Monday, January 31, 2011

The Big O

Once again, snow has ruined my reschedule second date. Now it's rescheduled for Thursday. I seriously can't buy a break, it's gotten to a point where it's almost comical..

Anyway, I had a funny conversation with my college buds the other night about faces you make during sex. Not you, specifically, asshole, the random you. Anyway, we were bullshitting and I thought of some funny stories that came up with that.

I've def. slept with a few athletes who have made some shady ass/faces and sounds. One hockey player used to try to talk dirty and he stopped speaking English completely, to a point I felt like I was in the movie Braveheart. Sometimes his tongue would hang out of his, not hang out of his mouth like, you know when some people think really hard or are concentrating on something and their tongue comes out to the side of their mouth? He used to do that. While speaking Scottish.

Soccer Hottie's O faces were hot, regardless. Dude never looked bad or awkward, particularly when he was naked, so I mean, what do you expect?

I've definitely had sex with some laxers who look like they are in severe pain when the finish. A lot of clutching, I've wound up with some bruises on my thigh or ass or shoulder. But while I've had some dirty talkers in my life, I've never had a Sex and the City moment like Charlotte where some dude has called me a dirty little bitch whore or whatever. Thankfully, I've missed out on the insulting sex.

But how about my faces? Much like other girls (and don't even lie you do it and you know it bitches) I get paranoid about how I look during the fuck. I mean, I've faked enough O's in my life (sorry dudes, good luck guessing on that one) to have practiced that look in the mirror a few times to get it right when it's not real, but I worry about the real thing. But actually, one of the funnier stories comes from a few months ago, and it's not really an athlete...but this guy I've hit up for sex in embarrassingly honest ways. Like, I'd call him at 2 in the morning and literally be like "hey i'm coming over be naked in 5". Then I don't talk to him for four months. Anyway, I went out on a Thursday with some buds a month or two ago, and then I hit this guy up because I was wasted. I go to his place, it's mildly awkward catching up since it's been like 6 months since we last saw each other. Good times.

We fuck, and I'm drunk, but he's dead sober as he has a normal job and life. Anyway, looking back, I'm a little paranoid. I was drunk and totally not on my game with the faces or maneuvers, and I'm actually thinking my sounds were probably terrifying as well. Drunk fucking when only one of you is drunk is totlaly difficult and not as fun as when you're both drunk, because when you're both drunk, you overlook the stupidity of kicking over the lamp or having issues getting into a position or constantly needing water. But when one of you is drunk, they see all the retarded shit you are attempting to do that you're too drunk to do.

My big downfall that night (though I'm sure he could probably give quite a few others) was dehydration. Because when you drink and you fuck, you get cotton mouth SO quickly. I was DYING. And I was trying to breath heavy and like, be hot and everything but my mouth was just like a fucking desert. And I think I asked him to go from behind just so I could like, not face him while I was trying to get fluid running to my mouth (no dirty jokes here), and he said something like "I wanna make you like missionary", which at the time sounded really hot so I was like AWESOME...but then he'd try to kiss me and I was mortified because I was like, lapping for moisture int he air like a dog.

Dude left for work at like, 6 the next morning, I told him I'd let myself out. I think I left at 10. I was so hungover. I'm pretty thankful the lights were off, because that might have negated some of my like, "I'm dying of thirst while we fuck" faces.

The O face is hard. I think my normal one is pretty good. I don't think I scrunch the face that much, and I think I sound okay (soccer hottie has been a vocal supporter when it comes to anything he's heard in person or via phone). But what even constitutes a good O face? Like, do guys pay attention to that shit? I do. I get nervous if a guy makes a face that looks pained or a face that screams "I'd rather be playing Call of Duty Black Ops right now".

Best O face for a guy in my opinion? Teeth together, intensity, eyes open. I hate eyes closed O's, it means you're thinking of someone else you fucking asshole. God, even when I fuck guys who I don't find particularly attractive, I try to focus on parts of them that I do find attractive. In college, I banged a dude on the regular who really just was not hot in the face, at all, but his body was insanely amazing. I used to stare at his shoulders and arms because they were amazing.

Thoughts on O faces? (I'm so happy my mother doesn't read the blog ha).


  1. could always tell my ex's O face cause she would bite her lower lip and just look me in the eyes very intently.... and could always tell when she was faking cause it would be alot of moaning and screaming....

  2. by far one of the funniest posts you've written! "I was mortified because I was like, lapping for moisture in the air like a dog." hahahahaa!!

    thx for the laugh.

  3. It's cute that girls get paranoid over this. But honestly, most guys are concentrating on just getting the girl off and reveling in the satisfaction of it.

    For me, the look on the face isn't nearly as important as the sounds and body movements. There's a whole spectrum of those too. Screams, writhing, moans, bucking, whimpers, pillow-biting, mouth-covering, rigid-body, need-to-be-hugged, and they're all great.

    Real or fake? If I can't tell, I don't care. :P