Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Brobible Buds an LAX

Hey all, a quick little offer...this weekend, the NCAA lacrosse tournament is being held in Baltimore. My buddies at both Brobible and some of my favorite old Terps over at Lacrosse Playground are having a big blowout and wanted me to get the word out. It'll be a fuckin' good time and those boys are easily the most ridiculous I have ever partied with in my life (can't count the amout of times I probably should have died in college ha). So if you are into LAX, have no plans for Memorial Day, WANT to get into LAX, or just want to drink and have a good time with a lot of hot, cool, former laxers, check out their site and buy a ticket. Also, wear a Terps t-shirt because if you root for UVA, Denver or Duke, you blow. Just kidding. But not really...

Here's the link.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

So Proud

Would just like to take a second to say CONGRATULATIONS to my baby Terp laxers. I am so incredibly proud of you guys, that senior team is amazing and that was an awesome win over Syracuse today. I would give anything to be on that bus for Loddies today. Enjoy the win boys, you earned it!

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Drawing Lines

I got an e-mail from one of my favorite regulars here at the blog about dealing with athlete hookups when they are coming off injuries and shitty seasons. Here's the original e-mail:

"how do you deal with a guy who is coming off injuries and a bad season? My hockey guy is back and even though we have established we are nothing more then buddies who sleep together occasionally when we hang out he's always super uptight, stressed out and hates it when people bring up hockey. Whats the best way to deal with this? Do I just keep things super light and relaxed when we are together, what should I do if he tries to talk to me about it? Normally serious talk is reserved for the girlfriends...This is a new area for me.."

I have dealt with bad seasons and injuries before, but I think (going to drag through my memory while I write) only ever with guys I was involved with more seriously.

With my former baseballer, his career was a constant topic. Mores o on my end, because I was always trying to figure out his ETA to the bigs. That dream bit the dust just like many of his sliders. Bad line. Anyway, his injury report and his season in Low A ball made life hard. He was pissy ALL the time. And on top of the 4 billion other problems he and i had, it made it hard. What made it harder was this shit would put him in a bad mood, and he'd be a bitch about it, but he wouldn't really talk about it because he hated talking baseball with me. So a lot of things were left unsaid, and while I'm not exactly an athletic trainer, I sat through enough games to know what the fuck was up. I often wish he had come to me more in an honest way, as opposed to a defensive "you don't get it so shut the fuck up talking about it" way. Ahhh baseball, good times.

What was a bit easier was my ex laxer, 'Heath'. If you read the book, you know Heath had some uh......body....situations. Nah, Heath was coming off a VERY rough emotional year, he porked on some weight and his first year back on the lacrosse field was a little rough. He wanted to be as good as everyone had expected him to be prior to his whole situation. He really worked so hard for his team, but the weight was there and it became a massive problem for him on and off the field. Emotionally, he felt shitty. Physically, he felt shitty, particularly because his weight caused the need for knee surgery. But what was different with Heath, was Heath was open to talking about it. He was sad, he was upset, and he wanted to fix whatever wasn't working and get back on track. And he was totally open about it with me, which was good for me because I felt like even though I don't get the plight of the fat kid, I loved him enough at the time to try to understand it to a point where I could be a support system for him. I listened to him like, recite what he had to eat every day, and I still slept with him even after he bought one of those ridiculous sweatsuits made out of plastic and actually went out in public in it. He was much easier to support and like....be there for because he was open to talking about it and dealing with it. And I mean, I look back and laugh at it now - the fact that he once had a chocolate milkshake explode all over him in total fat kid glory, for instance - but at the time, it was rough for him. He loved lacrosse and he wanted to be good, and the fact that he just wasn't getting it done at that point was hurting him. In my opinion, athletes need to vent about this shit to someone they know won't go tell the other guys on the team or in the locker room. Guys don't want to look weak in front of teammates. It's good to be an outlet for them.

