jen"? I mean, clearly it's a fucking tabloid, it's like 7% truth. I find it odd that Becks is taking to this level of defense. I know loads of athletes (and celebs for that matter) who have been accused of cheating with far less evidence than is all up in here, and they haven't sued.

I mean, the people who read this site know the deal - where there's smoke, there's at the very least a dying cigarette butt. There's a lot of accusations flying against Becks here, and my guess is at least one is true - whether it be the Bosnian hooker, the weathered housewife of the crazy millionaire, or the lingerie saleswoman. Jesus, could he have LESS appealing options? Why don't you throw in the aging crackwhore and the pregnant teenager while you're at it Becks?

The Becks marriage, to me, seems entirely superficial. Like, you know those two just fucking stand in the mirror going "you're so hot" in monotone voices while not even looking at one another. Or at least that's how they appear in person. Totally robotic. And for those who think her body is bangin', I mean, I'm all for the skinny bitch because I am one, but I'd take my small barely there tits over her "Fred Flintstone built a house out of my boobs" tits. Also, bitch never smiles. She needs to start hooking up with Michael Bradley from the US team - those two would have a child that was literally born with the inability to move their facial muscles in the form of a smile. God. And people say money makes you happy?

Anyway, like I said, soccer dudes cheat and the only thing different about this is how vehemently Becks is denying it. I don't think he'll get $25 mil. In fact, I don't think he'll win based on the evidence ITW and Bauer probably gave to support their idea that he cheated. What dude needs to do is be a better fucking affair artist. And hire better nannies who aren't going through your God damn blackberry. Why do I have a hard time believing Becks just leaves his shit laying around without a password? I mean, really? Give me a fucking break. I'm not famous and even I have a passcode on my Blackberry.

I guess we'll see how it plays out. I'll tell you one thing, Becks better watch his ass if he doesn't win this lawsuit, because you KNOW ITW will come back with avengance being all like "DAVID BECKHAM HAD SEX WITH A TRANSVESTITE MIDGET FROM INDONESIA" and they will totally fucking hire a tranny midge from Indonesia to corroborate their story, JUST to piss him off.

Also, you know that all these "sources" are probably Landon Donovan, right? Couldn't you just see Larry anonymously calling ITW from a payphone in West Hollywood being like "hello, I'm a bystander in the Figuerao hotel, and A VERY FAMOUS SOCCER PLAYER WHO'S NAME STARTS WITH A D AND ENDS WITH AN AVID BECKHAM IS HERE WITH A BLOND. I'VE NEVER MET HIM IN MY LIFE BUT I'M SURE IT'S HIM." Could totally see Larry doing it.


  1. I read this on my lunch break and I seriously almost choked on my food! I don't know whats funnier...the idea of Bradley and Posh together or that LD bit/photo. My effing blackberry won't let me comment, but I'm hitting your blog up on lunch! Read Chasing the Jersey > Read The Art of Happiness by the Dalai Lama. You beat out the Dalai Lama today. LOL

  2. hahahaha my friend virginia actually said the same thing. I'm apparently mildly entertaining when I'm exhausted ;)