Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Chasing the Jersey - Third time's the charm!

So last week, when I was MIA and people were apparently planning my funeral online (I swear), Kristin Cavallari, who used to be on the Hills...or Laguna Beach....or the City? I don't know, one of those shows I never watched on MTV because I get jealous of big houses and nice beach front property, got engaged to her boyfriend of (wait for it) 8 months, Jay Cutler, QB of the Chicago Bears.

Upon some digging (read: lazy Google searching), I found out Cavallari also dated Mark Sanchez and Matt Leinart. Hey, third times a charm! You gotta keep chasing until you get a sucker to buy what you're selling, even if he looks like Huckleberry Hound! Never about the looks, ALWAYS about the jersey. First rule of jersey chasing 101. (I write my own rules, by the way ha).

Clearly she's a QB Jersey Chaser. Can't fault her for having a specific calling in her jersey chasing life. And Jay Cutler isn't exactly screaming "second coming of Tom Brady" in athleticism OR looks. In fact, Cutler is just kind of....droopy dog looking. He looks like that country singer Luke Bryan. He isn't like, a high powered Carrie Underwoodesque jersey win for Cavallari. But there is something about her that I'm not too fond of either. She reminds me of the bitchy girl in high school, looks wise. Or the bitch in the "hot sorority" who lingered on every word. You know exactly what I mean. "Whyyyyy, does it look like this? Like, hooooooooowwwww, is it doing that?" They drag words out. She strikes me as a word dragger.

People are pointing out that she stuck with him through a knee injury. I mean, if that doesn't scream "great wife material", I don't know what does. Ugh. I'd like to see her stick it out through testicular cancer. Or, you know, the NFL lockout where he isn't getting paid. Again, she's a reality show star marrying a QB. After less than a year. And I'm pretty sure she's a year younger than me. So she's 24, marrying a guy after 8 months. Something about this hints at "stunt" or "MTV isn't offering me any more shows and I have no discernible life skills so I need a husband with money". If that's the case, bitch better start praying to the NFL gods to lift that lockout, because my very good sources are saying the season won't be happening next year. Hope she saved up that money from when she dated that toolbag Steven. (Okay, I watched ONE episode).

Congrats to the happy couple. I mean, I know babies who have been in a womb longer than these two have been dating, but sure, go for it! I foresee no prenups or messy divorces in their future whatsoever! (See, I can be totally blindly optimistic as well as an asshole!)

Also, for those of you who are going to come back at me and throw certain magazine covers in my face regarding Jay Cutler's apparent hotness, Google search him and look at pictures that HAVEN'T been airbrushed. Seriously.

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