As for this specific case, it's tough because a.) you're not dating, and b.) he's apparently like, not open to chatting about the fact that hockey is giving him some grief right now. It sounds like you kind of want to be there for him, but don't know how since he's not willing to open up about the hockey sitch, and clearly if he's in a shit mood on the reg, that's probably the reason. What it might be is a case of he doesn't want to think about his inability to get it together when he's with you, or when you guys are banging. So the reason he might not be keen on bringing it up is because he doesn't want to focus on the fact that he had a shitty season, couldn't pull it together, couldn't perform to the level he was expected. Who the fuck would want to think about that shit right before you bang, you know? It could lead to feeling inadequate in other areas of life, including sex. He might be using you (not in that way, don't take it the wrong way) to kind of get away from feeling inadequate about hockey.

My advice? Treat him like a friend. If he opens up to you, hear him out. If he chooses not to, don't be offended though. You're right - sometimes that serious confiding shit is reserved for the GF's, which you aren't. He will probably be in a shit mood, and that's his deal, not yours. You're his buddy, like you said, so be open to the possibility of him eventually opening up, but also keep in mind your roll in his life. Are you guys like, best buds? I have a best bud who played lacrosse when I was at Maryland. We hooked up a lot and did everything together, but we never dated. But we were close enough to really talk to each other about like, lame shit like feelings and emotions, even though we'd bang and drunkenly make out in his lofted bunk bed (god i miss college, and I CANT wait to see him this weekend ha). Do you have that relationship with your hockey dude? Or are you guys a grab drinks when you're at the bar, get a little shwasted, have some laughs and go bang kind of thing? If that's the case, you have to recognize your place in his life and draw some lines for yourself. If you want to be his girlfriend, if you've been like, jockeying for this position, this might be a good time to make a move toward figuring out of that next step is an option. But if you are simply just interested in having fun sex and good laughs with him a la Dan Casey and me, there's not much you can do about this one chickie other than ride out the bad moods and be open to the talk if it comes up. Which, by the sounds of it, doesn't sound like it will. There are many, many, many awesome perks to banging around with athletes, but dealing with the back story of their careers is not one of them, particularly if you're looking for a fun all the time, no commitment situation. Unfortunately, sometimes emotions come into play, and it's regarding shit that has nothing to do with you.

My advice would be if the sex is good and the friendship is decent, stick it out and just kind of coast for a bit. Enjoy the sex, don't put too much dependency on it though because his bad moods might lead to bad sex and a lack there of. Take it for what it's worth and wait it out. Bad seasons don't last forever, nor do injuries. Keep it light and relaxed and make him feel like there's no pressure to even so much as think about hockey when he's with you. You're banging a hockey player, but the hockey part doesn't have to be omnipresent.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

It Gets Better

This is all totally off topic, but I wanted to post this.

I was bullied a LOT as a kid. Look at this picture, and I'm sure it's easy to see why. And this picture doesn't even convey my disdain for washing/brushing my hair, my horrible, horrible skin, my inability to dress myself, the fact that I never tied my shoes, the fact that I LOVED animals and science, or the fact that I had the same size boobs in this picture as I did when I was 16. I mean, I was the epitome of typical nerd target. At 25, I still remember my arch nemesis from grammar school (CB) and the time she took my autographed Jonathan Taylor Thomas picture and ripped it up. She was the reason I had to leave private school, because she and other girls bullied me so horribly for 5 long, LONG years. I still remember sixth grade and a popular boy I had the biggest crush on calling me a "fucking loser". It was the first page (the first 7 pages, actually) of the first journal I ever kept. I still remember 9th grade, the boy's soccer team tying condoms to my front door and forking my lawn (looking back, this one was kind of funny). And I still remember getting a standing ovation senior year by a posse of pathetic losers who posed as popular kids (minus the good looks, hot bodies and actual popularity) because I fucked up the after party for a dance. I still remember getting teased so bad for wearing a padded bra and having small boobs that I went home "sick" to avoid crying in class. That shit sticks with you forever.

I also remember the first time I ever stuck up for anyone. I was in 11th grade, and I was "popular' in my group of friends. There were like, 13 of us all together, boys and girls. And my friend E, well for some reason, she was the odd man out that month. For some reason, the group all just turned on her and made fun of her and ostracized her and talked about her behind her back. So when Winter Wonderland came up (this dance that was like a mini prom that was always a good time), E was strategically left out of the limo. And was left with no limo to go in. When I realized that people in my group of friends were simply picking on E because she was the easiest target at the moment, that group mentality had turned into vicious bullying, I said "what the fuck is everyone's problem?" and grew up. The excuse for not letting E in the limo was that there simply "wasn't enough room". The reality of the situation was they just wanted to make her life hell. So to call them out on their bullshit, I offered up my spot in the limo.

