Thursday, February 10, 2011

The high School Defenses of a 17 Year Old - "Go away"

So I actually got a chance to read through the big story on Deadspin about Mark Sanchez and 'EK" - Eliza Kruger, the high school senior who smokes cigs and hangs out in NYC clubs and bangs Mark Sanchez. Yeah, at 17 I was making out in the backseat of my car (come to think of it, 2 nights ago I was making out in the backseat of my car, obviously not a lot's changed in 8 years), getting yelled at for coming home past 12, and having a panic attack about the first time I was offered weed (and I declined because I don't do drugs. I just fuck a lot and drink, totally cool).

From what I read on Deadspin, the girl contacted one of the editors and said something along the lines of this:

"A threatening email was sent to me from someone by the name [name redacted] who claims to be doing research for you, it regards Mark Sanchez picking up a girl in a club around new years. The tip was originally sent from a [name redacted]. If you could explain what is going on here I would greatly appreciate it because so far I am being threatened w media exposure regarding false accusations and slander."

Deadspin claims they weren't working on any story about Sanchez or EK, and they had no idea who the person she named as "threatening" her was. So this is my first red flag of BULLSHIT.

I hate talking about Karen Owen and the Fuck List, because I've gotten to know her and she genuinely is a cool person so I don't like dragging her into this shit, but when she got exposed, Deadspin contacted her. And she declined an interview. The way this girl worded this shit, it was like she was looking for an excuse to spill the story, but didn't want to seem as though SHE were the one going to the tabloids. She goes on to say she wanted to clear her name since now it was out to Deadspin that she fucked Mark Sanchez, so she gave HER side of the story.

Bitch wanted attention. She fucked Mark Sanchez, went out to dinner with him, and no one cared. No one took pictures of them together when they were at Nobu, no one started a rumor mill about the "attractive blonde seen with Mark Sanchez", no one gave a shit when she posted in caps on Facebook, no one cared. And she was pissed. So she took matters into her own hands, and good GOD she's probably going to regret it now.

You can read the whole Deaspin article here, as much as I hate linking to them because they ignored all of my requests to talk about my blog on their site. Assholes. But regardless, there's a lot of info and it's hard to paraphrase it all. But let's continue.

I also love the fact that she told the Deadspin editor she didn't want to end up like the "Ashton Kutcher situation" with the "girl who claimed she like, had all those affairs with him and stuff".

God, I might use a lot of cuss words and say like a lot, but she's laying on the high school lingo and tone THICK man. She makes Cher Horowitz (if you don't know who it is you're too young to be reading my blog you asshole) look like Margaret Thatcher.

Moving on. So our dear little EK has basically said this : someone from Deadspin threatened her, which is why she is contacting the EIC at Deadspin about her hookup with Mark Sanchez. No one at Deadspin is threatening you, he responds. "Oh, okay, well let me tell you about my hookup with Mark Sanchez in my own words now that you know I hooked up with Mark Sanchez," is her basic reply.

She sounds like a winner.

Moving on. She talks about Mark texting her on random Wednesday nights and being all "let's hang" and her being all "I have a Global History exam tomorrow and if I don't pass midterms my college revokes their offer". She goes on to say he's a super sweet and genuine and he's really kind. All total reasons to blow the poor fucker up on DEADSPIN.

Now she gives proof to the editors at Deadspin. Pics of Sanchez's house, his computer, some football helmets.

And here is the kicker. The next red flag of bitch wanted her 15 minutes of fame and didn't hook up her lies in the right order. This is what she said to the Deadspin editor when confronted about the possible story:

"Well I'm still "close" w mark and he knows about you so jets pr was like here how's you handle it, I don't want to betray him but I don't want to let him play me like this, if this comes out like I technically sold this then I can risk any jobs or college in the future. They may not want me if I "sold" the story. So publish what you no and ill just be like it was a deceitful friend of mine. You no? So my future isn't ruined but mark doesn't get everything. He is a genuine person but not necessarily good to women. You know?"

Ok, so she doesn't want to betray him? What she REALLY means is she wants to betray him, get famous for the story, but not look like a retarded famewhore so she wants Deadspin to pretend one of her friends e-mailed them so it doesn't look like she leaked the story herself for notoriety, so Mark won't stop talking to her. College may not want her, you "no"? He is a genuine person but not necessarily good to women - aka, BITCH GOT DUMPED and wanted revenge.

Good GOD, she is bad. Take it from me, okay, I know what revenge looks like. I know what getting dicked over by a hot athlete feels like and how bad sometimes you'd LOVE to tell the world how big of a fucking asshole they are. But then you grow up. Even on here, I make fun of a lot of dudes, and Harvard Dickface got a LOT of heat, but Harvard guy has no name, no fame, no one knows him but my friends. I changed a LOT about him to save his ass, and therefore no one but his fat balding ego was hurt. This girl wants it all though. She wants to be in with the Jets, and Mark, but get the fame for it, especially when he dicks her over. This is like Mean Girls; Gangreen. Does she have a fucking burn book?

