Tuesday, December 14, 2010

My Issues with Harvard Football, Part II

So here I am, laying in bed after I had just banged hockey dude upon my return from LA and the Puppet Playhouse. And I decide it's now fucking imperative I explain the sitch to this Harvard dude, David, because he's still texting and calling and making plans I have no intentions of being a part of. So I'm all hung over, and I write something along the lines of this:

"Hey Dave,
Sorry I missed your text, was out last night (I left out the fact that I was banging a dude who had just been pulled up to the NHL. Thought it was unnecessary ha). Listen, I think I need to give you a heads up and let you know my situation here. I think you are a really great guy - funny and smart and good looking. But for me, it just wasn't there and I don't want to keep leading you on that something will happen. I think I am still a little hung up on my ex that I told you about, and I'm just not in the right place for this. It's not fair to waste your time when I just know in my gut this isn't going to work out. I don't want to be a dick and just blow you off or anything because you really are a genuinely sweet and good guy and I think you deserve to be told the truth, so this is it.

I hope you understand and you're not mad. If you'd like to grab beers again sometime, let me know. Take it easy."

Totally appropriate and civil "I don't want to be your fuck buddy" e-mail, particularly for a ONE DATE NOT EVEN DINNER, DRINKS thing right? Maybe even a little too explanatory? Yah, apparently not.

I get an e-mail back the next hour. Something along the lines of "I am shocked, I am sick to my stomach over this, I thought you wanted to date, I thought you were interested in me, we kissed before you left, you made it seem like you really wanted this. I can't believe you're doing this, I AM a nice guy and YOU are just too obsessed with toxic relationships and I'm not an asshole and you only worship asshole guys which is why you don't like me. I can't believe you, if you think I'm a nice guy I don't understand why you don't want to date me. You're lying, you don't think I'm a nice guy because if you did think I was a nice guy who was good looking you'd obviously want to be with me."

Ok, so, after I made sure there was no like, bomb virus attached to this e-mail, i seriously must have read it like 14 times. Shit is fucking CRAZY right? I mean, we went out ONCE, ONCE, and like I said, I was so shitfaced I would have seriously made out with a hole in the wall. And if I expected to "date" every dude I had merely made out with in life, I'd be on "boyfriend" number 78378433. Fuck, I don't even expect a return phonecall from dudes I try new sexual positions with! Let alone dudes I randomly and drunkenly make out with. Fuckin A man. This wasn't like true love. I think at one point during the date I left him at the bar to go hit on another dude. I mean, let's be real.

So now I'm kind of annoyed and mildly terrified. I question whether I did do something wrong here. Did I really lead this fucker on? Looking back, no, not really. Like, I feigned interest and gave thought to maybe giving him a second shot, but it's not like I was all "hey I love you I want to be with you". I barely even spoke to him the whole date because I more often than not had a fucking beer pint in front of my face.

So I send another e-mail back.

"Listen Dave, I'm sorry if you felt deceived but I don't think I really did anything to lead you on. Yes, you are a very nice guy, and you are good looking but it's just not there for me. Have you never met a girl you thought was nice and cute but just not been interested? I believe they are called platonic friends. I can't force myself to like you, and it wouldn't be fair to either of us if I did. I'm really sorry but this is how it is."

Within an hour I get another e-mail back, extremely similar to the first one. "You're too into toxic relationships. I can't understand, I thought you wanted this, I care so much about you, I want to be with you, please give me another chance to prove myself worthy."

Now, I've done some fucked up shit in my life to get a guy to fuck around with me on the regular, but this? This was borderline "mother of God, I'm going to end up kidnapped and forcibly dressed in a wedding dress" kind of shit.

Now I'm stressed because dude knows where I work. He knows my last name and if his e-mails are any indication of his general attitude toward anything, this could be a serious fucking issue. I send an e-mail back.

"Dave, I am sorry you feel this way, but if this is the case, I think it's better if we don't talk anymore. I'm very sorry. Good luck."

You'd think a dude would get the hint, right? This isn't me sending mixed signals, this isn't me being all coy and shit. This is me blatantly being like "dude, I'm two seconds away from busting out a restraining order".

Nope. NOPE. Dude continues to hold out hope and decides to give it the old college try...again....and again....month after month....

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