"Brian and I will just drive," I offered. "E can have my spot."

"But Woogie (my nickname in HS), we all want you in the limo."

"I'm not doing it to E," I said. "If she's not in the limo, I'm not either."

They did not let E in the limo, regardless of the now open slot. So instead, E, her date, Brian and I all drove to the dance. We all had a great time. And that was when I grew up. And that's when I realized that bullying and group mentality and mob mentality and the idea of making someone "the other", it's all insecure bullshit. I mean, I knew that all along. I had gone through it year after year. And when it came down to having that ability, that chance to be the one who brought down the humiliation and cruelty, I had no interest. To all those who think that putting others down will make you feel better - trying lifting other people up. You will be shocked to see how much better it is to make someone's life better than it is to make someone's life hell.

Nearly ten years later, I look back at the people who bullied me. The asshole girls who once told me I looked like the boy from 7th Heaven because I cut my hair short, or the dick who told me he got me a frying pan for christmas for my pancakes, or the people who left mean notes on my locker, or the girl who spread rumors that I was a lesbian in the 6th grade. You know what? Must have been great to be cool in high school, but high school isn't forever. It's four years. And then the freshman 15 (and in most cases of the people who were assholes to me, freshman 40) set in for all those assholes who think they are invincible. And then you get confident because in the real world, being smart, it's cool. Being witty? It's cool. Being a fat bitch who happened to fall in with the right group in 6th grade that looks terrible in Lily Pulitzer and has a lot of money? Not winning anyone any popularity contests these days in the real world. At my five year reunion, I showed up in a 00 dress at 110 lbs, with straight teeth, clear skin, and a full 32 B bra, and a book idea in the works, after having just bagged the new alternate captain for an NHL team and graduating from Maryland. Those bitches showed up with 200 lbs of excess weight and humility they found over the last few years, and probably a BAD case of the herp. I would do high school all over again just for the pure satisfaction of walking into that banquet hall again. Because that's how much better it gets. If I had given up and accepted the bullying as fact and truth, I never would have gotten to do all of the really fucking cool things I've done in my life. I mean, outside of banging (mostly) hot athletes, and flying to Europe to do so, and going on crazy jersey chasing road trips....I would have missed out of graduating from college, and seeing my sister get married. I would have missed out on dates and relationships, introducing myself to people and making new friends. I would have missed out on my life as a writer, because I would have believed I was not worth the effort. Because that's what I was made to believe by assholes in grammar, middle, and high school. I would have missed out on life. And for who? People who in the grand scheme of things don't matter? Who are jealous and self conscious, so much so that the only way they feel satisfied about themselves is to put other people down? That's who I was going to allow to ruin my life and cause me to miss out on awesome shit? FUCK THAT!

The point of all of this is that it gets better. People get bullied and high school blows sometimes. I missed 91 days of AP Psych senior year because I HATED being there. But I promise, it gets better. Gay, straight. Fat, skinny. Flat chested or DD, science nerd or cheer captain. Anorexia or obesity, student body president or emo kid who likes Sum 41 (that's me revealing my age here). It gets better. Ten years ago I was getting hammered from all sides for the way I looked and dressed. I got to fuck Dan Casey multiple times in the last year. Want to talk about getting the last laugh?