Okay, so time goes on and now Deadspin wants to follow up. But suddenly EK is all "like, I can't like, do that there's like, no like story here."

She then went on to be really fucking mature and harsh with Deadspin's editor and said, "go away".

Bitch threatens to sue because she's 17 and they need consent to publish shit she says. Uh, you're mixing up the law of libel and the law of statutory rape sweetie. Totally fucking priceless.

Then Deadspin goes all "fuck you you made your bed (with Justin Bieber sheets) now you lay in it bitch". She gets a lawyer to say they can't publish shit because it's private details between two people. Obviously this guy graduated from the Lindsay Lohan school of law, because if the teeny bopping bitch is giving the details, Deadspin is all groovy with printing them.

This story is long and sordid, but here's my serious take. I knew girls like this in high school. They smoke and never went to class and crashed the Mercedes their parents bought them and had 2 abortions and thought they were awesome because they had huge tits and a good fake ID, when in reality they couldn't even spell Fake or ID. We all went onto college and managed to not go to rehab or jail, while these bitches floundered in the Community Colleges of Long Island and fucked a lot of losers and dyed their hair loads of different shades of black and blonde. They still smoke, and they still go 'clubbing'. Any of those girls would have given their left fake tit to land a dude like Sanchez because it would have meant they a.) didn't have to worry about not having anything past a GED, b.) they could spend as much money at A/X and Gucci as they wanted and c.) they can afford the REAL hair extensions. This is this chick. She saw an opportunity and thought she was savvy enough to "capitalize" on it. Bitch isn't savvy, she's 17. Guaranteed if that were a word on the SAT she'd get the antonym wrong even though she is a perfect example. So she tried to get famous, tried to get Mark to love her and stand by her amid this "scandel" where she was receving "threats" and instead she fucked up in the lying department (she obviously doesn't hang with Regina George) and got caught for her own asshole ways. And now she's trying to hide face because Mark probably was all "fuck you you gold digging teeny bopper". So now she has no Mark Sanchez, no fame, no money, no title as Mark's GF, and probably no friends because she was on the verge of throwing them under the bus by blaming them for the story. And by the way she writes her e-mails, something tells me her college career isn't beginning at the halls of Harvard.

I feel sorry for this girl, in a way. She is a product of the generation in the sense that she sees the Kim Kardashians and the Kendras and the Posh Spices and even the Karen Owens and thinks "I can be famous, too" even though she has no social skills, no life goals, no potential college career and a reading and writing competency of a 3rd grader (I'm being generous). And I know a lot of you are probably reading this and going "what a fucking hypocrite", but no. I'm sorry, yeah I wrote a book about my sex with athletes and yeah I allude to some teams, but I think we all know this blog and book isn't about me bragging about guys like Mark Sanchez. Further, I chose to do this willingly. Yeah, I tried to get away under the radar for a while, but I realized how much worse it would be in the long run and I owned up. If I'm going to do this, I'm going to do it proudly. This girl? She had NO idea. She thought it would propel her to instant stardom and make people think "wow this girl must be special if Mark Sanchez is taking her to Nobu". No. No. Those of us who know how athletes work know that just because a guy fucks you doesn't mean you're special. In a way, this reminds me of Soccer Hottie's GF. Girl def is a little delusional when it comes to how much Soccer Hottie is HER man, considering you know, he cheats on her. She wants to think she's the only one and special enough to keep his attention and the title. No. Wrong. You just are the home spot. There are plenty of summer homes in his real estate market of women. And this is the sitch with Kruger. She wanted to be special, Mark was probably all like "sorry I would like to date someone who can actually spell know" and she went vengeful bitch on him, not realizing it would fuck her over as well.

On the flip side, I don't feel sorry for her at all. She made her bed, she has to now lay in it, 17 or not. She is old enough to foresee consequences and just because she's a blonde doesn't mean she can ignore them and hope everyone else does too. Bitch wanted to be famous? Now she will be, but for far different reasons than she hoped. She wanted to be viewed as the special, heart broken ex girlfriend of Mark Sanchez who deserved our sympathy and pity, and instead she wreaks of desperation. Daddy issues? Perhaps. Whatever it is, 17 or not, she's old enough to get fucked in more ways than one. Hope the Dirty Dirty was worth it, Eliza.


  1. "With Justin Bieber Sheets", Priceless.

  2. I only read the NY Post article and my one and only real thought was "poor little rich girl," dying for attention. I liked how when contacted her mom was like, "we're trying to shut this whole thing down." Kind of hard to do when your daughter starts the train on the track.