Wednesday, February 16, 2011

From the Slut with the Proud Mom


So I originally posted this last night, then deleted it because my mom was all "just ignore it". But after a lot of thought today, I'm going to address it. If this is terribly confusing for you and you don't get it, it's because you're a good, normal person with a life who doesn't lurk in train stations stalking people.

You want to fuck with me? Be my fucking guest you piece of shit coward. You want to fuck with my mother? Dude, pray she doesn't catch you because she's worse than me. And if you plan on fucking with either of us again, here are some tips:

1.) Get a fucking printer that works. That shit looked like you printed it out on a 1982 demo printer. I could have WRITTEN THAT SHIT more coherently. God, I will fucking leave directions to the Best Buy in Westbury on the windshield the next time you want to anonymously leave shit on my mother's car. I was embarrassed for you. Seriously, if you're going to stalk and harass someone, at least get with technology. Buy a goddamn ink cartridge! Maybe some Adobe, Photoshop? Even ransom note cut out letters. Your stalker note resembled a seismograph chart.

2.) You accomplished nothing. You thought you blew up my spot with my mom? Like my mom didn't know I was PUBLISHING A BOOK? You fucking retard, my mother has lived with me for 25 years. She's normal, she doesn't pretend her daughter is an innocent virgin. The only thing you did was give that poor fucking decrepit printer of yours a heart attack. I'm sorry you wasted the LAST DROP OF INK on this piece of shit "letter". What are you, in the movie Heathers?! Mean Girls? Fucking pathetic.

3.) I park at Mineola. So since you are someone who clearly has enough time on their hands to stalk and lurk in a Long Island train station parking lot, I'm sure you have more than enough time to stalk MY car in a parking garage. You have no life. Do you realize you will be able to look back on that moment in your life and say "I stalked someone in a train station parking lot, anonymously"? Like, I'm sorry, I've done some fucked up shit in my life, but nothing that would even size up to how pathetic that is. Even the GC cop I called about it was like "wait...someone left something on your car in the train station?" Like, the POLICE were embarrassed for your lack of a life. They probably wouldn't even arrest you if they knew who you were because they'd pity the fact that you're a fucking retarded loser.

4.) I don't know who you are. I have a couple of fabulous guesses, but the main guess is that you fall into three sterotypes of this fucking town:

a.) The creepy, overweight mother of some lacrosse or soccer star I've banged and blogged about. You wear Lily pulitzer, thinking the bright colors and psychotic patters hide the 76 extra pounds of TIRE ROLL around your gut. You would probably have sex with yours son if it were legal. Here's a clue - if you managed to figure out who your son is on this blog when names aren't used, it says a lot about the fact that you can pin point your kid's own Dbaggy behavior. And guess what? Fucking me didn't make them that way. The penny loafers and bowl cut youe xposed them to as a child probably did. You probably have daughters too. Daughters you assume are less "slutty" than I am. Nah. I went to high school with your daughters, or girls like your daughters. They have had 2 abortions, had to take that infamous "5th year" at college via Nassau Community College because they partied too hard and had a drug addiction. Probably coke. Your kids drive drunk and are genuinely huge assholes that will become overweight in the near future, just like you.

b.) Someone I went to high school with? I mean, if this is the case, I'm thrilled. If it's a guy, you probably are balding and still wear cargo pants from old navy like you did when we were in 6th grade. You are barely 5'8" and I wouldn't hook up with you right now no matter how fucking "popular" you were in high school. As for the ladies? Yah, we went to a high school where you didn't have to be hot to be "popular". Sucks that the real world ain't as forgiving when it comes to acne, obesity, bad hair and genuinely whiney voices, right? Get the fuck over yourself. I'm sorry you gained 400 lbs in college. I'm sorry the only people who will bang you are the guys we have known since 2nd grade. I'm sorry you've gotten knocked up at least once, probably BY the guy we've known since we were in 2nd grade. Because you went into the world out of high school and couldn't find ONE PERSON who would have you. One person outside your "social circle" to fuck. So you came crawling back to this town and banged a guy you've known for 15 years. Totally respectable. But guess what? I'm still skinnier than you.

c.) Angry town wives. This is debatable, but I'll throw them in for good measure. Look lady - I'm sorry you're overweight. I'm sorry your husband would rather ive you an unlimited expense card to waste at Vera Bradley and Lily Pulitzer than be naked with you for 10 minutes. I'm sorry you're husband is probably cheating on you, and picking up the 21 year old interns he's cheating on you with, in my bar, in my presence. But seroiusly, if you spent more time trying to lose weight and find one ounce of self respect, instead of wasting your time and money on getting the perfect maniucre or hair color, maybe you wouldn't be so fucking miserable. Guess what? NO GUY IS LOOKING AT HOW PRETTY YOUR FINGER NAILS ARE. But that back fat that hangs over your bra? Kind of noticeabe. I'm sorry your sex life sucks. I'm sorry you have to focus on mine just because a.) I have one and b.) I enjoy it. But go buy a poolboy Join Jenny Craig. Do something with your life other than judge me. Just remember - I didn't choose to not go to college, marry rich, and then choose a Mercedes and a lifestyle over fidelity and dignity. I'm sorry the last job you probably had was at the Tastee Freeze in 1967, and that you have no discernible life skills so you HAVE to stay with your cheating asshole of a husband because if you don't, you'l be homeless. You made your bed. Lay in it. And stop fucking around with the one I have, because mine is comfy and I like it.

