Friday, December 10, 2010

My Alma Mater - Incapable of Riding Scooters?

Maryland has unfortunately been in the news for a lot of stupidity in the last couple months. A competitive eating team, a loss to the College of Charleston, and scooter accidents.

I loved Maryland. Loved loved loved everything about College Park, outside of its crime rate and limited housing with air conditioning. But since I never got mugged, raped, or jerked off on by the dude riding the circuit/breaking into sorority houses, and since 3/4 of my living spaces had AC, I basically loved everything about Maryland. Fuck, sometimes I miss Noodles & Co. so bad I want to drive down just to go to Bentley's, pay $13 to have 17 beers, and then get a pasta Fresca. But yeah, I loved Maryland. But I never had a moped. So maybe I'm missing something here.

In the last I think, two years, three athletes, THREE, two in this year alone, have gotten in accidents on scooters, and basically fucked up their athletic career. Let's review:

Travis Reed, who was a freshman when I was a senior and was supposed to be the saving grace of our lacrosse team, was arrested and charged with a DUI in April of 2008 when cops found him riding a motorized scooter at 2:30 in the morning, shitfaced, with weed in his pocket. He was suspended I want to say four games, and as the Terps' then leading scorer, it kind of sucked for us. We lost to Navy, 5-4, I'm pretty sure we lost to Hopkins. I mean, the fuck? How do you even explain that one away? I was arrested at the 7-11 on Knox Road for driving a scooter drunk? People get arrested on Knox Road for breaking into people's houses and beating them with crow bars (true story). Jesus Christ.

Then there was our offensive lineman this year, Pete DeSouza, who broke BOTH HIS LEGS when he was driving a motorized scooter near Stamp (our student union) and a dude turned left and slammed into him and he fell off the scooter. He was a freshman who had started 3 games for the Terps' first football team in like, 4 years NOT to suck balls. He was out of the rest of the season. This was in October.

AND NOW...Dexter McDougle, a redshirted freshman cornerback will not be attending our first fucking bowl game since 2008 (Military Bowl against East Carolina) because dude was on a scooter with another teammate, it hit a bump, he fell off and broke his clavicle. You can deal with 400lb dudes slamming into you, but you can't conquer a fucking curb? I mean, what the fuck Maryland?!

When I was in college, no one rode scooters. We either left a half hour early and walked our asses to class, took the circuit and risked having an old townie dude expose himself to us, or paid to park in the parking garage by Susquehanna/got a $100 ticket so we didn't have to walk in the snow. None of this "motorized scooter" shit. IT'S A GOD DAMN MOPED. What happened to the whole "fat chicks are like mopeds" thing that kept everyone from owning/renting/buying/riding these things!? Why has this become a fucking pandemic at Maryland? Fear the Turtle? No, fear the fucking UNEVEN PAVEMENT.

Waiting for the basketball team to annouce Gary Williams is in traction because of a motorized scooter incident outside of Comcast Center. Jesus fucking Christ.


  1. my comment has nothing to do with this post, but i didn't want to comment in your much earlier (and relevant) post, lest you never get to read it. just some words of encouragement and admiration from a big fan.

    okay, i'm a girl and i sorta..okay a lot... love you. this is coming from a 100% straight girl who has a very amazing boyfriend. i stumbled across your blog yesterday and can't stop reading. i love your confident, who-gives-a-shit personality. girls just wish they were like you.

    in this day and age of supposed gender equality (i mean come on, the women's suffrage movement was 90 years ago!!), our society should not have any more of these stupid double standards for men and women. women should be able to enjoy sex as much as they want and not get shit for it. so i applaud that you not only wrote this blog, but that you aren't afraid to come out and admit that you did. so props for coming out and dishing all your dirty escapades, allowing me to live vicariously through you (kidding), and making me laugh hard.

    i'm not a jersey chaser and never will be. but hon, do what you like. haters will hate, but you'll be having fun while they stew in their judgmental opinions. so here's to you and me and women who aren't afraid to own their sexuality!

  2. Thanks so much chickie! Really appreciate the feedback/support! Glad you found the blog and I hope you keep reading :)