Monday, January 3, 2011

Friends who Facebook Stalk FOR Me

Hola shady fucks! I missed you lots. Decided to start this week off with a little bit of a shady happening with hockey. Sometimes, I think this shit is fate, I swear.

So, backstory - in fall of 2008, I was dating my ex-boyfriend. He was still in college, I had graduated. And I went up to visit him one weekend at his school. He lived in house with some laxers, some field hockey bitches, and some hockey dudes.

They had a party one night, and some of the hockey dudes had come upstairs and were partying with all of us. I started talking to this one guy, Aaron. He was super hot, and he was from Vancouver. I sat next to him all night and literally tried to stretch out a conversation about my love for Tim Hortons to like an hour long in depth chat session and flirtation. My ex was SO pissed. I remember I got up to get Aaron and me another beer (because I'm hospitable, duh) and my ex was all "you're not even going to get me one?" No, dude, you were chubby. You could afford to walk off a bit of the beer. Sorry.

Anyway, when my ex broke up with me and like, shattered every piece of heart I had (and you wonder why I'm the cold shady bitch I am today? HEARTLESS), Aaron stuck in my head. He actually helped influence me to check out the minor league rosters for the Islanders and Rangers and got me involved with the drunk Canadian hockey player I ended up getting with for a while. Because Aaron was HOT. And tall. And he had played in juniors then decided to play NCAA. And did I mention he was totally fucking bangable? Yah. So he sparked the whole hockey interest in me. I remember my ex called me in a stupid semi drunken mostly jealous asshole rant one night like a month and a half after we had broken up, and after he had seen my Halloween pictures (which included me in underwear and me hanging out with the hockey dudes) and he was all "WHY ARE YOU HANGING OUT WITH ALL THESE HOCKEY GUYS" and I wanted to be like hey dude, thank yourself for introducing me to Aaron Volpatti and the hottness of Canadian hockey.

Anyway, ex laxer dumped my ass, and I went all typical girl on the situation.

"I NEED TO DELETE EVERYONE WHO IS FRIENDS WITH HIM AND WENT TO HIS COLLEGE FROM FACEBOOK" I screamed at my sister in tears. Terrified, she obliged, because I couldn't do it myself without losing 12 pounds. So my sister deleted all my ex-laxer's friends and all his college buddies. Aaron included.

Tragic, because eventually, when I realized how much fucking better off I was without ex laxer who decided to be all Van Wilder, I had deleted Aaron and couldn't really justify REfriending him at that point. However, I did end up readding one of my ex's roommates/friends, and he just posted this on Facebook the other night:

AARON PLAYS FOR THE CANUCKS NOW. How did I miss this?! I knew his last name and everything, and somehow, I didn't realize he played for my Nucks!

Seriously, shit is fate. And you should check him out, Aaron Volpatti. He is way fucking hot, and got skills, and now he plays for his hometown team. Too adorable. I'd totally bang him in a heartbeat, and then silently brag about it in my head to my ex about how I should have done it at that party. Hey, better late than never. Maybe when they'e up playing the Isles/Rangers I'll make an attempt to hit him up and be shady. I think he's still on Facebook. Gotta check that shit out.

GOD, SO HOT. So many fucking missed opportunities all because of my ex laxer. BOO ON HIM.


  1. make life easier

  2. Okay, you need to start at least 50% of your posts with "hola shady fucks"! LOL, I am dying over here!

  3. The Canucks are bush league....real talk. A lot of douches play on that team, and that's all I'm going to say about that...

  4. oooof, would love to hear the backstory there...

  5. Got a few but the one that sticks out in my mind is about a guy that doesn't play with them this season but his rehtardness still is talked about in the hockey community. My bro lives in Vancouver and was at a high end bar/restaurant a few Nucks were at after a game, this idiot was sooooo drunk he was wondering around the bar with his cock out asking every girl that walked by him if they would suck him off. The manager had to come by and ask him to zip it up and keep it in his pants.

  6. Oh my God, tell me it was Todd Bertuzzi and I'll DIE

  7. Just threw up a little in my mouth.