My best friend is gay. And in high school, he wasn't out. He was a bit chunky, nerdy, glasses. He was very unhappy with himself. And then in college, or right when we graduated, he came out. And while it's been a long journey for him, he is more himself than he has ever been in our 16 years of friendship. I love him more than words can ever say. And his life, it's gotten better. He is still figuring it out like we all are - dating, jobs, friendships. But he is figuring it out with honesty and truth about who he is. He is living proofthat life gets better, and it can be great, if you are brave enough to embrace it. If some poor soul decides to marry this crazy bitch, he will be the one to walk me down the aisle (and probably be the best dressed person there to boot). When people are mean to him, I threaten to kick their ass. I look back on my life, and there are moments I would not have survived without him. Things I went through that I don't know if I could have gotten through had he not been there to hold my hand or hug me or call me or let me cry, or pick me up and remind me I have things worth living for and being proud of. He saved my life in so many instances. And while whoever is reading this might be young, if you are getting bullied, and life is hard right now, just remember - someone out there loves you very much. And if they don't now, they will. Maybe it's your parents, or your siblings. Maybe it's your boyfriend or your girlfriend, or your best friend. Maybe it's your dog. Maybe you haven't met them yet. But you will change SOMEONE's life. You will be that important piece in SOMEONE's life. Don't miss out. And don't deny that person the unique love and friendship that only you could give. Don't give up. It gets better. I promise.

AskMen.com = one step up from 10th grade biology book

So I just spent like, two hours browsing through AskMen.com's sex advice pages...and while some were decent, I feel like the sex advice on there is equivalent to getting financial advice on high risk stock trading from a God damn fortune cookie. "Numbers look promising, act now! Lucky numbers 5, 7, 9, 22, 75". Like, I don't know. I know it's generalized sex advice, but I feel like there has to be some personal input. Especially on the taboo subjects like rough sex and anal sex and threesomes. I mean, telling people you need to use lube isn't exactly a helper in getting to anal sex. It's like reminding a person to fucking breathe. There is a big freakin DUH on that article.

I think I need to try to correct some of these asinine sex advice pages. I'm by no means a therapist or a doctor, but I've had a nice amount of sex and tried a lot of fun things naked. Sometimes I think getting first hand accounts of how certain shit is accomplished is better advice than "and then, spread her labia and insert penis" explanations that are paired with a picture of girl who is hot enough to fuck Brad Pitt and a guy that looks like he is old enough to bang, but young enough to still look good in Abercrombie & Fitch. That's not sex advice, that's sex propaganda.

Going to think up a few good topics, try to throw an athlete spin on it (I can hear the collective cringes of every guy I've ever banged worrying they'll be another topic). Any suggestions or requests?


I should have read this months ago....a little article from AskMen.com. While I find AskMen's sex advice extremely impersonal and kind of "duh, I already knew that", this one made me laugh...I don't think I tried any of these specific positions with my soccer players, but I have a feeling I had way better sex with actual World Cup players, than women/men did using lame positions named after World Cup players...also, I think we need to create a Larry themed sexual position. OH MY GOD this could be a fun game...leave your Larry themed sexual positions in the comments box. Mine? BALD EAGLE. It's basically 69ing - having a bald head in your box. I'M SO WITTY.

Bend Her Like Beckham

David Beckham is known for bending balls at will all over the pitch, so we don’t consider it a stretch to assume that he’s also adept at bending his wife all over the bedroom. To be like Becks, bend your lady over an ottoman or something similar, as long as it provides a clear view of the footy match on telly, and strike away. We hear this is the position Becks and Posh used to conceive their three kids, so if you're not looking to have a little dribbler of your own, we suggest you wear a Robben.

The Lionel Messy

Lionel Messi s widely considered the best player on the planet, with a playing style as smooth as silk and a tendency to leave his opponents in shambles. So to honor the Argentinian soccer god, lie your partner down on your finest silk sheet, grab a few cups of chimichurri (Argentina's national condiment), lather her up, and go at it as though you're two rabid animals covered in a parsley, minced garlic, olive oil, red wine vinegar, and red pepper flakes marinade. And, as luck would have it, you are.

The Hand Of God

Maradona scored this famous goal with an illegal use of the hand, so as punishment, handcuff your lover to the bed, then use both hands to give her a truly religious experience. Use one hand to gently massage her clitoris while the other penetrates her vagina like a pseudo-penis. If performed correctly, we assure you the results will be anything but controversial.

