Thursday, April 7, 2011

Body Types

So I'm starting to think I've lost my touch. I'm kinda wiggin' out about my baseball situation, mainly because it's like kind of an awkward triangle where the dude I've known for five years kind of wants to get together but at the same time he was still kind of pushing for his teammate. His teammate is pretty fucking good and definitely going to be a big (literally) player in the MLB very soon. But my buddy is also on that threshold of almost famous, so I'm like....I dunno. Who do I get naked with? I feel like this shouldn't be such a situation but for some reason it's kind of stressing me out. Regardless, I'm pretty fucking pumped to go watch some minor league baseball. You might think it's lame, but it's the cheapest fucking stadium beer you will ever find, and you don't have to pay a grand for on the field seats. Same players and everything.

Anyway, aside from my bajiggity baseball boy issues, a lot of people have asked me about like, body types with athletes and who I've found to be the best. Soccer will always take the cake. Dan (read the book because I'll be using names from now on) Casey's body was hands down the most amazing thing ever. But Alex's and Ian's? Questionable at best. ESPECIALLY during the off season. Ian would get super fucking built during the off season an actually look good, and then the NHL was like gastric bypass. Kid would lose a ton of weight and we looked like the couple that never ate. Alex had skinny fat guy syndrome. When he played, his body was okay, but never great. And when he got released, it was like...he wasn't fat, but he wasn't in shape. He was just like...there.

And then there was Heath who was the opposite of Alex. He was heavy but in shape. It was all very weird, the soccer guys were really the only ones who ever had that typical hot athletic body that looked like it was fucking constructed by the hand of God himself out of marble.

I was always surprised that Ian didn't have a better body. I feel like NHL is pretty grueling with the exercise. Kind of like soccer. Why aren't the dudes in better shape? Like, I recently saw a picture of Alex Ovechkin over the weekend, and I mean, he looks like he'd be an excellent competitor in the national Russian beer pong olympics. Check this shit out:

I mean, the fact that these three pictures alone make me never want to fuck Ovechkin, no matter how many Stanley Cups he wins, records he breaks, or goals he scores, and that's really going against every jersey chasing thing I have in my body. But like, I mean, what is that? How do you play a sport, a professional sport like hockey, and look like you're in your sophomore year at the Delt house? I don't understand. Too much vodka? I don't work out at all and I have a better body than this dude.

And then there are random pictures of him like this, where he looks in shape, and all I keep thinking is that he's probably the male version of Kim Kardashian - like, he has been photoshopped to fuck.

I don't get it. Even Carrie Underwood's prize jersey chasing hubby's body is kind of questionable:

It's kind of sad. I mean, I like being in shape and I like looking hot naked/in underwear. It's kind of a thing. You just don't know how long you're going to have your body for. My metabolism might decide to pack the fuck up and leave this bitch tomorrow, and I might never be able to rock a pair of Cheekies ever again. So I take advantage and try to take care and look good when I'm banging. These dudes just like, I dunno. Fuck, and Ovechkin doesn't even have teef! I feel like fucking him would be like fucking the homeless dude who lives in the entrance way to the 1 train. Fat, toothless, hairy, probably smells like vodka, speaking a language I don't understand. No draw whatsoever.

And not all hockey guys are like that. There's a reason there are so many puck bunnies. I mean, Ian was okay, skinny, but okay. But I've seen some hockey dudes who put Dan Casey to shame. No, not to shame. But could definitely go toe to toe. I just don't get why it's not more common. Do these fuckers drink and party more? Is it a Canadian thing? Too much Molson? FUCK. NHLget it together.


  1. Second I read this post, instantly thought of this..

  2. Some hockey players need a little more bulk to be effective. I played at 6'3" 200, and then "matured" into 6"3" 235, and I was much more effective at 235. I suspect Alex is 240-250 in these pictures.