Sunday, April 10, 2011

That's not supposed to look like that

A lot of people think that because I continue to fuck around with athletes, that it's always good. That nothing ever goes wrong. Total bullshit. I have had more WTF moments in a not good way with athletes than I probably had with random dudes. Case in point:

Dan Casey had surgery right before I saw him before the World Cup. It literally looked like he had gotten a happy ended hand job from captain hook. So when he got naked, the only thing I could notice was this huge red scar near his dick. And all I kept thinking while we were fucking was "oh my god, this shit is going to split open and he's going to bleed to death and I'm going to have to explain this WHOLE scenario to the cops. Thankfully, it didn't, but he did have to ice his balls after we banged.

I also have a horrible tendency to get like, charlie horse leg cramps while fucking. I don't know why, i think it's because I'm out of shape an not flexible. But it's happened on numerous occasions and only ever with athletes. It's like when you stretch your foot and your toes get stuck in one position and it hurts? It feels like that in y upper thigh. The first time Dan Casey and I banged (he makes up a lot of my embarrassing stories) my leg literally froze in place and I was all holy shit we're going to have to go to the hospital because I can't move my leg to get your dick out of me. Oh, Dan Casey.

Crooked penises? God, loads of athletes have crooked penises. Alex, my ex Oriole, had a penis like the fucking Nike Swoosh. And it was big. We'd bang and I swear I could feel it pushing on my hip bone inside of me. Horrible.

I actually had to throw my NHLer Mac off me one night when I was drunk because dude had an affinity for the butt. And it got to a point that I kept moving his hand/dick away fro my btut so many times that I was just like "DUDE, I'M NOT EVEN INTERESTED ANYMORE'. I don't get it. Like, i I were doing something to a guy and he kept moving my hand so I'd STOP doing it, I wouldn't KEEP DOING IT. Guys are so fucking selfish. And guys are dbags, he was all "I thought you'd like it". REALLY? That's why you kept doing it when I kept basically stopping you? Selfish dick. My ass is off limits until I say so. This isn't a "persistence is key" situation. It an "I'm not nearly wasted enough to let you put anything up in or near my butt" situation. That was awkward. Nothing like having a naked semi drunk fight about why you don't want anal sex to kill the mood, huh?

I had one laxer for a while who I'm pretty sure considered our sex life a reasonable equal to the gym. We'd have really, really hard sex. Like, sweaty, heavy breathing, athletic sex. I probably almost had a heart attack on like, 4 occasions because I'm so not into exercise. But then he'd hop off the bed and weigh himself. And then I'd do it too because I was crazy and he got me paranoid about my weight. Looking back, I should have charged like, a gym membership or something because or bed sessions were WAY more efficient at getting him to drop pounds that the retarded sweatsuit thing he used to wear to the gym.

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