Thursday, February 10, 2011

I'm Chris Hansen with Dateline's to Catch a Predator...why don't you have a seat?

So I got a TON of e-mails about this story, and obviously would have followed up on those tip offs earlier had I not been on an episode of Jerry fucking Springer in my house Monday night and not been playing "how do I subtly tell you I like you without being too crazy and pushy?" with laxer til 2 in the morning last night.

Anypedo, the blogs are all a buzz about New York Jets QB Mark Sanchez shacking up with a girl who's basically still on curfew and may or may not have JUST passed her road test and her SATs.

Sanchez is 24, will be 25 this year - he's the same year as me. The high school senior (possible junior?) in question, Eliza Kruger, met Sanchez in a "night club" in NYC. First off, what night club is this bitch getting into, because I STILL get carded at every bar I go to in NYC and I've had two dudes tell me it wasn't me in my license. So unless Sanchez is hanging out at like, Posh's 18+ nights or some shit, I'd love to know where this girl is sneaking into at 17. After meeting him at the club, she went back to his place in New Jersey and fooled around. She took pics of his home on her phone and submitted them to Deadspin as proof. Nothing screams class like taking pics of a guy's house as proof you banged him. Even I haven't gotten to that point in life.

Sanchez took her out to dinner the week after they played Buffalo. And apparently she told him she was 17, then made him aware 17 is totally legal in NY. Ballsy, I must say. She was basically saying "no, it's totally cool, you won't go to jail if you fuck me". Layin' it all out there.

Look, can I judge the bitch? I mean, this whole blog is about fucking around with athletes and repeating the stories for shits and giggles. I met Mark Sanchez one night at an SNL after party at my bar, and he was cool enough. But even I didn't pursue that shit. Something about Mark just weirds me out. But at 17, I can see the draw. I mean, who wouldn't wanna brag about bagging this guy at 17? I get it.

But what I am not a fan of is the fact that she didn't use the story for fun. She fucked him over. Sure, Mark got himself into the situation by banging a 17 year old to begin with. But in my stories, I don't sell out the dudes. Some people may guess and think they know, but I will obviously never confirm or deny. I want to sell the stories without fucking the guys over, without using their names to get attention. This chick went and gave the story to Deadpin by way of using Sanchez's name and trying to hide her own with initials. I tried that once. We obviously know how that turned out. As Tucker Max once said in not so many polite words to me, "you're trying to cheat the system". Bitch was trying to cheat the system. And now everyone is Googling her and knows who she is and what she looks like, and I don't think she is ready for it. At 17, who is? Fuck, at 24, when I consented to getting outted, I had to pop like 10 Xanax, drink a bottle of wine and I lost 10 lbs. I couldn't be a Twitter trend for fucking a guy at 17. Sorry.

Aside from that, I don't personally think she's that hot. At all. Like, no. A lot of people say that about me, which is fine, to each their own, and maybe she's hotter in person than she is in pics, GOD KNOWS I can sympathize there. But she looks like a typical girl in high school who probably still wears a Pooka shell necklace and plays field hockey. Dude can bang a lot of hotter, less controversial chicks in the world. I don't really see what the worth was in her. Something tells me she wsn't full of insightful thoughts or educated prose. Unless you consider chatting about episodes of Glee and Ke$sha intellectual. Darn kids these days.

And finally, the big issue I take with all of it, is yeah, she's 17, and yeah when I think back to where I was in my life at 17, looks wise, education wise, knowledge wise, common sense wise, clothing style wise, I don't know why anyone over the age of 20 would want to even associate me, let alone fuck me, it's NOT illegal. 17 is the age of consent in New York. 16 in New Jersey (not surprising, Jersey guys are pedos anyway). And in the grand scheme of things, Sanchez is only 7 years older than her. If she were 22 and he were 29, no one would give a shit. But the "teen" thing has everyone up in arms, when in reality, it isn't a big deal.

Sanchez will be fine. He did nothing illegal, there's no reason for the NFL to reprimand him (I mean, fuck, Ben Roethlisberger set the bar way low at this point, as long as you don't kill a girl after you sexually assault/rape her you can still play), and this will die down. I hope the girl enjoys her fifteen minutes of fame, because I have a feeling she's going to get more slack for this than he will. And Sanchez is an NFL guy - he's used to media attention, used to rumors, used to snarky comments. Most people in high school have issues being a rumor topic on Facebook, or are upset when the "popular" kids make fun of them. This bitch just brought the might of the entire internet upon herself, and will probably be dealing with the backlash. In a way, this reminds me of the Duke Fuck List a bit, except Karen Owen (who I like very much, personally, she's a way cool chick actually) was funny. And didn't try to push her shit out there anonymously and fuck those guys over. And she managed to take the brunt of it and move on in a dignified way. She's also 23. And she didn't invite the backlash on herself. This chick just did. I hope she's prepared for it. And I hope Marky Mark was well worth it.


  1. This whole thing is gross and frankly, disappointing, although not surprising. While you know I love you (not in a weird way, but in a writer way), I disagree that the age thing isn't a big deal. In my opinion, there's a world of difference between a 22 year old dating a 29 year old and a high school student/17 year old dating a twenty-four year old. Maybe it's my experience, but you do a lot of growing up and maturing in the years between 18 and 22-mainly by leaving home, going to college, and living on your own. The fact he knew she was 17 and wanted to hang out. Come on. WTF could they have "talked about," prior to hooking up?

    This is just gross, although I suspect it won't have any impact on his career.

  2. In a way I totally agree with you, Court. There's a lot of maturity difference between 17 and 24, that's not even a question (like I said, let's even just discuss the proud wearing of a pooka shell necklace, then vs. now ha)...but i mean, at the end of the day, it's not illegal. And I think if she were 18, it'd make all the difference in the world in the eyes of other people. Which is retarded. What's a year in that case, you know?

    And i also agree that he took a big risk with the 17 thing, especially since she claims he originally said "I can't talk to you until you're 18". I find it mildly fishy that he took her word on the age of consent and risked basically being arrested and booked as a sex offender.

    I'm wondering if she's bullshitting about telling him her age? I mean, I could see her lying. She's in a club which might mean he assumes shes at least 21. I'd like to hear his side of the story because I just don't think he'd risk the sex offender status for a piece of blond, very vanilla and plain jane pussy. It's very questionable indeed.

  3. Sidenote - don't ever like, apologize for disagreeing with me. I'd be mildly concerned if everyone that read this blog agreed with me 100% of the time. I come up with retarded thoughts. I appreciate their validity being challenged lol. We don't have to agree all the time for you to post your opinions and have your say as well. :)

  4. Mark Sanchez has a lot to lose...too much so to be fucking around with a 17 year old. I mean, teenagers FB update/Tweet every detail of their life...he can't be surprised she took pictures as "evidence". It wasn't illegal, but it was fucking stupid. Can't he bang a Carrie Underwood look a like, that's his own age, like every other football player?

  5. Agreed that being 18 wouldn't have magically changed anything. When I first read the post on the Daily Beast that didn't say anything about her disclosing her true age, I assumed since they met a NYC club on NYE that he presumed she was at least 21. Then, when I read the NY Post article and she disclosed and he was like, "we can't do anything until you're 18," I thought all kinds of weird.

    I wonder if he's got performance issues. He's a decent looking guy who presumably could find tons of hot women/models/actresses in NYC who would love to hang out with him-and can drink legally. Why in the world would he choose to hang out with an 17 year old??