So I was thinking today about how much fucking easier actresses and singers have it in the game of jersey chasing (bitches), and I came up with a list of women that I was surprised didn't have a record of jersey chasing in their fame riddled dated life.
Taylor Swift. Swifty annoys the fuck out of me. I actually liked her when I first heard her in like, 2007, and since then, I feel like she has become a fucking My Little Pony. Her songs to me are just fucking terrible. It's like she just writes her journal. Shit doen't even rhyme. Here, I could write a Taylor Swift song: We met at the dance and you held my hand and then I was past my curfew and my mom was so mad and she said I couldn't see you no more. And I said you don't understand, we're in love, parents don't get our lives, so we ran to the car and we drove on for miles and we found an old barn and we snuck on inside, and then we kissed for a while and you put your hand on my boob and I said no not 'til marriage and so you left all annoyed, and I cried. So I went home to mom and she said I told you so and I said you don't understand and she said what did you expect and I said I just want to be free.
TA DA. Put it to a twangy country background tune and you have a Taylor Swift song. Anyway, Swifty has dated some random dudes 0 One of the Jonas Brothers, Taylor Lautner, Jake Gyllenhal (where the fuck did that one come from) And Johnny Depp's ugly twin brother John Mayer. And now apparently she's having a blog of enchanting compliments with the dude from Owl City, the band that sings that annoying as fuck song Fireflies (I'm full of bitterness today, huh?). Not one jersey! Bitch has the prom curls and southern face (even though she's from PA) to attract any baseball player from the midwest and still she avoids them. Or they avoid her. I'm not sure. I'm not surprised that like 4/5s of the guys she's dated have had one gay rumor about them - Joe Jonas, Taylor Lautner, Jake Gylennhal, and I personally think the guy from Owl City looks like Stefon from SNL's Weekend Update, so I'll throw him in as well. And John Mayer has made out with Perez Hilton. So I mean, wtf? Swifty doesn't strike me as the type who likes sports anyway. I could see her being all "Can I bring my magical princess Pony set to the arena with me?" So maybe it's best if she sticks to the questionable 'Mos. Leave the athletes for me.
Megan Fox. Okay, polar opposite of Swifty. If I could have her body, I would. I once took pictures for an exboyfriend (I'm lame we already had this discussion though) and I modeled the pics after her FHM spread. Bitch is hot. I hate that tats though. But here is a girl who, while her acting skills are limited, is bangin and to me, kind of seems like a bad ass. I feel like she might have had a few calls from some athletes and for some reason she turned them down and then ended up marrying DAVID SILVER from Beverly Hills 90210. And not the new recent one of the CW. The old typical 90s one a la Shannon Doherty.
I find January Jones to be classically beautiful. Not a lot of people agree with me. Her acting skills are decent, and she's got a lot of clout in the industry. So I am kind of surprised she hasn't made a move on any big names in sports. Instead, she was caught in a semi-possible affair with BOBBY FLAY, from IRON CHEF. I mean, Jesus Christ. Fine, he's loaded, fine, he cooks well, but the man is a ginger chef. And he's MARRIED. I don't get it. If I looked like JJ and I had the ins she had, I'd be stalking Brandon Morrow like nothing else.
Miley Cyrus. Ugh, she's up there with Swift also. It pains me that she is as rich as she is. She also dated a Jonas brother, like Swifty. She looks like the love child of a crying pan and a chipmunk. Anyway, now that I'm done being mean (JUST KIDDING), Hannah Montana has had a couple of cute dudes come through. Most notably Liam Hemsworth, the guy that was in The Last Song with her. But unlike her Disney predecessor, Hillary Duff (the Duffster!), Miley has yet to go jersey. I personally hope she never does. As much as I rag on the Duffster, I think that bitch was grounded and she pulled her weight. Plus, Mike Comrie wasn't someone I was ever interested in, so, not a threat! Miley Cyrus has a shit ton of family baggage and personal baggage at only 18. I feel like she might be a turn off for younger players looking to get taken seriously. A-Rod can get hand fed food by Cameron Diaz because he's already gone through the ups and downs of his career. He already broke the records and took the steroids and got caught for said steroids and won a world series. So don't be surprised if you see him at a ballet or yoga class with CD soon, because now he doesn't have to worry about his career. But the youngin's? Who wants to have the Hannah Montana girl - who dresses like she's from Boonetown Florida right outside the Everglades off of I-17 - in the stands? She's too much tabloid fodder. And she's not even worth it looks wise. She brobably bangs like white trash though (she's 18, I can say it). Down home and dirty, her outfits scream "yee haw" in bed to me.
Lindsay Lohan. Lohan is from Long Island. Our soccer teams played each other when we were in 7th grade. It was a big to do to see the little red head who was in the Parent Trap. And now, she gives LI a worse reputation than Snooki does Jersey. However, in her hayday, bitch was a hottie, even for a ginge. Her list of relationships and hookups are weird as fuck, including Wilmer Valdarama (he was on that 70's show as Fez and now he does voice overs for the Bob the Builder cartoon. He's legit.) and Callum Best and Samantha Ronsen. She goes lezzy but not jersey? Eh, again, I think now, she has the same rep as Miley. No one wants to be associated with her or her crackhead mother. But at 18, 19 and early 20, she wasn't half bad, before the terrible busted weave and the meth face and the balloon lips. I'm surprised she didn't go for the big name sports player. I read an interview she gave once about how she loves baseball and loves the Mets. She strikes me as someone who would want to date like a Derek Jeter or an Arod though, and who totally believes she has the a-list name to get into that kind of social circle, when in reality, she has the same rep as a crack dealer these days. Poor Linds. She had such a shot, too...
Lohan pre-drugs and booze:
Annnnd Lohan post binge.