Saturday, February 12, 2011

US Soccer - Not really threatening on the field, but fun to look at

So as promised here's part I breakdown of a couple of the guys I find most attractive in the US's current Player Pool. Now, since camp was just in January, and the team is kind of in transition, what with the older dudes on their way out and the band of semi-legal newbies making their moves in, there are a lot of options to look at. Part I will be most of the well known names.

Let's start with the elders.

Tim Howard will always be a staple for the US team, until someone replaces him (that sentence is retarded, whatever). I don't personally find Timmy to be super attractive in the conventional way, but if you ever watch him in a game, he's pretty commanding. I've met Tim and he happens to be a really nice guy in a lot of ways, and I enjoyed my time chillin' with him. Not to mention, his World cup performance was insanely awesome. We just happen to have shit defense for the most part (sorry boys, you know I love you off the field) and you know, lameness happens. But dude stood up and said a big "fuck you" to broken/bruised ribs and played through. Timmay! Tim has tourettes and normally I'd be a bitch and try to find a picture of him tweeking out, but I'll give him a break today.

Carlos Bocanegra. According to many (myself included most of the time, though i go back and forth on 2 other players), Los is arguably the best looking guy on the team. On top of being admittedly really fucking hot, dude is also the captain. He is Captain America. I mean, if that doesn't pick up the ladies, then he's hanging out in a lesbian bar. Anyway, CB is on the ends of his US tour, which saw him promoted to Captain in 2007 and has seen him through stints in the EPL and Ligue 1. He also made every fucking magazine last summer as world's hottest soccer player lists were cropping up all over the place. He plays well, he has a good presence on the field, he has all his hair which makes him more likable than Landon Donovan, and he also has a very good media presence. While I don't think he's as strong of a player as Larry, the reason I think Bob made him captain and has kept it that way is because he is a good leader and he's respected throughout the game, unlike LD who has some uh, issues...there. Los is also a fun dude to hang out with. He kidn of has a Ben Stiller thing going on, and he always sounds like he has the flu, but I'm pretty sure his looks make up for whatever minor flaws he has. Plus, he's never banged Jenn Sterger.

Steve Cherundolo. I love love love Steve. Steve isn't like, drop dead gorgeous, but spend a day hanging out with him and you will wonder why every guy wasn't born equipped with his personality. He is a really nice guy. Like, insanely nice. He is a really awesome player if you ever watch him, as well. He's captain of his Bundesliga team, not a bad accomplishment for an American playing over there. He is probably the most genuine and sincere of all the guys I've met/know on the team, as in he is not a dbag at all. Steve's personality makes him entirely bangable, BUT he has a very lovely wife named Mandy, and so we can just admire from afar.

Robbie Rogers. I've had a crush on this kid for a while, despite the serious case of gay face. I had to Youtube a video of him getting interviewed (not hard because apparently dude now runs his own website titled Not, God) to see what he sounded like, because I could totally see him having a bit of a swish voice. But surprisingly he doesn't, and the second I heard him talk I was like, eh, I could totally get on this. He looks like a Kennedy. He is VERY all american, much my type, and I once hit on him shamelessly on Facebook but he wanted none of it. I'll probably try again eventually. To m knowledge, he is single, so why not. He also went to Maryland, albeit for like a year, but he is a Terp and therefore I must like him for that reason alone (let's not talk about my attempts to defend Nik Caner-Medley's career simply because he was a Terp. My devotion to my alma mater is borderline pathetic). But I'd def. bang him if opportunities arose.

Michael Bradley. Dude should have been cast in the movie version of Twilight, because this fucker is far more brooding than Robert Pattinson. His pained stare can make the happiest of happy people want to commit suicide, slowly, while listening to the cure and watching Schindler's List and Atonement. From what I've seen of him, he also has limited game with the ladies (though he is now engaged, which to me is surprising but kind of not, to a Miley Cyrus look-a-like), but he has mega game on the field. I like him a lot better with hair, personally, I don't like the whole bic your head and look like a q-ball situation. Larry can't help it and here he is shaving it all off. It's like when I see women who get breast reductions. But yeah, I dunno if I could deal with the "I'm a robot built to play soccer and have no emotions" situation he has going on. If he and Posh Beckham ever had a kid, she'd basically give birth to two lips in a frown.

MB with hair:
MB Sans hair:

Oguchi Onyewu. Gucc is WAY hot. If you've ever seen him in person, dude has a commanding presence. I never like him with the beehive facial hair thing he had going on during the World Cup, but yeah, Gucc is like, a man's man. He had a shitty run during the World Cup but he is also one of those players that gives the US a presence in world soccer, so you kind of need him around. My friend Liz is in love with him, and rightfully so. He is definitely a good pick for dudes to use your vibrator to.

