Monday, April 18, 2011

Grouchey McEyebrows wins again

Not only did David Beckham lose his $25 million lawsuit against InTouch Weekly for saying he banged this Bosnian prostitute with immaculate eyebrows that weighs 17 times as much as his wife (which means like, 160 lbs), but now to add insult to hooker story injury, Becks has been ordered by the court to pay InTouch Weekly's court fees. $300,000. Now do you see why I didn't want to get sued?!

The case was dismissed because Beck's team couldn't provide proof that InTouch wrote the story with malice. AKA they didn't write the story to specifically fuck him over. One reason I couldn't get sued either. Muwahaha.

Anyway, Becks is filing an appeal and still claims that the dates and times don't add up to when Ms. Nici claims she was being paid to play with his balls. My favorite bit is this:

“As is my custom when I arrive at a hotel on a road trip before a match, a massage therapist came to my hotel room within a few hours after I checked to in to give me a massage… I recall that the therapist did not leave my hotel room until the very early morning. My security team was with me before, during and after the massage. After the therapist left I went to sleep. I have reviewed the daily logs prepared by my security detail which confirm my recollections"

It sounds a little too official, but then again it is in a court document and Becks is British. But I feel like "recall" is a much looser word for "remember". Like, you say "recall" when you can vaguely remember something. Like "I recall she had brownish hair". Whereas if you actually meant it, you'd say "I know she had brown hair" or "I remember she had brown hair". Then he said the logs confirm his "recollections". It all sounds a little too indefinite to me.

Again, I wouldn't be surprised if Becks cheated on Vicky. I wouldn't be surprised if her baby (which at this point must be the size of a fucking almond because bitch is like 7 months pregnant and 100 lbs thinner than me) was a newage form of the Kobe Bryant "I'm sorry I kind of raped that chick" ring. These dudes cheat! I have stories galore about soccer, and just because Becks is famous doesn't mean he's not doing it too. Look at Wayne Rooney, Ashley Cole! They all don't give a shit. I think Becks gives a little bit more of a shit than those two, in the sense he's willing to put up the effort to fix the cheating issue as oppose to just divorce or continue to be a dick and ruin his career like Rooney (half truth), but he's David Fucking Beckham. You really think he has only used his penis on one woman for the last 12 years? Yeah, and Santa Clause is real too. Jesus Christ.


  1. You know, Posh looks almost normal in that picture-not freaky skinny like in every other picture. She barely has a bump. Dude will lose his appeal, will pay the fees, bang some other hookers, and Posh will continue designing skinny jeans. Happy Ever After.

  2. Mildly Beckham related... but I am currently reading your book's section on "Larry." OMFG! Embellished a little, a lot, or not at all? Because WOW. What a tool, douchemonster, idiot, all of it. Tiger Woods in the making. Brilliant though, love the book!

  3. hahahahah Larry was no embellished at all. Entirely true story clearly uhh, outside of the sport.