Wednesday, March 2, 2011


Cory e-mailed me today and asked me what's up with Larry (more commonly known as Landon Donovan) and his dating life.

Good, effing, question.

I don't know a whole lot about Larry, or haven't really chatted about his dating debacles since last year in August with some well placed uh...sources. But, there are loads of rumors floating around. Cory (and others) claim to have seen Larry chillin' poolside with some possible card-carrying jailbait. Wouldn't be surprised in the least bit.

Athletes should know better than to go for the youngin's. I mean, Larry is what, 30? 29? Learn from dudes like Mark Sanchez. Legal doesn't exactly equal likable. But, then again, Larry's game is so fucking awful I wouldn't be surprised if the only people who bought any of it were girls who still drink wine coolers in their moms' basement and party at 18+ clubs.

Rumor also has it that LD is using Twitter to pick up ladies. Again, wouldn't be surprised, as both Michelle and I bore witness to his wonderful Facebook game. I don't use Twitter, and to be honest it confuses the shit out of me (says a lot about my ability to figure out technology), but according to some who actually understand the fucking thing, there's a lot of tweeting with a lot of skanky looking girls. Jersey chasers to the extreme, or maybe I'm just getting too old. Maybe I need to start utilizing Twitter to get new jerseys. Jock sometimes checks out some athlete's Twitter accounts. Fuck, I'm losing my edge. Not really, seeing as I've banged most of those dudes before they got on Twitter. I did it the old fashioned way bitches. ANYWAY, rant over. Larry has this whole like, persona of US soccer that works in his favor and helps negate his hair/height issues. I don't get it, at all. Like, there are loads of dudes who play sports that I wouldn't bang, and I ain't that picky, so that's saying a lot. But I guess you also have to play the cards, you know? If you're like a semi-attractive girl with limited knowledge and a curfew, you're going to go after the weaker minded ones. It's like that website Baller Alert suggested - go after the dumb ones who struggle during interviews and can't spell their team's name without help. Larry falls into that category not by his actual intelligence level (I have yet to really get a glimpse of his mind in action), but by his flirtation level. Dude has the game of an awkward 13 year old boy, and I am NOT talking about Justin Bieber. He relies on the "I am Landon Donovan" meme to get the vagina. And women who believe MLS means a whole hell of a lot to anyone in the states. Sadly, it doesn't.

Cory also mentioned a rumor about Larry having had a girlfriend since the separation. If this is true, bitch is dumber than the women who were on Flavor of Love (what just made me think of that show, I have NO fucking idea), because Larry was swinging his little Larry around like it was going to fall off. I don't think that particular rumor is true only because there was so much media about him leading up to the World Cup, and then the whole "Hiiii Bianca" shout out in his nasal voice and then the fake pregnant bitch he boned in England...if you're a girlfriend, you really gonna stick around for the likes of Larry when all this shit is going down? Dude has less hair than a fucking Chinese Crested.

I'll do a little more digging later tonight and see what the whole sitch on Twitter is saying about Larry's dating life. Like I said, Jock gets the Twitter shit so I'll have her do a little investigating and see if I come to any further conclusions.

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