Monday, April 11, 2011

The Best Things in Life

I got an e-mail tonight from Laura asking me what the best part of all of this has been. Part of me thinks by 'all of this' she means the blog and the book. But I'm going to read it a little bit differently.

People read my shit and see my pictures and interviews and they say nasty shit. Whore. Slut. Lacrosstitute (not an insult anymore). Cum Dumpster, tramp. You name it, I've heard it. But I don't give a shit. Because there have been so many moments in the last six years that I wouldn't trade for anything.

My college life? It wouldn't have been anything without lacrosse. Those boys were everything to me. That part in my book, about playing loddies with them was one of the greatest college moments I had. One of the guys on the current team e-mailed me the other day to tell me they still play it. But you know what? That team, that 2005 ACC Championship team, those were my boys. I loved all of them. I loved spending nights with them at Bentley's, or the house on Dickinson. I loved Christmas formals and being the most unprofessional manager ever because I cheered from the table. I loved the fights I got in with them, and the clothes I stole from them. The walks of shame. God, you have no idea the laughs I had over those kids. With those kids. About those kids. Being part of that team, to me, was special. The friendships I got out of that team and their typical laxer attitude? Amazing.

Soccer? If I could relive one moment with any soccer guy, it would be sitting in the shady room in Weehawken New Jersey with Dan Casey and his roommate, Dom, and my two best friends. Drinking warm beer, cheap white wine, and talking about boob jobs and trying to figure out why there was honey in the room (ps that's a terrible pic of me, I'm well aware thanks). With his arm around me, reliving the epic fails of my trip to visit him in Europe to everyone, laughing, constantly saying we were going to go home in ten minutes. Five hours later, we were singing Katy Perry and laughing about Dan's boxers. I said it in the book. That night, I looked at Dan and realized how much fun I always had with him. He was so easy to be around, that even sitting in a makeshift training room surrounded by Gatorade and beef jerky until five in the morning was an amazing time. I might spend the rest of my life trying to find a guy who can make something like that as memorable as Dan did.

Hockey? God, I was drunk with Mac so often it's hard to remember why I kept it up. But he was so none emotional, that I thought I'd never break into him. I'd never get beyond the drunken "what the fuck is he saying" sex. Until Christmas. When we spent Christmas Eve together in a shady hotel (everything revolves around shady hotels, I swear). And talked about our family. And lives. And I contemplated stealing his jersey that was on the couch. Just kidding. Sort of. Not really. Being with Mac was like scaling a really really really fucking tall brick wall. I never ever thought I'd get to a point with him. And then I got to it and I realized how worth it all the shit had been. He was a really, really good guy. He reminded me that sometimes you gotta earn the trust.

What can I say about Virginia lax? I loved Heath. I remember sitting outside out apartment one morning at like, 5am after we had gotten home from a bar. We had broken up the day before, but gotten back together. We were in a park on the West Side, sitting on a bench, facing each other. And all we did was remember the funny shit we had been through that made us love each other. Heath made me feel like I had something that was worth something to other people. And I still remember the night he broke up with me. Like it was yesterday. My mom said it was the most devastated she had ever seen me. And I look back at how far I've come from that night, and who I've become and how strong I became...I don't know if I would have been here if it hadn't happened. I busted my ass to prove myself without him. He will always, always have a place in my heart. But I've learned that that doesn't mean he always has to control it. I learned how to manage what memories I was willing to keep and which ones I didn't want to keep. I learned how to let the pain go without caving in to what someone else wanted or expected. I learned to say no.

My friends. The laughs and tears I have shared with the friends I've made over the last few years have been irreplaceable. We all have friends, we all have moments that no one else understands. Secrets and stories that will forever bond us together to certain people. Mine are no different. I wouldn't have met them or been part of their lives had some of these athletes not come and gone. When I think back to half of the shit I've done with my friends in the name of some fucking athlete peen, I have to are we still alive?

This is my life. This was my life. Maybe I'm egotistical, but parts of it have been so good and so unique, all I've ever wanted to do was share it with people. Make people laugh the way these moments have made me laugh. When I look back over the last seven years, the best parts of everything have been with athletes. Or about athletes. These stories, the shit that makes up the blog and the book - those have been the best parts. Getting the chance to live that shit and then put it down in writing. That's been the best part. Living my life the way I've been living it, and never having to explain it to anyone. There's been a million dues I've paid to do the things I've done, bang the guys I've banged, love the guys I've loved, and it wasn't always easy or fun. But it always ended up being that after. This life, it's well worth it. It might not be for you, but it was well worth all the bullshit.

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