Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Deep Thoughts

Ah, alright, finally back on track after a very randomly bad week. The only good thing is I got my iPhone finally which means I can blog in transit from now on.

Let's start with reflections. Second date went really well. Do I think we'r egoing to end up dating? Honestly, probably not, and here's why - I have figured out that all this jersey chasing has SEVERELY damaged my whole "play it cool" thing. The whole "have patience and just got with it and see what happens" mantra. Why, you ask? Well let me tell you...

I don't date. I fuck around with guys and have a good time and develop more of a friends with benefits situation with guys than I ever do a "going steady" type of thing. And I like it that way. It's predictable and stress free. Soccer hottie, PERFECT example. I love hanging out with him when we hang out. I love texting him and shooting the shit and sending him nudey pics. I love hanging around him and his buds and I love his personality. But when we aren't together, I don't dwell on it because I know EXACTLY what the situation is and has always been for the most part. There are no random thoughts of "why isn't he calling me" or "where is he" or "what does he think about me". We established the situation from the beginning. And while there was one little hiccup where feelings came and went, for all intent and purposes, it's been fucking perfect. Great sex, good conversation, fun games and trips and no drama whatsoever. Even when he fucking told me he had a girlfriend, NO DRAMA. It was as cool and laid back as it possibly could have been for Christs sake.

This is what it's been like, for the most part with every athlete I've been with. NHL guy is an exception because we/I tried to find a relationship there. But when it didn't work out, we went back to being totally cool and laid back. But the key thing is here I've always been totally aware. Aware of the situations, of the expectations, of the limitations, the feelings, and the schedule. I like being aware. I like reliability and predictability, and while some might not get how you can accomplish this with guys who you AREN'T dating, believe it or not, it's way fucking easier to plan a night or a weekend with one of these dudes than it has been to plan a date with the laxer of late. Case in point - it was easier to plan, book and execute a one night stand in Europe with SH than it was to plan dinner after work with said laxer. Why? I have no fucking idea.

Anyway, we went out last night, and I like the dude a lot, probably more than any guy I've chilled with lately, but there are loads of mixed signals and a lot of unpredictability. And since this isn't like another athlete situation where it's bang 'em and call it a night, I can't establish ground rules. I can't ask what this is, or what it will be, like I've been able to do with other athletes. Because with other guys, I can say "this is totally just for fun" and that's what it is. But with this? There are like, feelings involved. And you just don't ask "what are we" after 2 dates. That doesn't make me aware, it makes me psychotic in the eyes of the "dating" Gods. And that in and of itself is driving me FUCKING INSANE. That I can't basically just come right out and say "look, I like you, I'd be down to be exclusive, what's your take"? Apparently, that's now how normal people proceed in the dating world.

Why? I don't get it. I LIKE being aware. Okay, I like fucking having an idea about certainty. I like knowing whether someone's into me or not, if they just wanna fuck or actually like my conversation, if they wanna hold my hand or rip off my underwear, if they are banging other chicks or just me. I like knowing all this because then it makes life a lot easier, a lot less uncertain. I don't have to sit and stare at my GOD DAMN PHONE for 2 hours wondering WHY HE ISN'T TEXTING ME after he got a really fucking nice panty pic. I just, like, knowing. And I don't buy this bullshit of "it takes time to know if you really like someone". Please, I can tell on the first date if a dude is worth my time or not. FIRST, DATE. Wanna know why I never have a bad second date? Because dudes who I don't like don't get second dates. The only one who ever got a second date when I really wasn't into him, was Harvard Dickhead, and we all know how that turned out. So you can't tell me you don't know if you wanna date someone after first impressions. First impressions don't change - you either like a person or you don't, can see yourself banging said person or you cant, and see yourself watching a chick flick on the couch with no makeup with them on or you can't.

So yeah, now I'm in a situation that is very reminiscent to a lot of scenes in He's Just Not That Into You, where I've consulted 34 people about possible reasons he isn't following up. Where I've dissected every God damn text to a point it doesn't even make sense anymore because I've read it so many times. I've gotten everyone's opinion on whether it seems like he's interested or not - you know, except his.

Dating and me, we don't mesh. I need certainty. And awareness. And this just isn't cutting it. Right now, I've figured out I need either an athlete who makes it clear they are just there to have a good time, or a guy who is as batshit as I am that can announce after a first date "I want to be your boyfriend". This whole in between , indecisive, let's not text you for five days after we hooked up bullshit, not flying with me.

So yeah, athletes? They may have a shit ton of flaws, but reliability, predictability, certainty and an overall sense of PLANNING, never a problem. I'm not a fan of this whole situation. And now I remember why I stick to the athletes, aside from their bodies and well groomed looks. Fuck.

PS, that's my favorite picture of me angry texting someone who was, at the time, blowing me off.

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