Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Rip Offs

I don't know how many of you read the New York Post. My friend Ryan reads it daily. I find it to be smut. I haven't read it since 2003 when they managed to run the story that the Boston Red Sox won the 2003 ALCS because their sports editors were too lazy to actually watch the end of the game.

Regardless, last Sunday (like, last last Sunday) my friend Ryan told me it was imperative that I check out page 33 of the NYP. Why? Because some bitch went all SWF on my ass.

Not really. But she did write a book called Jock Itch: Misadventures of a Former Jersey Chaser. She's like a C-List celeb on some ABC family show. Unless it's The Secret Life of the American Teenager (aka the greatest drama of our time), I don't really care. Her name is Rosa Blasi.

She apparently married a dude in the NFL and then divorced him, but also dated a hockey and basketball player. She didn't drop names, though something tells me her c-list status would make it easy to figure out who it was if anyone really cared.

I had an absolute panic attack when I found out. It couldn't have been worse timing. And when I saw the cover, I was like mother fucker. But then I realized I liked my cover way better, and her jersey color sucked. And those heels were awful.

She clearly has a lot more PR contacts than I do. Ok, I'm trying to do this like, organically. Or like, grass roots style. That's so not an appropriate term for this shit but I'm going with it. She has a little bit more of the in - NYP gave her an interview. She has PR people sending out releases, she got reviews. Me? I'm anonymously e-mailing radio stations being like THIS IS A GREAT IDEA FOR THE MORNING SHOW (I wish I were lying about that ha). But after reading an excerpt and her bio and the blurb about the book, I honestly was like...who is she targeting?

I'm 25. I graduated college 3 years ago. I still party down in College Park, drink beer at Brother Jimmy's, and puke 400 times when I'm hung over. I'm old, but I ain't that old. The book has a pretty good target audience. It's meant for the 18-30 sector. 30 might be pushing it, but still. I'm still living the life I'm writing about. Still banging around with hot athletes or creepy actors, still chasing jerseys and failing more often than not with my friends. I'd like to believe (and seriously tell me if I'm wrong because it might be an important piece of info) that people relate to me and the shit I write about. That people read the blog or will read the book and say "oh my God I totally had a hangover like that one" or "oh my God i know EXACTLY what she means" or "oh my God that happened to me in college too". Do I really think Rosa Blasi - who is 40? 41? - has that kind of whoever she is targeting? How many people can relate to a c-list actress who has been in Maxim magazine and hangs out at the Playboy mansion? How many people can relate to a 25 year old who fucked a guy with a really big penis and then couldn't walk for a day?

The point is, I still get it. She claims her book is basically a warning to all women NOT to date athletes. What fucking fun is there in that? People want to live vicariously through your writing. Are you going to read a book that talks about the crazy fucking shit you did while on drugs, or read a book about how much it sucked AFTER you stopped doing drugs? Do people really want to listen to a woman in her 40's talking about shit she got to do that no one else can really do, then telling people it was bad? Come on.

I always wanted to write about shit people were curious about and shit people could relate to. Sex and all my jersey chasing stories hit the nail on the head. The Maryland lacrosse chapter in my book, it's not super exciting. But I wanted my readers to be able to relate to me early on in the book. With walks of shame. And drunk hookups. And big penis sex. And embarrassing blowjobs. The rest of the shit - the funnier shit, the more outrageous what the fuck shit - comes after I admit that I am a retarded human who made mistakes when I was 18 but kind of learned from them and at least had a damn good time making them. Maybe no one gives a shit what someone like me has to say about anything. But does anyone really give a shit what she has to say, either?

She's a C-List actress with big tits and she's hot. Of course she has ins. Of course she meets athletes. Of course she has the connections. I mean, not for anything, do people really give a shit that Angelina Jolie is dating Brad Pitt? No - she's a hot a-list actress (i don't agree with either of those statements but apparently the majority does). It'd be interesting if she dated the dude who flips burgers at In n' Out. That's the same here. Oh wow, a model/wanna be actress dating athletes. Shocking. Never heard that one before. Me? Eh, I got a little edge. Some random chick from LI bagging some halfway decent athletes and not only that, but actually getting funny stories out of them? It's a little more interesting, a little more unique. A little more relatable.

So after all that, I decided to finally address it, though I was surprised no one brought it up to me. I hope her book does well, kudos to her, but I also think I'm a little bit more in line when it comes to doing it right. The audience, the stories, the lack of admonishing. My book isn't a warning or a lecture. It's a how to in fuckery. An admission of my own brand of crazy. A love song to Nick Schommer. No, just kidding.

PS, can we check out her thighs? Bitch is built like a horse.


  1. FYI - You can expand your target audience a little bit. I'm 32 (and I can totally relate to a lot of your stories!) :)

  2. dude chill out and no shes not built like a horse