Tuesday, March 22, 2011

And just when I start to think I "get" athletes...

Tiger Woods goes and fucks it all up. Tiger let the world know that after marriage, his standards in woman dropped way low, to a point where basically if you had a vagina and lumps on your body that could be construed as breasticals, he'd bang you. Extra points for chicks who looked like they sucked cock for a living.

I never got Tiger Woods. Maybe it's because I'm very, very shallow. I judge men and women harshly by looks. Why, I have no idea, because it's not like I'm Claudia Schiffer for Christ's sake, but whatever, that's me. I judge. And I judge a lot based on looks. So when dudes not only cheat with women who are less physically attractive than their partners, but continuously cheat with women who are considerably less attractive than their partners, I don't get it. I don't. Because I'm one of those people who can't really fuck around with people I don't find attractive. Okay, kind of a lie, but Puppet Actor was different, that was purely taking one for the team, for a story and a laugh. If I were dating, oh I don't know, Nick Schommer for example (God Nick, it's been a while), I wouldn't cheat on Nick (seriously, I swear), let alone with a dude who looked like Puppet Actor. I don't care how good of a personality a dude has (sidenote: puppet master's personality was not good), it's not going to make me want to fuck you more than physical appearance. If it comes down to two guys, one who is super nice and considerate and smart and who likes to watch movies with me, and a guy who barely speaks English and looks like David Beckham, I'll tell you who wins the vagina. And this is why I'm single, btw.

Anyway, rambling on. Tiger Woods had Elin Nordegen. Bitch was smokin', okay, like everything a guy wants in life - hot, Swedish, big tits, good with kids, a self-starter, a supportive fan, and a model. I mean, seriously, basically dude won the mega ball and still wasn't happy, and instead wanted to focus on his penny collection. I don't get it.

Anyway, after Tiger fessed up to fucking half of the Hooters waitresses in midwest America, Elin peaced out of team "not really an athlete" and got a whole lot of money in the process. And lately, Tiger's been on the media path, allowing the likes of Jimmy Fallon to mock his choice in women to his face, pulling a "look, poor me, please forgive me, I let people make fun of me!" tour.

And now I think I know why. Because dude is about to come out with a new girlfriend lady prostitute stripper porn star thing. And let's just say Elin won't be sitting in her multimillion dollar Swedish mansion worrying about being outdone anytime soon.

Yes, this lovely runner up in the Texas Meth Face competition 2009 has managed to woo billionaire Tiger Woods. I'm seriously starting to think Elin has like, four testicles or something really hideous under the clothing, because what the FUCK is he thinking otherwise? Like, how do you go from Swedish super model to Wal Mart Employee of the Month (until she got fired for getting caught breathing in the helium tank used to blow up balloons in the back loading dock)? I mean, fine, maybe he limited his options when the world found out he was dipping his peen is the likes of c-list porn stars and Vegas strippers and Sasquatch (aka Rachel Uchitel), but like, he has a LOT of fucking money. A lot. And there are loads of women in the world who are willing to overlook the grossness he probably contracted from one of the many aspiring porn stars he shtooped behind Elin's back for the money. And while they might not be at Elin's level of hotness, something tells me they don't look like they just got busted on the latest episode of Cops.

Yes, I'm shallow, but come on. Bitch is famous for getting a goddamn DUI. Like, this is what the gossip blogs got on her. A DUI. If you're going to sit there and tell me her personality makes up for her looks, you're on as strong of crack as half the bitches Woods boned prior to this chick were.

I just don't get it. Most of the dudes who I know that cheat and are athletes, cheat up. Or at least equal to. I feel like Woods thought quantity would equal quality. Like, 400 really ugly broke down bitches would equal 1 Swedish model. BAD MATH DUDE.

Here's to Tiger Woods - keeping meth heads and porn stars ambitious since 2009.

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