Monday, December 13, 2010

Meet and Greets

I've gotten a few e-mails asking how I meet the athletes I hang out with and bang. To be honest, a lot of it is right time right place kind of shit. A lot of it is also technology and a mild case of stalking. Here are a few stories on how I ended up chasing certain jerseys.

At Maryland, I decided being a freshman might have its social downfalls, so I e-mailed two coaches prior to my orientation asking if they were looking for managers - lacrosse and soccer. I wanted to have an in with a team, and those two teams seemed like a good time. I loved lacrosse, and I knew enough about soccer to get by. Plus, both teams had decent hotties. I remember prior to going down to College Park, looking at the rosters for both teams and thinking "fuck this guy is so hot". Two guys I thought that about i ended up hooking up with. God I'm good. Anyway, we had lacrosse managers in high school, and I was one for like two days, but I didn't want to do it anymore so I quit senior year (I had hurt my own ankle and couldn't play). When the lacrosse coach actually e-mailed my ass back saying yes, they had an opening for a manager, I was pretty fucking pumped.

I was so lame. I wore my hair in a pony tail, wore a t-shirt with my hometown's lacrosse logo on it, and Maryland lacrosse shorts. So, so so so lame in hindsight. I met the coach, he asked me about some shit, and then after I lied and said I knew the game inside and out, he took me on. I guess he had no idea I was about to get naked with half his team. Poor fuck. And then I met a laxer randomly in the health center and introduced myself as his manager - also incredibly fucking lame - and then I hooked up with him (not in the health center you horny fuckers) and he kind of introduced me to the rest of the team right before Fall Ball. And then I began a year long bender and fucked around with a couple of those guys. Aw, laxers. You fucking dbags I love you.

As for my baseball ex - this one was half me being a jersey chaser, half me liking sports, and half him being typical. That's more than 100% but whatver, fuck you I don't do math. Anyway, I had been scamming on the Yankees minor league roster for a while when I was working at NBC for the summer. And this dude who sat across from me who was a producer for Extra (yep, I interned at Extra) was a huge Yanks fan. And he actually had tickets to a minor league game one night he couldn't go to, so me and my gay best went to the game after I had decided I wanted to bang Brett Gardner (seriously, meeting him 4 years later was a huge eye opening experience lol) who at the time, was on the team. So we sat first row third base line, and I was right near the dugout and bullpens, and long story short, after a night that was extremely embarrassing on all levels, as I was leaving I had two guys give me their number - one in person on a piece of paper, the other on a ball but he had his friend give it to me. I thought the ball was more original, I called him the next day, and we ended up dating/almost murdering each other on numerous occasions for almost three fucking years. So yeah, that shit really does happen.

My laxer ex was a case of me being a psychopath and also being persistent, and his random interest in me as well. Laxer was a bit well known. He had a girlfriend at the time we started e-mailing each other. When I knew they had broken up in like, October of my senior year, I made a move. In December I sent him an e-mail saying I had an interview at a localish paper near where he was going to school - would he want to meet up for a beer after? Mind you, no such interview existed. I was just going to drive up, pretend I had an interview and get the chance to hang with this dude. I'm a crazy person. Anyway, he agreed (to meet, not that I was a crazy person, he didn't experience that for a while into the relationship). Then I realized I didn't want to drive from New York (because it was supposed to be in January, my fake interview) to where he was just for this shit. So instead I said he probably wouldn't be there because it was break and I asked him if he wanted to meet at McSorley's (aka the best fucking bar in New York and the quickest route to a hangover) on break (we lived close to each other at home). He tentatively agreed, and I'm pretty sure he expected like a mutant nerd to show up. And instead he got me, and we got drunk together, and realized we had a lot in common, and then he started spouting lame shit about taking me on a dat with a limo or something and being romantic, and then we made out very publicly on the corner of 7th and 3rd. Like, I think my shirt was half off. And I was all drunk and stressed he was gong to be turned off by the fact that I basically have a bullet proof vest for a bra, because that shit is so padded. I eventually admitted to him that there never was an interview, and instead of calling the cops he actually laughed. Whatever, he had Facebook stalked my ass too WHILE he had a girlfriend USING HER FACEBOOK ACCOUNT. So we all do stalkerish things in life. It's just a matter of making them work for us.

As for the others - hockey and soccer. Well, hockey was a post breakup trip with my buds. Which ended up with us being on the glass at a minor league game, which ended up with us meeting and adding some dudes from the team on Facebook. Which then led to having them stalking my Halloween pictures where I was dressed as Victoria Secret angel, and eventually them asking to hang out. And then led to me spending Christmas Eve with a naked, drunk Canadian who was living in a hotel. Good times.

Soccer? God this was kind of a fate one. I had been down to my alumni game at Maryland and ran into a soccer buddy of mine who played there when I was there. He had a friend with him who was extremely fucking hot. He introduced himself and we were bullshitting about teams he played for and the guy I had gone to college with said the hot dude played for the national team. I couldn't remember his name two weeks later when I was trying to Facebook stalk his ass. So I Googled the USMNT roster and found one dude who I happened to think was fucking gorgeous. Never found the guy from the alumni event. I found him (the hottie, not the alumni guy) later on Facebook and added him, using the whole "oh I thought you were this guy I met" excuse, when in reality, I knew it wasn't him. But if I couldn't find hottie from alumni weekend, I was at least going to try to find a new dude. Anyway, USMNT player accepted me and we started bullshitting a lot. Became friends. And through him, he introduced me to a load of guys on the team. One was supposed to be this perfect set up of me and his friend, and it ended disastrously, making me realized I didn't want to date 'em, just fuck 'em. Keep it simple.

As for soccer hottie, we had mutual friends. In fact, my friend that plays soccer and I tried to hook him up with one of my friends, and he added her on Facebook to check her out. Neither ended up super interested in each other, but soccer hottie and I became buds on Facebook and would chat randomly. And then it got to texting and then it got to hanging out when we were in the same country. So that was a Facebook starter as well. God, I might as well re-sign up (yes, I was once signed up for) I pick up enough of these dudes via the internet anyway. Fuck.

So yeah, a lot of people assume it's in bars or clubs. Athletes do tend to swing through my bar, particularly baseball ones, but most are married and the ones I've hung out with have been married (hung out with in a totally friendly way, not a banging way) and play for local teams. I don't do the club scene - the Meatpacking District is a nightmare for me, give me Brother Jimmy's, wings and draft Bud Light. I don't do $27 martinis or house music that I don't know the lyrics to. So no, no picking up dudes in bars. Shocked? Don't be. Like I said, I'm not that typical jersey chaser who waits outside locker rooms, or in this case well known joints where athletes hang, hoping to get noticed and being all "HEY SIGN MY BOOB". I make my own opportunities and sometimes they just happen.

I should probably bang the dude who invented Facebook as a big fucking thank you for getting me a lot of these opportunities though. That shit was an absolute necessary when it came to half the shit I've done.

1 comment:

  1. Have you ever met Freddy Adu? If so, any stories on him? ever tried making any moves?