Monday, January 31, 2011

Hottie Roster of the Week

So I've watched the movie Miracle like, four times in the last 6 days because I've had off and had some serious writer's block, so I decided to dedicate this week's HRotW to college hockey. This might get me put on a sex offenders list, seeing as some of these guys are like, 19, but the beauty of college hockey is guys can be sophomores and still be like, 23 because they play juniors first, then go to college. So it's not as entirely creepy as it sounds. Please don't arrest me.

Anyway, Maryland didn't have a hockey team (Nik Caner Medley was enough of a fighter for all our sporting teams when Iw as there), so I don't have to worry about being bias.

Enjoy, fellow pedos!

First up, Scott Kishel. Only three years my junior (legal), Kishel is a defenseman for the University of Minnesota - Duluth (the first time I saw miracle, someone had a UMD shirt on in a scene and I thought it was Maryland and I was like Maryland doesn't even have a hockey team...good times Stef). Dude has pretty solid stats and was drafted by the Montreal Canadiens in 2007. I'm not sure how that works with him playing in college, but sure. Dude is way hot and I'd totally go Mrs. Robinson on his ass. Also, this is the only fucking picture I could find of him, sorry it's this big.

Mike Montgomery takes the next space. Dude is also a D man at UMD (not Maryland) and has a serious case of the Paul Walker character from Pleasantville. He looks like the all American banger, like he definitely says sir and ma'am, but then bangs like an all star in the back of a truck. Can't you see it? I totally can. He's the captain of the team, he won a shit ton of awards in Minnesota, AND he's my age! Born in 86 baby. Wooo, no Dateline specials for me on this one.

Uh, this one will def. get me on Chris Hansen's watch list. Dude just turned 19 in September, but 19 is legal, and 5.5 years is nothing once he hits his 20's. ANYkiddietoucher, Brian Dumoulin is a defenseman (god, NO hot forwards) for Boston College. He's got good stats as a D man, with 1 goal and 21 assists in 42 games last year. He was also selected by the Carolina Hurricanes in the 2009 entry draft. He's American, from New Hampshire. Ladies at BC, fucking make a move on this one. And if you don't, give me his dorm and I will totally come statutory this fucker in Chestnut Hill. I'm a creep.

Carl Hagelin is next up. Carl here is only 2 years younger than me, welcome back to the 1980's, Jesus. Anyway, Carl plays for the University of Michigan and was drafted by the New York Rangers (holler he'll be close, and he's old enough to drink!) in 2007. Carl is from Sweden, which is why he looks straight out of the Village of the Damned, but I find that attractive (see every other hockey player I've put in HRotW, starting with Andrew MacDonald and Karl Alzner). He probably speaks broken Engrish and I picture him saying "yah" a lot, but whatever, I'd totally brave the slums of Detroit (I know UM is in Ann Arbor, work with my bad joke here fuckers) to puck this kid. also, he looks hot at the press conference. I love dudes who look hot post game.

And finally, a guy I would totally put on this list just because of his fucking name, Podge Turnbull. Now, my friends who know me and my types will look at this picture and know immediately why I find this guy attractive (and I hate the reason but unfortunately it's true). People who don't know me or past relations, well, just go with it. Podge (imagine having sex with this guy and saying his name? Oh Podge, yeah, yeah, your cock feels so good Podge...this poor dude?) is a senior at Wisconsin and he's also of the 80's - 88 to be exact. He was drafted by the LA Kings in 2007 and check it out, he's a forward! Way to break the streak, Podge!

Update: Totally added Podge on Facebook. Woooo creeper.


  1. hah, I was going through this post wondering if you might mention someone from my school. And you did. I'm pretty sure Podge has a girlfriend. I've also heard rumors that he's not the nicest guy. idk, I've heard that our hockey team is full of sleazes. That's why I was kinda surprised when you mentioned that hockey players seemed to be the least likely to cheat...or something like that?

  2. oh also, i think his real name is joshua. so you could moan that instead. slightly better.

  3. He is SO hot...any way to write another article on him????

    PS. Love your work!

  4. This boy goes to my school and I always stare him down in History class! He actually is one of the nicest guys and is pretty funny too! So, I don't know what the first comment was talking about!