Jay Demeitt. This one is for Jock, though he would have made the cut anyway. Jay Dem is what Jock and I call the love child of Flea from the RHCP and the Geico caveman. There is some neanderthalish quality to him that makes him hot. He has a bad ass thing going on about him too with the tats and the look. I like how he plays and I've had the pleasure of hanging with him once or twice. He's really really funny and surprisingly pretty worldly. I like his style, though to this day I do hold one thing against him, to which he is unaware. We won't get into that.

Heath Pearce. Heath is insanely hot. I'm sorry, he looks like the lead singer from the Killers, he has great hair, great body, and he's wildly eccentric. Dude is so much fun to hang with and bullshit with. A little awkward, but I definitely think he's hilarious. I think he may have been one of the first guys I thought was really hot on US soccer, as a matter of fact. Maybe? I don't remember, it's been a while. Anyway, Heath is also a really good guy with an actual heart and while Bob B kind of dicked him around with the US thing, he had a solid year with FC Dallas and kind of pulled a big fuck you to Coach Skeletor. Heath is also legitimately the only dude I would bang with a mustache.

Benny Feilhaber. Holler at the jews reppin sports! I don't know why I said that, I'm not Jewish. But it's always good to see Jewish dudes holding their own, I feel like they get a bad rap in sports, right? Okay, anyway, Benny is a total hottie. He had a great couple of games during the World Cup, and I think may have been the only fucking player to make gloves look hot and manly. I feel like Benny is kind of considered the hearthrob or something of the team, I don't know why, he just gives that idea off. If nothing else, I can guarantee he got a lot of women watching soccer who really don't give a shit about the difference between and offside call and a handball.

Charlie Davies. Okay, I hated Davies with the fro hair that made him look like the kid in High School mUsical (don't even pretend like you've never seen it assholes). Once he shaved it off and cleaned himself up, he became highly bangable. He's now playing over in France in Ligue 1, which is always going to be a help to the US squad getting the boys in the Euro leagues. He played at BC, which kind of made me dislike him since I'm avidly anti-Boston College, but he is a solid player and the US squad would have benefited greatly had he been healthy enough to go to South Africa. I'm not going to get into the whole accident, but I will say that that kid worked his fucking ass off to get to full capacity by June of 2010, and he really is a standout athlete.

Jonathan Spector. Ooookay. Now, this is not my doing. But i know a lot of ladies like Spector. I personally think he has the worst case of gayface in the world. Like, his appearance is equivalent to a sign that says "I love to suck cock". And I know that's really mean (not really, nothing wrong with being gay), but it's fucking true. Dude apparently, so says Facebook, has a girlfriend, so maybe I'm just overly critical, but that's what I see. He has the height and clearly the body and skills to make a hot bang, but I dunno, I'd feel very Gail Haggard if I were to bang this guy.

Jonathan Bornstein. A Mexican Jew. Spicey, and good with money! Just messing (sort of not really). I find Bornstein mildly attractive in a weird way. He has a couple solid outtings for the US team under his belt. I've never met him...I don't think, or if I did I was either crying/shitfaced, so I don't know his personality, but a lot of ladies like him as well.

Clint Dempsey. Ugh, I hate that Clint is marrie,d it's so tragic. he is adorable. He has that "first love in high school" look to him. Like he's not a stand out, totally typical hottie. But there is something about him that makes you love him, like the quiet athlete that sat next to you in AP bio. Like, he's adorable and he plays well, stays out of the limelight. I've never met Clint, but I have heard he's a really nice guy.

Jozy Altidore. I've met Jozy once. I was wasted, he was standing in the doorway of his hotel room in boxers. He has a bangin body and yeah I find him to be super attractive. Perhaps one of the funniest things I heard about him was when Jock asked one of the guys about Jozy being so young, to which a player responded "yeah, that might be bullshit. Jozy has like 19 birth certificates, no one knows how old he is."

Landon Donovan. Larry. For good measure, and for the 9 moms in the world who think Larry is good looking, I'll say something nice about him. For one, he hasn't lost all his hair yet. Second, he's a good soccer player. He has no game, and he'sshort, and he will probably eventually be totally bald, and he reminds me a little bit of Templton the Rat from Charlotte's Web, but he obviously helped the US team do really well in SA. He also is kind of a name brand for US soccer. While there are guys overseas doing their part to hold down the validity of the game on US soil, LD does his part here representing the skills set we have and the quiet love of the game that too often goes unnoticed what with NFL, MLB, NBA and even NHL. So props to Larry.


  1. Tim's on the telly right now as Everton is playing Bolton. Unfortunately at the 66 minute mark, they're down 1-0. But Tim is ROCKING his green keeper uniform.

  2. "I hated Davies with the fro hair that made him look like the kid in High School musical." - hahaha! i won't be able to look at CD9 the same way again.

    and i have no idea how you see ben stiller of all people in bocanegra? you trippin! :)