5.) Slut? SLUT? You have to be fucking kidding me. Did you feel witty? Clever? What, though it'd really hurt me down to my core? "Oh God, this anonymous person who lurks in train station parking lots thinks I'm a SLUT. They're RIGHT! How did I not see it before?!" Give me a fucking break. It's very clear your vocabulary is limited to the 5th grade, and that's insulting to a lot of 11 year olds. You couldn't hurt me if you tried. Calling me a slut is like calling someone dumb. it holds no weight, no water, nothing. Go buya fucking thesaurus and get a new insult, because not only did you waste your fucking time, but your printer hates you for using the last ounce of life it had in order to execute the lamest and most unoriginal "insult" known to mankind. Original and witty insult FAIL.

6.) The fact that you did this shit anonymously says everything that needs to be said about you. You call me a slut? Well fuck you. I put my name and face to EVERY opinion I have. I am proud of EVERYTHING I have done, said, written, and fucked. My life is amazing and that's why I am willing to share it with people. You? You were fucking CREEPING in a parking lot and anonymously put something on a car. Even Meter Maids leave their god damn shield number n the ticket when they put on on your windshield! You are more of a fucking pussy than a METER MAID!!!! You don't believe in your opinions enough to say them out loud to anyone, particularly the person you're attempting to insult. You're a fucking coward with no balls. You have a problem with me? Think I'm a slut? Totally fine. But man up and say it to my face, don't leave a cryptic note (and it was cryptic because it was ghetto, not because you're smart. I know people in Hempstead with enough money to print something out in color. Seriously, go to Kinkos, it's like 11 cents a copy you cheap son of a bitch) and think you got away with something. Your opinion is uneducated, unfounded, and based entirely out of jealousy. And the only reason you are too chicken shit to say it to my face, or even my mother's is because you are either a fat dirty slob of a woman and you know we'd tear you to shreds based on your looks alone, let alone your education, personality and life, or because the whole thing is based out of jealousy. Jealous I'm attractive, jealous I'm in shape, jealous I'm educated and have a shit load more opportunities at my door than you or your kid does. You're fucking pathetic. And rest assured, if I EVER find out who the fuck you are, I am taking out a five page spread in the GC News detailing how big of a fucking loser you are. With color pictures, a concept that seems to evade you.

Seriously, kiss my fucking skinny ass you piece of shit. You think you embarrassed me or my mother? My mom goes "I was just happy it wasn't a parking ticket. I couldn't even read it it was so blurry". That's what you accomplished - my mother and I feeling sorry for your lack of computer skills and your general lack of a life. So congrats. Thanks for the fan mail. No fucking sweat off my back. I'm not going away. The blog? Not going away. The book? Not going away, come hell or high water. So take your pathetic anonymous opinions and your mildly creepy and psychotic illegal behavior and go fuck yourself. Thanks a mil.

PS - for those of you who seriously doubt ANYONE could be so pathetic as to harass someone in a train station parking lot - here is the note. The top reads "You MUST be very proud of the SLUT you have raised!!". They copied two posts I did - one on Eliza Kruger and Mark Sanchez and the other about O Faces. They bolded two lines - "I just fuck a lot and drink, totally cool" and "Thoughts on O Faces? (I'm so happy my mother doesn't read the blog ha)". Yeah, really making a statement. I got a fucking D+ in computer science in college and this makes me look like I graduated with my BS in computer technology and development. Mother of God.


5 comments:

  1. "Fucking me didn't make them that way. The penny loafers and bowl cut you exposed them to as a child probably did."

    BWAH! Best.Quote.Ever!!!!!

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  2. I disagree...I feel like "I am still skinnier than you" is the big takeaway from this post:-) Made me bust out at my desk!

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  3. Dumb. The note, the jackass who wrote it, all of it. I am actually surprised that you would stoop to that level by posting something just as mean and hateful - if not more.

    Clearly they were looking to get a rise out of you. Mission accomplished, I'd say.

    If you are so much 'better' than the person that wrote the note, next time act like it and let it roll off your back. They are not deserving of the time it took you to write this post.

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  4. It's not about getting a rise. It's just about saying my piece. The town I live in, you stay quiet it means you are just taking it. I like to let them know how fucking moronic they are. Call it what you want, but I didn't want this to go unsaid, particularly because it was directed at my mother.

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  5. Ugh, sounds like you grew up with the same type of people I did...I'm sorry they suck donkey balls

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