Saturday, February 26, 2011

On a Serious Note

Here's a bit of a departure from the normal humor and sex thoughts, but every now and then I like to change it up and prove I have a heart. Someone once told me I should learn to let my guard down and since we all know that's never going to happen in person, I figured I'd give it a shot in my writing.

I have to get in the shower in a few as I have this birthday shindig for my bestie's boyfriend, so I'll try to keep it short.

There have been many guys in my life. Many. Not just sexually, either (though many there too ha). There have been a lot of loves in my life. Some that were epic, some that were borderline stalker (Nick Schommer. No, just kidding. Sort of..). Some that were all made up in my head and some that meant more than I really understood at the time. I spent four years of my life trying to get over one guy. It was the longest four years of my life. And I swore I would never, ever let another guy fuck up my life like that, particularly because I had eventually learned it passes. It just took a long time. I refused to ever say "I'll never feel that way again" because I had said it once and was proven very wrong. I know that I will feel that way again. I have. But just not on the scope. Yet.

There is one athlete in my life that was on track to be the next four year heart breaker. But I pushed it so far away that I couldn't feel it. By that, I mean there was an almost immediate cut off. It took a lot to really pull it off, but I did everything to just create a life where he couldn't even exist. New friends. New job. New boyfriends. New hookups. New ambitions and goals. A new cell phone. I created a life where he honestly didn't exist in the least. Sometimes reminders were creep up, ironically always in the form of new dates who happened to move in the same circles and what not. But he didn't exist anymore. It was as if the time I had with him had never existed. A year of my life just disappeared. I didn't ever want to account for it.

I have done a really good job of getting past feelings there. There are three athletes I can thank to really pushing life forward for me there (NHLer, Soccer Kid). But I've had two days this week where I've been bombarded with thoughts about this guy and it's like I'm getting punished for trying to cheat the grieving process. Like when you try to shove everything in a closet instead of actually cleaning, and eventually the closet unhinges and that shit is more of a mess collectively than it was piece by piece. That's where I'm at right now. I spent a lot of my day, embarrassingly enough, thinking about what it was like to be in a situation like I was in with him. I mean, I've forgotten. It's hard for me to believe there was a point in my life I acted the way I did when I was with him, did and said the things I did. And it's not that I would ever, ever want him back in my life. I could probably have him in my life if I wanted - just not the way I had wanted way back when. There's a reason I never took on the roll of supportive friend. I didn't want him to have a place in my life. He had his place, and it didn't exist after shit ended and I wasn't in the mood to push my life around to figure out where I could put him. And that's the annoying part. If I had my choice - to take back the year or so I had with him, or actually have him back in my life, I'd go with the former. I don't know if that makes me a bad person or not. You're supposed to be grateful for every opportunity but that one left such a shitty taste in my mouth that I wonder how much better off I would have been if I had called the shots early on and ended it like I wanted to, or not started it at all. Not sent the e-mail, not made up the lie, not gone out for beers. I don't like the lingering effect this had on me. And I definitely don't like when it creeps up on me on some idle Saturday making me question shit. And as much as I've tried and at times succeeded and pretending this guy never existed, I am not fucking Harry Potter and I can't erase reality or change the past.

I think the biggest issue I have is the idea of not really knowing someone. You spend so much time with someone and you care so much about them, you ignore the shitty parts of them. Or the rumors. Or the moments where in your head you think "wow...that's a pretty dick thing to do" but ignore it because they treat you well at the time. And then it all changes. And they are not the person you thought anymore, and make it clear they may have never been. And then you over analyze and we all know that shit can fuck up an entire day. What ifs and all that BS. There is no what ifs here. It's more of "why didn't I"s. I'm wanting my time back - and not to replay it with him, but to change the fact that those moments ever happened.

Ugh. Annoyed. Alright. I have to shower, I smell like sliders and beer. Hopefully tonight will pull me out of this shit storm of emotions. I think I need to change my pill or something, I've been overly emotional as of late and it's not boding well for anyone. I need it to be next month. US Soccer's in town, Hoboken is on the map. Soccer booze and Jersey. Should be a disaster. February just isn't my month.

1 comment:

  1. Wow...I think you just summed up how I have been feeling and thinking for the last 5 months of my life. My ex broke it off with me in Sept, and I still struggle every day. And everything you said rings so true with me...sometimes it's easier to pretend it never happened at all. Obsessing over what if's, and why it went wrong. It seriously fucks with your head.
    But...this also tells me that #1, I'm not alone and #2, I will get through this and get past it. Someday...
    Thanks for writing this. It really hit home with me.