The Golden Goal

There's perhaps no more satisfying feeling in football then scoring a coveted golden goal, a singular strike after full time that lifts one team to glory and sends another to shame. To mimic the epic event with your girlfriend, do the deed for a full 90 minutes while making sure not to climax. When the two halves are up, put a pillow under her butt, lift her hips, and bring her legs back toward her head. Now bring the victory home with a series of thunderous strikes until you both finally score. Finish up with some victory champagne.

The Full Back

For you North Americans out there for whom some soccer vocab is new, a full back in European football translates to a defender. But as they say in professional sports, the best defense is a good offense (or is it the other way around?). In that spirit, bend your sweetheart over, and give her the full back treatment, combining anal sex, two fingers in the vagina, and everything else in between.

A Hand In The Box

This move is highly illegal, but thankfully in the bedroom there's no referee. All girls like one finger in their vagina, and some women even like two. The more elastic ones can take three, and the adventurous take four. But this move is only for the women who need a full hand in the box for complete satisfaction. Ladies, we salute you.

The Slide Tackle

The slide tackle is one of the most violent plays in football, but this move's all about sensuality, baby. Oil your woman's entire body up, and slide your member slowly down her body, until she's begging for you to tackle her vagina. Just make sure once you tackle her, she won't pull a Ronaldo and fake it.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Posh is setting new standards of maternity

While watching the Royal Wedding Friday (clearly on reruns as I won't be getting up at 6am for my OWN god damn wedding, let alone someone else's), I saw Posh and Becks and had to laugh. Outside of the fact that I thought Becks looked WAY old, I gotta give Posh credit.

I love heels. I rarely ever wear flats unless it's my Rainbows, Uggs, or sneakers. I'm too short to wear flats and look nice. I look five. So in that case, I totally appreciate Victoria Beckham. Bitch is five months (four months?) pregnant, and rocked sky high stilettos like it was no big deal. I know women who can't walk in three inch heels that DON'T have a baby in their body screwing up their center of gravity. So, while Posh may look the other way when it concerns Beck's "i might not have balls" voice, and his love for Bosnian eyebrows, I must give her credit in her ability to never allow her heel to be closer than 5 inches to the ground. Kudos, lady.

Also, can we just talk about the fact that tails on a tux are so God damn hot, and more Americans should get involved in that trend? I'm just saying.

I love sports

This video reminded me of the first time the Yankees/Mets played at home after 9/11. People say it's cliche and dumb, but there is something about sports and games and fandom that can sometimes take the pain away a little bit, and set normality back in motion. It's unity over something trivial, but it's unity all the same. Baseball did that for a LOT of people post 9/11. One of two times I ever saw my dad cry was when the Diamondbacks beat the Yankees in the World Series in 2001, simply because New York had just gone through so much and he was so sad that we couldn't grasp onto this one, stupid, meaningless in the grand scheme of things moment to help us all feel better, to give New York the tiniest little boost after such a hard blow.

But this video from a Mets/Phillies game in Philly reminded me of the awesomeness and unity baseball can bring on a bigger level than just dedication to one's team or hometown. I also laughed while watching it because you know the players were all "what the fuck is going on?"

Chasing the Jersey - Third time's the charm!

So last week, when I was MIA and people were apparently planning my funeral online (I swear), Kristin Cavallari, who used to be on the Hills...or Laguna Beach....or the City? I don't know, one of those shows I never watched on MTV because I get jealous of big houses and nice beach front property, got engaged to her boyfriend of (wait for it) 8 months, Jay Cutler, QB of the Chicago Bears.

Upon some digging (read: lazy Google searching), I found out Cavallari also dated Mark Sanchez and Matt Leinart. Hey, third times a charm! You gotta keep chasing until you get a sucker to buy what you're selling, even if he looks like Huckleberry Hound! Never about the looks, ALWAYS about the jersey. First rule of jersey chasing 101. (I write my own rules, by the way ha).

Clearly she's a QB Jersey Chaser. Can't fault her for having a specific calling in her jersey chasing life. And Jay Cutler isn't exactly screaming "second coming of Tom Brady" in athleticism OR looks. In fact, Cutler is just kind of....droopy dog looking. He looks like that country singer Luke Bryan. He isn't like, a high powered Carrie Underwoodesque jersey win for Cavallari. But there is something about her that I'm not too fond of either. She reminds me of the bitchy girl in high school, looks wise. Or the bitch in the "hot sorority" who lingered on every word. You know exactly what I mean. "Whyyyyy, does it look like this? Like, hooooooooowwwww, is it doing that?" They drag words out. She strikes me as a word dragger.

