Monday, December 27, 2010

What You Wouldn't Do For a Canadian Maple?

I got to talking with one of my buds about how important it is to enjoy the sex you have and how I almost always enjoy it with athletes. However, she reminded me of this.

I had been dating my baseball player for a long time. I was basically incapable of having pleasurable sex, for reasons stated in past posts. It was neither of our faults, just compatibility issues. So we were at that point that a lot of relationships get to where we had sex once a week and it sucked. A lot. No interest whatsoever. My vibrator and I had a more intimate relationship. So pathetic.

I was in Canada visiting him one night (well, for a week). He woke me up at like, 3 in the morning, nuzzling my neck and rubbing my thigh.

"Sleeping," I mumbled.

"C'mon, Stef," he whispered, having no idea that there was literally nothing he could do outside of having a face transplant (so mean, I know) to get me in the mood to bang him.

"Sleeping, tired," I said, not even opening my eyes.

He rolled over huffing and puffing.

I was a bit more awake now, and I got up to go to the bathroom. I came back to the bed and laid down. He was very clearly still awake, laying on his back, annoyed.

"I'll make you a deal," I said, rolling over. "You go to Tim Horton's and get me a fajita wrap and a Canadian maple donut and I'll give you head.

"I'm not going to Tim Horton's for you," he said.

"Fine, then you can take care of yourself," I rolled back over and tucked my ass back in.

There was a few more minutes of silence.

"Will you come with me in case the drive through is closed?" he asked, finally.

"No," I said. "Not part of the deal."

Poor dude went to Tim Horton's. And yes, I held up my end up the deal. Mildly gross after the fajita wrap, by the way. Dude's dick probably smelled like a Chipotle afterward, but whatever, couldn't deal with painful sex that night.

This is what happens when you end up dating a dude and staying with him only for the uniform. You end up being a hooker and trading sexual favors for FOOD. Seriously. Jersey Chasing, why you shouldn't do it for the team.

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