Friday, December 17, 2010

Random Question of the Day


I got an e-mail today from Toby (that name always reminds me a Jack Russell Terrier) asking if I'm religious, and if so, what religion.

One moment, please.

BAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

On serious note, no, Toby, I am not religious. I went to Catholic grammar school from kindergarden to 5th grade, and they were the single worst years of my childhood.

I grew up Catholic. We did the "drag Stef kicking and screaming to church and let her take a My Little Pony so she can make it through" thing in my family. I said my prayers, I used to pray to St. Thresa a lot because then my mom would cut a rose from our rose bush outside and leave it at the door and I thought it was MT being all cheap floral Santa on my ass.

I stopped being religious, or at least feigning religious faith like the rest of the population of the town I live in, when my dad died. My aunt is a nun, and my dad's side of the family are all holy rollers for the most part. And they kept telling me God had a plan for my dad dying and this was how it was supposed to be and God thought my dad was a wonderful dude so that's why he chose him for the kingdom of blah blah blah blah Jesus loves you blah blah blah. But all I saw was my mom, upset, crying, devastated, not knowing what to do or having a plan, and I said fuck this and I realized organized religion is a crock of shit, in my opinion. Also, my dad was kind of a dick, so if he was the type of dude who got in on the Heaven thing, why the fuck would I want to go hang out with a God who valued my dad's outlooks, behavior, attitude, etc?

My best friend is gay. I own a hot purple vibrator. I've had more premartial sex than certain porn stars. I eat meat on Fridays during lent, and if I stepped foot inside a church today I'm pretty sure my feet would start to burn. I mean, honestly? Everything about my life goes against Catholicism, and most other forms of Christian organized religions. It's not that I'm atheist - I'm not a total egomaniac that doesn't believe that hey, maybe there's something out there bigger than us. But do I believe that the same dude who managed to create the world in 6 days also hates gays? No. Do I really think the dude who managed to create the entirety of humanity also was a dick that invented shit like the Holocaust and 9/11 and wars and tragic deaths just to "test our faiths" because dude gets all self conscious about people not believing in him? Uh, no. Do I really, honestly believe if God is as almighty as the Bible says, he would include "worship me before all others" but not "don't rape people" on the big list of important worldly laws? Uh, that's a big negative. There's a huge difference between faith and religion. Religion was created by a group of men who wanted to scare the shit out of other people so they could get rich and have control. Faith? Faith is something you figure out yourself along the way.

Perfect example. So if you're Catholic, and you get a divorce, you in theory, can't get remarried in a Catholic church. My uncle had this situation back in the 70's or 80's. The Church officials, as he was walking out of the rectory, then called him back in, and said if he paid $5k, they'd look at his divorce as an annulment and allow him to get married in the Church again.

Now, I mean, was that money going in God's bank account? Does God have direct deposit? You're telling me that God forgives divorce (aka adultery in the good book) for a MONETARY FEE OF NO LESS THAN $5,000?! What's the running Godly rate on child molestation, because I'm sure there are a lot of Catholic leaders who'd be willing to dig deep in their pockets for that kind of forgiveness. Please.

No, no religious beliefs for me. I believe in being a good person, doing things because they are the right thing to do, not because I'm terrified if I don't God will smite my ass. I acknowledge that I totally fuck up a lot of the time, and I figure if heaven is a place where people can't have premarital sex, where gay people don't have a VIP pass, where there isn't a Pleasure Chest within a 2,000 mile radius, and I have to hang out with old dudes who like to touch little boys all day, who the FUCK wants to go there, anyway? If God doesn't want to kick it with the gays or the premarital sex fans or the people who don't have the time or money to go to church and donate a shit ton of cash to anti-equality legislation shit, personally, I don't want to kick it with him either.

To each their own. You believe in Jesus and miracles and Noah's Ark and Jonah and the Great Fish, dude, that's your prerogative. But I think it'd be pretty damn hard, and down right hypocritical if I sat behind this Mac and said "I am totally a warrior of God, I believe in Jesus and the Bible and am a Catholic".

But, if nothing else, if there is a God, I'm pretty sure he's made it very clear that he's a Yankees fan. Just sayin...

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