People are pointing out that she stuck with him through a knee injury. I mean, if that doesn't scream "great wife material", I don't know what does. Ugh. I'd like to see her stick it out through testicular cancer. Or, you know, the NFL lockout where he isn't getting paid. Again, she's a reality show star marrying a QB. After less than a year. And I'm pretty sure she's a year younger than me. So she's 24, marrying a guy after 8 months. Something about this hints at "stunt" or "MTV isn't offering me any more shows and I have no discernible life skills so I need a husband with money". If that's the case, bitch better start praying to the NFL gods to lift that lockout, because my very good sources are saying the season won't be happening next year. Hope she saved up that money from when she dated that toolbag Steven. (Okay, I watched ONE episode).

Congrats to the happy couple. I mean, I know babies who have been in a womb longer than these two have been dating, but sure, go for it! I foresee no prenups or messy divorces in their future whatsoever! (See, I can be totally blindly optimistic as well as an asshole!)

Also, for those of you who are going to come back at me and throw certain magazine covers in my face regarding Jay Cutler's apparent hotness, Google search him and look at pictures that HAVEN'T been airbrushed. Seriously.

Again, who is this guy?

Hi fuckers. I know, Tuesday is NOT Monday but whatever, I'm moving and working some shit out so I apologize.

Let's start today with Jimmer Fredette, who's name screams "I was born in the back of an open doored barn". A while back after the NCAA tourney, this kid who plays for BYU and took all the attention off Charlie Davies active Mormon penis post suspension, was having SUCH a hard time with all the celebrity of being a sophomore on a Sweet 16 team (really?), that BYU requested he not attend class in person because people were going all 13 year old seeing Justin Bieber on him. I suppose there aren't a lot of cool folks in provo to go Bieber fan over, so, you have to take 'em when you get 'em.

Anyway, apparently Jimmer (I feel like his brothers names are Jedidiah, Judd, and Jermemiah) is going to be participating in a new reality show that revolves around the NBA draft.

Okay, part of me is glad that it isn't a dating show. Part of me is glad it's not dancing with the stars. But, but of me is sad that he is going to go with this.

When athletes go pro, they lose SO much of their private lives. Particularly ones like Jimmer who are already in the spot light early on. He thinks that this will be "amazing" because he gets to "share the excitement...with the fans...and basketball fans can follow this great opportunity I've been blessed to have".

Okay. Sure. I buy that. But they also get to see you cry. And fuck up. And do poorly. And get in trouble. You think reality TV producers are going to cutout the shady parts? The embarrassing parts? Better question - you think there will be NO embarrassing parts? I embarrass myself at least twice every day. EVERY, DAY. This guy is tall and lanky and Mormon. I'm sure he has his own issues to deal with.

I just feel like...I look at how many people hated JJ Redick just for being in the Duke spotlight. I feel like injecting yourself into the reality world so young and at the cusp of your pro career, has the potential to be deadly. Suddenly it's not your basketball skills people are talking about. It's other, personal things. And some people can handle that. I can handle that. It took me a while, but now I don't give a shit what people think. I'm also 25, not 20. Would I do this at 20? Would I want the world to see me and judge me at 20, particularly when I was about to deal with something like an NBA draft and subsequent first year as a professional player? No. I'd like to keep my head down and prove myself in basketball before I introduce people to my daily routine and my bad habits and my family. But that's just me. I think he's in for a rude awakening that the rest of America is not Provo.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Hi, I'm alive.

Hey kids. Miss me? Just took a week to get some things in order. Possible move in June, trip to Maryland to play partial cougar with the lacrosse team this week, possible vacay in the works, etc. etc. Just a busy week. The blog is not on hiatus and no, I haven't died (though I do appreciate the e-mails of concern and will ignore the ones that started with "I hope you"). New posts (and quite a few, I've got a few stories) will be up tomorrow afternoon. Promise.