Monday, January 10, 2011

Hottie Roster of the Week

So this week's HRotW is dedicated to the EPL. I picked some of my favorite dudes who I happen to think are hot...I decided to do an EPLcentric Hottie Roster of the Week after watching the Tottenham/Everton game last week. It's always so hard going through roster pages for these fuckers though - they look super hot drenched in sweat running for the ball, but look like mildly retarded deers in headlights in their official pics. Terrible. So enjoy you British loving bastards.

First up, I'll go with a good ol' boy from Jersey. Timmy Ho has been on the request list for a lot of you guys, so I thought I'd throw him in. He's not exactly on the top of my "fuck at first sight" list, but I've chilled with Timmy before. He's a good dude with a solid personality that makes him hot. He also plays like a fucking baller on Everton, and made the US proud when he said "FUCK YOU" to broken ribs at the World Cup this year. Plus, he's from NJ, and according to him, he and Mike Bradley are the only two on the USMNT that know what a good bagel is. I don't think Mike Bradley eats bagels (he survives on the souls of little children and the castrated ballsacs of refs who make a call against him), but I'd trust Tim to make a fair judgement call on a bagel or a slice of pizza. He also dresses like a typical Jersey boy, so you know...gotta love him. Here's Tim and me not too long ago. He's a really, really nice guy, all around.

Next up, Joe Hart. Now, here's a dude who is hot in certain pictures, so we'll give him the benefit of the doubt and just say he's hot and sometimes takes shitty pics. Hart is the goalkeeper for Man City and was also the England keeper when Robert Green decided to let the strength of a four year old's soccer kick from Clint Dempsey roll into the goal during our first game of the World Cup. Anywho, dude's got some skills. He won the Premier League's best goalkeeper in 2009/2010, and he had a solid outing when he was on loan to Birmingham City. He won a shitload of awards and has made a solid mark on the EPL scene. Plus, he has peroxide dyed hair and doesn't look like a fucking psycho, so...I mean. I'd bang him and then ask him for Robert Green's number. WHAT? Green's hot too.

James Milner is next on the list. This guy has a jawline that could kill a great white shark, but overall he's pretty fucking hot. He, like Joe Hart, plays for Man City as well and the English National Team. He's played for Leeds, Newcastle and Aston Villa, and was part of a 26 million pound deal (I don't know how to make the pound sign on my laptop) between Aston Villa and Man City. He isn't a huge goal scorer, but records a shit ton of assists, mainly, I assume, because he looks like he's on steroids and could run over a God damn bull. I feel like he's the type of guy who's veins pop when he fucks, but I'd give him a shot.

David Bentley looks hot with longer hair, but he has that English proper look to him that I find mildly attractive. Like, overgroomed kind of. I'm so lame. Anyway, Bentley plays for Tottenham Hotspur and the English natty team (dude, the USMNT better watch out, because I'd totally fucking bail on them for the ENT at this point), and he's played for Arsenal and Blackburn previously. Dude's not like, a huge contender in the EPL, but he's made waves and I think right now he's on medical and looking for a loan. He has a small mouth but doesn't he look like he'd fuck like a royal?

Matt Jarvis is a dude I'd go short for, only while he was playing. Like, he'd have to be in a full on game, naked, with me latched on to him, and then I'd do it. But I wanted to include him in the HRotW because I mean, that's kind of an awesome scenario. He plays for Wolverhampton and I like him because he's all mental. If you ever watch him play, you can see he's thinking, which I mean, I guess if you were a lot shorter than most other dudes on the field, you'd have to always be thinking of your next move. Sad, but true. Anyway, I promise if I ever get the chance to bang Matt Jarvis while he's playing a game, I'll video it and Youtube it. That might be the only time I'd ever be willing to make a video of my sex life, because it would just be so much more than a sex tape. It'd be like, a fucking Youtube sensation.


  1. I am beyond jealous.

  2. No Kevin Doyle. Are you certified insane - that guy could fill your mouth so you can't fucking squawk